Advent 365 Days a Year

In our home we have an advent calendar. There are twenty-five little pockets, each with a slip of paper suggesting a fun activity or something we can do as a family to celebrate the season. The kids carefully divide up the days to make sure they each get an equal amount of turns to unveil what’s in the pocket for that day. (Because Heaven forbid that one child should get to open more pockets than another!) And then, after each revealing, they countdown. As the weeks pass, Christmas Day gets closer. They jump and squeal with excitement and anticipation. The youngest, with little sense of time yet, just knows something awesome is coming. He doesn’t know when, but he can see and know the calendar is closing in on That Day.

My point is this. I spent this past Christmas season purposefully aware of the ways in which we “wait” during Advent. The tree, the gifts, the soft glow of twinkle lights and candles, the Christmas movies, the carols, the advent wreath in the center of our table. We create an atmosphere of waiting. And oh, the Day is so joyous and worth the wait! But what if as Christ followers we donned a spirit of Advent not only during December, but for all 365 days of the year? What if we put the same passion into waiting for the Day we actually see our Risen Lord face to face as we do into the holiday season? Because this side of the resurrection, our celebration of Christmas Day is simply a foreshadowing of our greater hope, isn’t it? Not only did He come...Bless God, But He is coming again and we will be with Him!

Romans 8:22-24 says, “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently.”

Sons and Daughters, are you groaning for the Day when Jesus Christ is revealed? Do you live your days in a perpetual advent of preparation and joyous expectation? Like my youngest, even though we have little sense God’s timing, are you firmly trusting that The Day will come simply because the Word of God says so? 1 Peter 1:13 calls us to “set our hope fully on the grace to be given to us when Jesus Christ is revealed.” So, what are you waiting for?

The world needs to see a church that is actively waiting in fullest hope for something other than what is offered here. They need to see and hear our active waiting expressed through lives emptied and poured out in the love of God and in inexpressible joy because what we’re waiting for is greater than any gift you can buy on Amazon or find under the tree. It’s even greater than whatever circumstances we are waiting for God to intervene in, in our lives now. Ongoing trial, longsuffering, loneliness, a dream, relational wounds or deep hurt...whatever we’re waiting on as we trod our dusty road. The world needs to see a Spirit of Advent in us that is waiting in confident hope for something more.

And so, beloved, with Christmas now behind us and eleven months ahead...what are you waiting for?

Pray with me that the world might see and hear our groaning, that we might put more attention and effort into our hopeful waiting for the Last Day than we do on the next package to arrive on our doorstep.

Pray that we might be a church that decorates our ongoing advent season with a garland of praise and with lavish gifts of grace and forgiveness. With wreaths of compassion, songs of hope and healing, prayers of selfless, passionate intercession and with the glowing light of His love.

The Grace of Chaturanga

It's day six of full court press. My man is on a trip and I've been working zone defense, one on three. I know...that doesn't add up and no coach would ever call that play. But here we are. And yesterday afternoon I felt weariness set in. I heard myself speaking more snippy than sweet. And I felt that knot of stress I carry in my chest growing from bouncy ball to beach ball size. This morning we were running wild late to school, but I took a minute to open the laptop, log on and snatch my spot in the 10:30 yoga class at the gym. It would take some think-ahead planning and rearranging a few things, but it would work. I decided it simply had to work. I needed me some Vinyasa. Some Namaste, girls.

I knew this class was full, but I had signed in ahead of time, securing my place. Walking in with only minutes to spare, there wasn't a single spot left on the floor. Not for a yoga mat. Not really even for a sock. I felt my beach ball tighten into a heavy bowling ball. Our yogi master (is that what they're called? I don't know...but this woman can bend in half and I think she's 65.), after acknowledging the overflow, sternly warned the class that you must sign in online. So standing in the back of the room, eyes scanning all the fellow yogis sitting in their criss-cross applesauce pose (that's what I call it.) I wondered what to do next. My thoughts went like this, "Well, clearly woman, you have "THE LIST" in front of you. And I'm on it. So now is the time for you to tell all those "non-think-ahead" people to kindly pick up their mat and walk and leap their way out of the classroom to make room for those of us who followed the rules." But she didn't. She gave the warning and then just told people to squeeze and make room, which in yoga, is challenging when you are doing leg stretches and a stranger's foot comes in contact with your nose. I was relegated to the back entry way in between pushed-out-of-the-way weights and resistance bands. I felt like a resistance band. Like I was being stretched too far and about to snap. 

