2013 - The Down-Low on the Duvalls :)

2013 brought a year of change for our family.  Maybe not so much in the external…many things look similar to the way they did a year ago.  But more the internal changes of heart, mind and soul.  It’s been a squeezing and shaping, molding and melding, breaking and building kind of year.  Lots of adjusting in embracing the beautiful and joyful addition of our new little guy, Caleb.  Life’s a journey and hand in hand our family has sojourned over steep precipices, through valleys, across deserts, through dense fog forests and occasionally stopped at an overlook of a breathtaking vista.  So many of you have met us, walked with us and spurred us along in very real, tangible ways on the journey and we are more grateful and indebted than we can express in words on a page. Thank you!!  

Despite the emotional ups and downs of the year we’ve still maintained a level of “normalcy” (although I’m not so sure we’ve ever been “normal” around here) :)  Here’s an individual rundown…

Micah – 8 years old and now in 2nd grade!  Still into soccer, legos, Michigan State, baseball cards and any sports game going on in our neighborhood cul-de-sac.  At school he’s grown a love for writing, but gym is still his favorite “special”. It’s been fun to see his sense of humor develop as he keeps us laughing.  He attended his first MSU game this year and won’t stop wearing green. 

Savannah – 5 years old and now in Kindergarten three full days a week.  She is thriving in school and while the teacher says she’s quiet in the classroom, she spills all her words from the moment she walks into the door until she leaves again :)  She’s all about arts and crafts and playing “family” with her dolls. Quite the gift giver, we always have a newly colored art project waiting for us on our bed.

Caleb – 3 years old and in gymnastics once a week.  His one year anniversary with our family was Oct 24 of this year.  What a milestone!  He has grown exponentially in so many ways. His vocabulary increases daily and he has mastered the construction vehicles names. He’s obsessed with all things construction. He mimics everything his older siblings do (good or bad) and wants nothing more than to be in the center of it all at all times.  There’s a reason why he’s in gymnastics once a week   :)

Greg – “ahem” years old and still working with Marketplace Chaplains USA as the Northern Division Director and Gordon Food Service National Account Manager.  He still loves the relational side of his job and all the ways he gets to enter into the lives of such a wide range of individuals.  His chaplain team continues to bless him as they serve together.  Not much running of races this year for either of us…just running after a toddler :)  He’s got his eyes set on a long distance run this Spring.

Shawna – the perfect age and still a stay at home mama and volunteering a bit at Micah’s school as a room mom. I’m also still working part time for the church as a co-director for our women’s ministry and enjoying leading Bible studies and meeting one on one with young women. 

We’re peering into 2014 gripped with hope and leaning into Jesus.  We have experienced so much grace and mercy this past year. And although we may be finishing this year with a limp, we know He is a God of infinite measures of goodness and kindness and He will continue to bring glory to His name and bring us great joy as we trust Him.

This Season we are reflecting back not only on the past year, but equally to the Holy Night 2000 years ago. Explaining the Story for the first time to a three year old brings such incredible perspective. Baby Jesus is truly Good News. 

May reflections on Immanuel, “God With Us” bring you and your family a “three-year old” kind of Joy, Rest and Trust this year :)

With a hearts full of love and thanks,

The Duvalls

Greg, Shawna, Micah, Savannah and Caleb

“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Rom 8:32

 Great Wolf Lodge

 Playground near Aunt and Uncle's house in GA

 Pentwater, MI in the summer

 Micah's first day of school

 lakeside in summer

 fishing in Pentwater, MI

 Halloween at Daddy's work

 

Easter in Savannah, GA

3.6.5 and counting...

October 24 marked one year to the day we walked off an airplane with a Thai orphan in tow. A year (!) Many of you have graciously asked...How does it feel? Did it go faster than you expected? How is Caleb adjusting? And to be honest I think I have a dozen different answers...for each question.  And that's just from my perspective.  Everyone walks through the adoption journey at their own pace and in their own way.  So I can't speak entirely for Greg and the kids.  At times that can lead to a somewhat isolating experience when emotions are so intense and processing is happening on so many different levels between five different people. But we keep showing up. We keep loving and waiting and praying and pressing in and now...after a year...I think I can get my head up above water long enough to take a breath and share with you from this changed, stripped, broken, humbled and yet overhwelmingly grateful mama's heart.

So...it's been a Year. (Like with a capital "Y"). I've journaled bits and pieces along the way you can read in previous posts.  But for now, the recap.