After pouting and stewing on my mat all by my lonesome in the back corner and hitting the wall with my knee on the first pose, I quietly put on my shoes and picked up my own mat and walked out.

But my quiet, respectful, outward actions did not reflect the inward state of my heart. 

I was mad, people. I walked to the next room and decided to do some solo yoga. And the cool thing about yoga is that you really do have time to reflect and let the mind wander. So tucked into child's pose trying to breathe I asked, "Why am I so ticked off about this? What is really at the heart of what I'm feeling?" Those questions usually lead to getting hit with a ton of bricks and conviction, so I'm not sure why I keep asking them, other than that's the Spirit's way...to lead us into all truth. What surfaced was a growing awareness of my Pharisaical tendencies. My legalism. My resemblance to the "teachers of the Law" and the "older brother" in the "Prodigal Son" parable (which should really be called "The Older Brother" parable.)

What I felt were two very strong drives steering my emotions from deep within. 

One, I felt a sense of entitlement. I had signed up. I had done things the way I had been told. Obviously the right thing to do was to allow the rule-followers to stay and the others to go, right? Why should I be inconvenienced and denied my "right" by others who didn't have one? Ouch. This one stung a bit.

You see, just like the pharisees, the teachers of the Law, I was first of all perceiving circumstance in a worldly manner and forgetting the greater purposes and ways of a sovereign God. Jesus tried to communicate this to Nicodemus. "You're not able to see and understand because you're looking at things through a human-constructed lens. Look to Me." All I could see was how wrong the situation was from my perspective. And I elevated myself to a level of feeling I deserved to be there. And I guess, in a small, technical way, yes, I did "deserve" to be there. I signed up. BUT, I am no longer living by worldly constructs or legalistic religion. I live by grace alone. Which means none of us at any point in time deserve anything. At all. Nor do we have a right to a sense of entitlement to anything. The only right we have was granted to us by the living God through the sacrificial death of His Son. And that right is to be His child (John 1:12).  All is grace. And as declared followers of Christ the King, our lives are to be manifestations of the grace we've been so lavishly granted.

But wasn't there a certain sense of injustice in my situation? To a minuscule degree, sure. And it's OK for me to be grieved or disappointed at injustice. What is not OK is for me to become bitter, resentful, hardened or vindictive. Justice was accomplished for me on the cross. And my hope is firmly set on the Day when all things will be made right in the presence of the Lord Jesus. Not set on this world (or on my little world) always working in accordance to what is good and right. 

Second, I had a nagging desire to make sure the yoga instructor knew that I had signed up. I wasn't one of the ones who had messed things up. I had followed the rules and deserved a gold star of approval from her. And just because I had walked in last and there wasn't room for me on the floor didn't mean that I wasn't on The List. 

*sigh* Oh, Shawna. What this is, is a sad sign of performance-based living. It's not Gospel. It's not grace. And it grieves my spirit to be entangled day in and day out by such roots of pride in my life. It's a joy-killer and freedom-stealer. Why, when I know that I am eternally accepted, welcomed at His table, named "His beloved with whom He is well-pleased"...WHY do I keep running after lesser approvals? Lesser gods? False Gospels? Please tell me I'm not alone here. Is this you, too? 

I know I have been counted righteous before God Almighty. That in the Heavenly Courtroom, my record was shredded and replaced with the perfect record of Christ Jesus. That is mine because He is mine and I am His. It's as if I never sinned. 

And yet the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

My hope is found strung throughout the pages of scripture. I am being transformed. He is working in me through the power of the indwelling Spirit a wholehearted love for Him and a full belief in who He is.

Ezekiel 36:25 says this, "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and from all your idols I will cleanse you."

I had never caught that last part...from all your idols I will cleanse you. Our salvation not only entails the forgiveness of our sins, but also the sanctifying (holy transformation) work of the Holy Spirit. I can trust my Father's promise to remove the idols in my life as I humbly partner with Him through acts of surrender and faith-filled, obedience. As I resolve to follow Christ, He will continue to cleanse me of these lesser gods. And maybe one day, when I have to walk out of a yoga class again, my heart will go leaping along with my footsteps. Until then, I will prayerfully keep my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

He is faithful to our transformation and is committed to it because the ultimate end goal is for the world to see His glory in and through us...so that He might receive more thanks and praise and adoration and His Table will be filled to the brim with men and women from every nation, tribe and tongue. It is unto this end that we live and move and have our being. Amen? Amen. :)

How Shall We Return?

“How shall we return?”

That is what the people in Malachi’s day were asking God. He beckoned His children to return to Him, back into fellowship with their heavenly Father...and they didn’t know how.  Don’t we often still ask the same thing today? I mean, I desperately want more of God, I want to draw near to him...so close I can hear His heartbeat. But how shall we return when we’ve wandered so far? Or how do we draw near while a thousand different notifications, reminders, alerts, and “to-do”s are blaring at us every hour on the clock?

How then do we draw near?

God’s answer to the people in Malachi 3:7-12 is slightly surprising. There’s no 1-2-3 answer when they ask how to return. He points out their sin. They were robbing God in their tithe, not giving the 10 percent of their harvest as was required in the law given by Moses all the way back on Mt. Sinai.  At the core of their thievery was really just plain ole pride and unbelief. They had a complete lack of reverence and honor for God in their hearts and they didn’t really believe that He was worth the sacrifice of wholehearted giving. They had forgotten or just really weren’t all that grateful for the wonderful things He had done for them as the children of Israel. They really just didn’t believe that following God’s law was all that important anymore compared to “keeping up with the ‘Jehoiakims’” or scraping by just enough to keep lamb on the table. At the core was selfish ambition (pride) and self-preservation (unbelief). Ouch. I don’t have to peer too deep to see that in my own heart.

So when I think of God’s answer to their question, two things come to mind if I want to return and draw near to my God. I need to : 1) Recognize my sin. Ask God to show me the areas of my life that are not aligned with His will and ways. And, 2) Turn from them.

We can recognize our sin by staying in His Word. Daily reading and meditating on God’s Word is a non-negotiable part of drawing near to God. It is His very breath. His very heart. And it’s the clearest revelation of Jesus Christ you’ll encounter until you see His face one day. From page one until the end, the Bible preaches the good news of Jesus, culminating with His death and resurrection. Prior to Christ’s incarnation, men and women had the Law as a mirror to show them their sin. They never measured up. They could never keep it. The Ten Commandments and loving God first were just impossible.  Jesus came and annihilated the Law, so for us on this side of the cross, we look not to the Law, but to his life and sacrificial death to show us the depth of our sinful nature.  In His Word, I read and hear His very spoken words and teachings, I see His perfect life and His willingness to die undeservedly...and when I measure my own life up to His, it doesn’t take more than a millisecond for me to recognize my sin. I rob God daily of the glory due His name. Jesus lived daily to give God the glory due His Name.

But His Word also shows me how to turn to Him...How to return and draw near. The life, death and resurrection of Jesus not only shows me my sin, it’s the answer and the power to turn from it.

In God’s Word I see that drawing near to God is only by believing in the person and work of Jesus and confessing Him as my Lord...my Master. He’s the boss of me. And that’s where the rubber hits the road in drawing near to Him...

It starts with recognizing my deep need for salvation and for Jesus alone to be my Savior. And not just during a powerful worship service on Sunday. Or for 10 minutes in the morning over a cup of coffee and a three minute devotional then on with the pinball-machine day. What I’m finding is that drawing near happens all. day. long.