I think what I did not realize (you know hindsight is always 20/20) is that during the first half of the year I was enduring a significant amount of shock and trauma in my own heart and mind and then at the same time trying to function as a mother to a non-biological child with radical attachment/bonding issues, sensory issues, dietary issues, emotional/behavioral issues, and much more than a large dose of his own shock and trauma. This doesn't make for a very healthy bonding experience.  I took myself to the beating post everyday with self condemnation and feelings of outright failure.  Part of the shock was the realization of my inability to love an orphan on my own.  I just couldn't do it.  And it totally caught me off guard and made me doubt so much of my heart and life and faith.  I felt a failure before God, the Defender of the orphan and the widow. The One with immeasurable, unchanging, steadfast love.  The God with an always open heart to His children. And me, with a closed, hard, pharoah-like heart.  Hopelessness and desperation set in.  And God let me feel that.  But oh, his grace and mercy. His nearness and strength and provision in the most unexpected of ways. A Word of Truth here, a text message from a friend there, a prayer, a song, a smile from my adopted son, laughter and snuggles from my two biological children, respite, a date night, a brisk walk, a coffee shop...And now I look back and with tears I can say "My God, You carried me." Like David, I can honestly say, "Thus far the LORD has brought me." And He will bring me still.

Swirling emotions of guilt and shame led me to the cross.  I began to understand the gospel...to swallow it whole for the first time.  Oh, I could have engaged in conversations with you about the gospel, the good news of Jesus, on so many levels. But...to experience it like that. Waves of mercy, revelation, wonder and awe...Could this really be true? Is Jesus' righteousness imparted to me so perfect, lasting, unwavering and solid that it's as if I never sinned? Am I really free to come before Him with the horror of my depraved mind and heart and He looks at me and says, "What sin? What anger? What pride? What bitterness and resentment? What selfishness? What lack of love? I paid for that. It's gone."  And that I can bring my brokenness day after day after day...my inability to simply love this orphan (now son) with an open, pure heart despite his rejection.  And He supplies what I need in the moment. And the next moment.  And all the fullness of God is within and around changing this heart and these circumstances and this family. Bless God.

So the Gospel...the sweet, sweet Gospel. May it more and more become the center of all I am and why I live.  The Gospel-centered life. Oh, God, let it be.

Among other lessons learned are the root and pathway to Compassion. True Compassion. That it's first having eyes to see, then a heart moved by a love for God's will and glory in that person's life, then the sheer determination to just move into that life. Whether by prayer or in a physical, tangible way.  This is profound for someone like me not naturally prone to overwhelming feelings of gushy mercy or compassion for every man, woman, World Vision child and animal shelter puppy.  But I've learned that in Christ, I can put on a spirit of compassion. It starts with His perspective and His Spirit and Him making me adequate to minister His grace. Not from me. Again...Bless God.

So "one year" for me didn't exactly bring about a desire for a party with balloons and clowns (ok, well no party ever evokes in me a desire for clowns).  There's been so much gratitude for how far we've come mixed with much discouragement that we weren't where I thought we'd be.  But then I remember...Who exactly is in control here and Who is setting the bar for being "exactly where you're supposed to be"?  God is.  So now I'm learning to Rest.  We've got some scarring from this past year, some of which still needs healing and some of which I hope we carry with us for the rest of our lives as reminders of how to walk with a limp, leaning on Jesus to be all in all.

The beauty of seeing Caleb interacting and seeming more and more a part of our family everyday, hearing new vocabulary spill out of his mouth, having him lean in to give me a kiss for the first time today, seeing his bond with his Daddy and his desire to interact with his siblings, hearing him belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul...ooohhh my soul!", watching him in gymnastics, reading him books, tucking him in at bedtime...this beauty brings soulful praise. Only God can move mountains like that.

As painful and trying as the last year has been, I'd do it all again...and again.  I can say that now.  And I'll tell you why. Because I live with a constant reminder of the love and grace shown to me as one once fatherless and estranged from my Heavenly father. An orphan child brought Home by the sacrifice of the Father's firstborn. He gave His son so I could be adopted into His family, sit at his table and belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul!" and get access into the most intimate parts of His being.  And not only does Caleb remind me of my own adoption, but that God has implanted and is working out His Spirit of adoption in my own heart and life. That every day I'm being changed from glory to glory and growing in True Calvary Love. And that's worth it. He's worth it.