In each moment I have the choice to choose to recognize my propensity towards sin and that apart from Christ I can do no good thing. In each moment, I have the choice to choose to honor Christ as Lord in my heart or to honor myself above Him. And it’s these baby step choices that lay the pave stones on the path towards His heart. It’s laying down MY will, MY desires, MY life and choosing to picture myself at the foot of the cross saying, “Lord, not my will, but yours be done.”

But making these choices, to say the kind word, to choose the path He’s set before me, to say “Yes” when I want to say “No”...these are all great and good, but won’t lay a single pave stone unless they are done in the power and fullness of the Holy Spirit through the indwelling Life of Christ IN ME.

Jesus lived a perfect life of communion and nearness to God the Father and that is now mine, too! And yours, dear one.

We will make choices to clothe ourselves with the nature of Christ and to draw near to God through His Word, prayer and minute by minute small steps of laying down our own will only because Christ in me and in you is the living power to do so. His death and resurrection have brought us near to God. We can’t be any closer to Him this side of Heaven because He lives in us. So we stand on that truth and begin to operate from it. We believe it like it’s life and breath to us and we start making choices according to that reality.

Do you feel far from God, Christian? Do you want to return and are asking how?

Recognize your sin by seeing Jesus in His Word and praying for Him to reveal who He is, who you would be without Him and who you are because of Him. Oh, Blessed Savior!

Repent and turn from your sin knowing you are forgiven and completely righteous. Make small choices moment by moment to live in a way that says “Christ is my Lord. I choose to honor Him in this moment.”

Rest in the perfect life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, imparted to you. You are in Him. He is in you.

The nearness of God is your good. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Praise to Jesus for bringing us near to the heart of God once and for all!

The Gospel Unshaded...(A letter to my local church family in response to Fifty Shades of Grey)

Dear Church Family,

A few days from now hundreds of thousands of people will be flocking to theaters to see the new film, Fifty Shades of Grey.  It is based on the first novel in a trilogy that has sold over 100 million copies as of Feb 2014  and joined the ranks of best sellers like the Harry Potter and Twilight series.  It has been crowned the fastest selling paperback book of all time, and now, with the film release just days away, it is building more global interest and gaining more speed than a downhill locomotive. According to early Fandango box office numbers, Fifty Shades of Grey is set to become one of the highest grossing R-rated films of all time with an estimated $60 million opening weekend .  Hundreds of theaters are reporting pre-sale sold-out showings.  Major retailers (both in stores and online) are selling a new line of Fifty Shades of Grey merchandise.

To say this is a small fad, or just another harmless indulgence is a radical understatement.  A better description might be a “phenomenon” and it’s sweeping across continents masquerading itself as a true love story or fairy tale, when in reality it is spreading and infecting women of all ages (as well as men and teens) with images and lies that are dark and destructive.  A story is powerful.  A love story that tattoos explicit images on your mind can have effects that are almost irreversible.

As I researched and found out more about these novels now turned film, I became more prompted in my spirit to speak out to our church family (particularly our sisters) an urgent message of both warning and truth.  Kind of like that oil check light on your dashboard that flashes at you when something is wrong.  And from what I have seen and heard in the Christian community, many are simply unaware of what Fifty Shades of Grey is preaching to the masses.  Yet chances are, as popular as it has become, either you or someone you know has either read the books or is planning to go see the movie this weekend.  If that’s you, dear one, please…don’t. And here’s why…

The Storyline

Fifty Shades of Grey is in the same vein of fiction as the Twilight series, except exponentially more sexual.  The lead characters in both stories are “heroes” that are depicted as powerful, strong, controlling, dominant men that have a dark side.  Their objects of obsession are young, innocent, pure, naïve, virgin females that fall hopelessly in love with them.  In an informative article on this issue Joe Carter of The Gospel Coalition writes, “In an earlier era of fantasy stories, the goal of a hero was to protect a woman from evil by slaying the dragon. In many of today’s fantasy stories, the hero is the dragon, whose mission is to seduce a woman by his evil.”

The Fifty Shades books are classified under the genre of erotic fiction or “soft” porn and tell the story of how Christian Grey pursues Anastasia Steele and lures her into an entirely sexual relationship based upon the rules of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism).  Realizing this, one might question what the draw is for millions of women.  I think we get a glimpse of it in TIME Magazine’s most recent article on the subject:

“So many of our romantic fantasies, from Twilight to Cinderella, tell the same story: an extraordinary man finds an ordinary woman so irresistible that he overcomes all obstacles – thirst, class divisions, or knowing nothing about her identity except her shoe size – to win her. Fifty Shades is no different.  It speaks to our yearning to be seen as somebody worthy of love, somebody who is chosen by someone impressive and who therefore must be special.” 

While this quote is revealing, let’s first get something straight.  Like The Gospel Coalition quote states above, Fifty Shades is no Cinderella.  While I realize they were both overcome by the beauty of a woman, Prince Charming and Christian Grey are simply incomparable.  But I think TIME Magazine’s point that we are all “yearning to be seen as somebody worthy of love” is profound and right on target.  And the Gospel has an answer for this that no fiction novel will ever be able to satisfy.

The Gospel Unshaded

What Anastasia Steele longs for - to be desired and feel desirable.  To feel alive.  To be “taken care of” in the arms and promised security of another - We all long for that, don’t we?  At least as women we do.  But we don’t need to fill our hearts and minds with counterfeit fantasy when we are part of the truest love story ever written.  And our hero?  He overcame all obstacles and laid aside His fullness of glory in order to “cross class divisions” for us in a way that Christian Grey can’t even touch.  Motivated by a heart full of raging love, He came for you.  And He came for me.  And He came not to be served, but to serve.  So unlike the hero in Fifty Shades who desires the girl first only for her body and what she could do for him, our Hero, the Lord Jesus Christ, gave up His own body so he could have relationship with His beloved.  He desires to draw you in to His very soul that you might know Him intimately and live with Him eternally.  And as far a feeling “alive”? Our Hero is Life itself.  Do you long to feel taken care of?  Our Hero’s name is also Jehovah Jireh – your provider – and He cares for you.

Take a moment and consider all that Jesus offers.  I am convinced that with Christ as your hero, you won’t be left hanging and longing for the next book, the next sex scene to gratify your longings, or the next Christian Grey to come along to make you feel beautiful and alive.  He infinitely satisfies and He is more than enough.  Female degradation streams through the pages of Fifty Shades, but we see Jesus in the scriptures honoring and empowering women in a radical way.  Jesus Christ has chosen you for His own.  Will you give your heart to Him?

A Final Warning  

The church has been fairly proactive in dealing with pornography as it relates to men.  I feel the rise of Fifty Shades has highlighted the need to reach out to women in the same way.  Romance novels, erotica fiction, sexy primetime shows, cable network series, and sometimes even seemingly harmless chick flicks and books can sneak their way into a woman’s heart and begin to take over control like a growing weed.  Our feminine wiring lends us to so easily become immersed and emotionally enmeshed in a story.  So much so that in the case of fantasy, the story can begin to warp our expectations, basing them upon something or someone that simply does not exist.  Scripture says to guard your heart for from it flows the springs of life. (Prov 4:23)

Ultimately, anything that stirs emotional or sexual desire in you to the point where you find yourself in a place of needing it or feeding off of it is taking the rightful place of God in your life and is not His best for you.  For married individuals, entertaining a sexual desire for anything or anyone other than your spouse is like inviting a third party into your relationship.  It’s destructive, isolating and leads to ultimate disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Infinite Shades of Hope

To my sisters, there is so much more left to say, so much I’d love to talk through over a cup of coffee with you.   I’m thankful for others in the evangelical Christian community that have taken the time and done the research to equip the church to move forward with a strong beacon of light in this matter.  (Those resources are listed below.)  However, if you are at a place where you could use additional help or encouragement in this area…or maybe this just raises other questions for which you’d like to process and discover Biblical answers, then please don’t hesitate to reach out to our Women’s Focus ministry or other ministries at Crossroads.  There is no room for judgment at the foot of the cross…only grace, forgiveness and unfading hope.

You are beautiful and beloved.  You are treasured and honored… And the Hero of your story…He loves you more than you could ever imagine.

Yours in Christ,
Shawna Duvall

Resources

Articles:
Focus on the Family: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-and-intimacy/erotica-women-and-marriage/erotica-women-and-marriage

Family Life Today: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/media-and-entertainment/is-fifty-shades-of-grey-dangerous#.VNrUuvnF8XM

Family Life Today: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/wives/fifty-shades-of-caution#.VNrVSfnF8XN

Radio program:
Family Life Today:  http://familylifetoday.com/program/fifty-shades-of-deception/

Books:
Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gresh and Julie Slattery: http://shop.familylife.com/p-4060-pulling-back-the-shades-special-offer.aspx

Studies:
Link to results from a study presented in Journal of Women’s Health:  http://www.newsweek.com/fifty-shades-pain-grey-readers-more-likely-be-abusive-relationships-266337

Website:
Excellent online ministry devoted to addressing women's sexuality, relationships and intimacy from a Biblical perspective: http://www.authenticintimacy.com/

When you say "I'm bored"...

When you say "I'm bored" sweet child... take a moment to open your eyes. Let your mind stretch and dream. And your arms and legs and ten little toes, too.  Don't you settle for pixels and images and controllers and screens that flash only a moment and leave no lasting mark.  You were made for so much more. You were designed to enjoy God's good gifts. To fly!
So when you say "I'm bored" around here...I've got a few ideas for you :)  Pick one. Or two. Or maybe you have your own list. Your dad and I...we know how fast these years go. We know you'll have responsibilities that increase with each passing year.  So go ahead! Play! Explore! Swim wild and free in the joy of being a child...His child.

I love you with a crazy kind of mommy love, dear one...

now...off you GO! :)

When you say "I'm bored"...
Do a puzzle
Build a snowman
Build a snow fort
Rake leaves and jump in them
Pick a bouquet of flowers
Play in the sandbox
Swing
Make up an obstacle course
Go on an explore
Play Frisbee golf
Paint a picture
Hammer nails in wood
Draw a portrait
Sculpt with play-doh
Catch bugs and butterflies
Draw with sidewalk chalk
Make up a story
Put on a show
Play restaurant
Race cars on a track
Build with legos
Make a contraption
Feel the wind in your face and listen to the breeze
Run a lap around the cul-de-sac
Practice your sports skills
Blow bubbles
Play a musical instrument
Make up a song
Dress up in a silly costume
Read a book
Flip through a magazine
Look at old pictures
Make someone a gift
Write a letter to someone
Take a nap
Call a friend or family member
Bake cookies
Decorate the house
Plan a party
Sip hot chocolate and snuggle in a blanket
Do a lemonade stand
Raise money for others in need
Write our Compassion sponsored child
Write a letter to a missionary
Pray
Plan a cultural day for our family
Learn words in another language
Exercise for fun
Dance to music
Make up a game
Play cards
Play a board game
Laugh just for fun
Give someone a hug
Ask Mom or Dad how you can help
Serve someone else in need
Memorize a Bible verse
Clean your room to music
Clean the house to music
Wash the car
Practice silly faces in the mirror
Take pictures of everyday life
Make a craft with household items
Look up at the sky and watch the clouds
Build an indoor fort
Make a card for someone you appreciate
Daydream
Play make-believe
Record a video
Build a block city with a train going through it
Have a nerf gun war
Write a poem or your own psalm
Have a Lincoln Log Army fort war
Take a bubble bath
Make up a scavenger hunt
Count your blessings

He doesn't remember...

I'm struck today with how much my God has forgotten when there is so much to remember.  

I am Israel at heart.  I have boasted and depended on my own strength. I have neglected orphans, widows, and the oppressed in exchange for my own comfort and self-prosperity.  I have bought into deceit and have allowed it to delude my thoughts and actions.  I have wandered from the God who brought me up out of the land of slavery and rebelliously declared myself The Queen.  I have prostituted myself to shameful idols and worshiped them using my Father's good gifts. I have neglected to tear down the high places with sloppy and apathetic holy living.  I have been half-hearted and unfaithful to my God, often sowing the wind and reaping the whirlwind. (Hosea 8:7)

Oh...you're not that bad, you say? I mean Israel was really wicked.

Ahhh...yes.  You're right.  I haven't exactly killed anyone. But I have murdered with my thoughts and slain with my tongue. I have donned malice and anger and rage and envy.  I've clothed myself with compassion and kindness and at the same time slung the backpack of pride over my shoulder.

So when God says He will remember Israel and Judah's wickedness and punish them for their sins (Hosea 8:13 & 9:9) ... And that destruction and exile is imminent. That "their heart is deceitful and now they must bear their guilt." (10:2)...when I read that...I have no words.  Because that should be me...

But it's not.  There is no spiritual exile for me around the corner.  I have no guilt to bear.  And what gets me today the most is that He doesn't even remember.  He has chosen to completely forget...like Clorox on a stain. Like an eraser on a whiteboard.  Like a legal criminal record pardoned, deleted and shredded as if it never happened.

That is some crazy powerful blood of Jesus Christ to be able to shower that kind of righteousness on me. That when He says "For I am God, and not man - the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath." (Hosea 11;9) That's true for us on this side of the cross because His compassion was aroused (Hosea 11:8) and because what He does remember is how much He has loved us from eternity.  And He has remembered that He is a God who is both altogether holy and abounding in lovingkindness and faithfulness forever.  And He remembers and we remember Jesus Christ and the cross that both satisfied His justified wrath and showcased His unconditional love and mercy for all the world.  And we remember the empty tomb that offers us the real hope of returning to Him and wholeheartedly walking with Him in this life and the next.(Hosea 14:1)

So, Father, thank you. Thank you for putting your Son in the line of fire for me. That He undeservedly received the fullness of your wrath, that was well-deserved by me.  There was no sin to "remember" in Him.  And now you remember no sin in me.  So let me continually call it to mind, Lord.  All that you are.  All that you have done.  All that you promise to do. And let me remember the amazing truth that my sins and lawless deeds you remember no more.

Hebrews 10:12-18

"But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, 13 waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a footstool for his feet. 14 For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

15 And the Holy Spirit also bears witness to us; for after saying,

16  “This is the covenant that I will make with them

after those days, declares the Lord:

I will put my laws on their hearts,

and write them on their minds,”

17 then he adds,

“I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”

18 Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin."

Walking on the Deep

The worship team played the first stanzas and I recognized the song. It's was that new trendy one our local radio station had been playing what seemed like every five minutes of the day. Oceans by Hillsong United. But for some reason instead of checking out and just going through the motions, I thought to myself, "Shawna, just open your eyes and try singing these words fresh.  Maybe it will be like you've never heard them before. Be teachable." *sigh*...so I got over myself. And there...waiting on the other side was God's Spirit ready to speak. It was like He skillfully took a brush and began painting that song across the canvas of my mind in beautiful vivid wild color. I stood there, eyes closed, watching The Artist at work.

I've been so vulnerable and just...plain...tired...the past few weeks. It's the constant opposition that just wears me down.  The quarreling kiddos, the defiant preschooler, all the brokenness from adoption and the constant barking at myself that I just can't seem to get it right.  This blessed Chinese student living under our roof and all the unseen battles taking place just in that alone.  The headlines that tell of the rumblings and shakings of this dark world and the evil that has infected it. My neighbors that need Jesus. I feel it all and I am overwhelmed and exhausted.  I have swallowed Grace and Gospel these past couple years like a babe drinks newborn milk...and I ask, "How does this all flesh out? What are the outward markings of this internal taking?"

Surrounded by a sea of voices all sounding as one, we sing, "You call me out upon the waters; the great unknown where feet may fail...". I see my own frail 5'1" windblown figure. My cheeks are tear-stained but you can't tell because of the drenching of sea spray. I'm battered, blown and tossed by waves of affliction, oppression, opposition, and brokenness...yet still somehow walking on top of it all. Not sinking or even treading water. Walking.  And filling up most of the canvas, so much larger and full of life than even I, is the figure of my Shepherd King, the Captain of my soul. He is standing steady, unflinching at the storm, calling out to deeper waters, eyes full of compassion and understanding.  His voice is not at all like the voice I hear constant in my head "Shawna, can't you pick up your feet and walk a little faster? Hellooo?! I'm waiting for you to get it together so we can get on with this mission. You should be stronger by now since we've already walked so far. We can't even see the blasted shoreline anymore." ...No. Not at all like that. In fact the Voice that could command those waves of affliction to cease in a moment is completely invitational, patient and kind.  "Shawna, Look up at me. I've got this. I'm in control of every tossing wave of this sea. Every water molecule moves at my command. These waters exist for me. And Shawna...I've got you.  You exist for me, too.  Come on, dear one. Take my hand. Trust me. Put your eyes on me and take them off these waves." His hand is permanently outstretched in this painted vision and He's somehow able to both gaze onward, charting the path ahead while at the same time keeping His eyes locked on me.

I realize that all of these waves of opposition surrounding me are of the deep. They are swelling up from the abyss, the chaos of this world that has been unraveling since the Fall.  The sufferings I experience in my own life, while not to be compared to the mother who has lost her daughter to trafficking or a family in Syria that has evacuated their home in the dead of night, these sufferings are nonetheless still of the abyss. They are all of the same derivative. They all have the familiar stench of hell.  And we groan and know that things are not as they are supposed to be, but our King reigns over it all. His redemptive work is unstoppable and He is on the move. These waves will be quieted one day once and for all and not one...not one...will rise up again to batter the faithful saints.  Until then, we groan together.  But we do not lose hope.

With every gush of wind and slamming of the waves I can feel my sea legs gaining strength beneath me.  And it is faith that makes a woman strong.  Oh I will fall again. I will gasp for breath and reach out my hand for Jesus to save me...probably even before I finish this blog post. But I know He is there. I know He is Lord of the waves and of my soul. Calling me to keep trusting and to just keep walking.

So I ask, "How do I take this portrait of Wind and Waves and Savior and Child and flesh it out into the mundane? How do I live this reality in the middle of the chaos when the afflictions are not just water on imagined canvas, but the actual faces and voices of my own flesh and blood, broken relationships with people I love, real events happening now and the repetitive sins of my own heart?"  I picture them rising up against me, raging all around.  And when my eyes are not fixed on Jesus and I'm not clinging to His hand, when I'm not listening or His voice...It's then I find I'm instead busying myself with wiping constant water from my face. I'm trying to tell my legs and feet to stand up, or I'm bracing myself for another wave assault. I'm angrily yelling at the waves to be still and quiet down! Just stop! I fight rage with rage. Brokenness with brokenness and it's a futile effort making me all the more weary and worn down to the brink of emotional exhaustion.  I do not have within me the power to silence the opposition. But there is One sovereign. And He is here with me in the midst. And at His good pleasure and out of His infinite wisdom He will silence...or not. But either way, He is here with me, loving me, and I have all I need to walk out on the Deep...all of His strength, peace, hope, joy, wisdom, life, faith, grace and love coursing through my veins as I grab hold of His outstretched hand over and over again.

When I take each singular wave and look behind to the thing it represents (a tantrum, a quarrel, misunderstanding, hurtful words, loneliness, loss, wreckage, blatant inhumanity) I picture that in the middle of whatever circumstance I'm in that seems to me overwhelming and oppositional, His hand is outstretched and waiting steady. "Will you look at me and trust me in this moment? I am sovereign over it all, commanding and working through these tossing waves of affliction according to my will...for my glory and for ultimate good. Shawna, will you take my hand?"

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior