Forgive, forget, be fragrant

2 Corinthians 2:5-17

So this week's a little personal.  I've both seen and felt it in my marriage and mothering this past month like a splinter in your finger that you just need to get out.  Unforgivess can kill a soul.  I'm sure you've witnessed it or experienced it too...it eats away at a life until there's nothing left but a shell of a human being.  Irrational. Blinded and unable to see anything because their entire field of vision is like a mirror reflecting themselves. Motivated by self-defense, self-justification, self-exaltation, self-appeasement, self-preservation...it's a slow, slow death that leaves a trail of carnage behind.  All because of unforgiveness?!  Whoa, y'all...that's serious.

It's easy to apply lessons of forgiveness to our marriages because it seems we get to practice it with every hourly gong of the clock (at least I do!)  But my kids?  I don't really think about living in forgiveness with my kids as much.  And yet Paul here is talking about forgiveness amongst the Corinthian church and forgiveness in his own heart towards members of the church. Important enough to fill most of the second chapter.  Jesus includes in the Sermon on the Mount and makes it a primary lesson for his disciples more than once.  I've heard someone say you're never more Christlike than when you forgive.  Jesus...teaching forgiveness by modeling forgiveness.  And so must I with my own little disciples.
Here are some thoughts on the passage...
Verse 5 - my kids can cause me some sorrow, ladies.  Last night I up and left storytime during the last chapter of The Boxcar Children because I was overcome with both frustration and sorrow that they couldn't stop fighting over who was sitting in the most comfy spot.  My goodness....sorrow in this mama's heart!! Yet these Truth Words rolled through my mind...Verses 6-11...I went back in. We didn't finish Boxcar last night, but I held them, comforted them, prayed with them, was real with them about my own need for grace. I forgave them. They went to sleep comforted and at peace.  We moved on and we'll read Boxcar this morning. I didn't handle everything all that well either - I need forgiveness, too.  But these points below were helpful stepping stones.
1) Is the discipline/punishment sufficient?  Then that's enough.  Don't let it go on and on in the name of "Teaching them a lesson" (I might tend toward a bit of drama in these situations...and that's probably not what this text is allowing here) We are careful that they not become overwhelmed by excessive sorrow under crushing discipline or an unforgiving Mommy's spirit.  Paul is talking about adults here, but even moreso we must remember the tender hearts of the little sheep entrusted to us as their "under shepherds" to the Great Shepherd.
2) When the discipline ends, forgiveness and comfort move in.  Here's the challenge for me.  When my kids have caused my heart sorrow, I must totally forgive with an open heart and not carry it with me or against them throughout the day. I must take practical, real steps to both speak and show forgiveness and comfort and reaffirm my love for them (vs 8). What might this look like?  Words..."I forgive you. I love you. Mommy needs grace, too". Actions...a hug or maybe some kind of act of serving them to show them how special they are.  The Word & prayer...bringing it back to scripture and reaffirming God's love for them as well as my own. Gratitude...speak thanks out loud.  Count the blessings. Restore the joy.
3) Leave no room for Satan.  He is not welcome in this house.  And I best not leave the door open for him to squeeze his slimy self or unwanted helpers in through the crack.  Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness give Satan an advantage. (vs 11 & Eph 4:26-27) Forgiveness is the "Keep Out - Beware Pit Bull!" sign and the lock on the door.
4) Vs 12-13 - Paul's graciously explaining himself to the Corinthians.  We don't have to explain ourselves, but sometimes it just helps with the kiddos.  Paul just uses two verses.  Taking time for a simple explanation can speak volumes.

Now a splinter deep in the finger (Unforgiveness) throbs with pain.  And getting it out (Forgiveness) isn't painless either.  Sometimes we'd rather it just stay in there because we know what taking it out entails.  My poor little guy got a splinter in his wrist a couple summers ago and we actually had to take him to an orthopedic hand surgeon and undergo full blown surgery to get it out! Some unforgiveness requires an operating table. But there is hope in the death of self. There is hope for my unforgiving heart.  Verses 14-17...God is leading us in a processional, with Christ as the Victor.  We follow behind as His captives - free and fragrant.  We are surrendered to the Victor and parading the streets behind him with the sweet smell of our lives of forgiveness and self-sacrifice in the name of Christ wafting upward and outward.  Think of the sacrificial altar in the Old Testament.  Smoke from the burnt offerings rising up to the heavens.  Think of a victory parade in ancient Rome...We follow Christ!  The Victor!! The fragrance is from our death - but how sweet it is to God the Father and those who are being saved...our kids.  The World may sniff and say "That's what forgiveness smells like? no thanks."  But we forgive, forget, love open, love hard, love real and keep on being fragrant.  Thanks be to God!

So I'm walking step by step this week.  Asking the Spirit to check my forgiveness-meter.  Praying I have the strength, power and grace in Christ to forgive my kids wholeheartedly and continually. Remembering my Lord forgiving his murderers while hung on a cross.  Praying I forgive myself.  Praying I live in the forgiveness of Christ my King.  One of my favorite teachings of Jesus on forgiveness is in Luke 7:36-50.  Check it out :)

My son is a Tobymac fan.  Every now and then I get to sing along to this song in the background:

Forgiveness: Tobymac and Lecrae

'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we all stepped across that line
But nothing's sweeter than the day we find
We find... 

It's hanging over him like the clouds of Seattle
And raining on his swag, falling deeper in the saddle
It's written on his face, he don't have to speak a sound
Somebody call the 5-0, we've got a man down

Now you can go and play it like your all rock 'n' roll
And guilt does a job on each and every man's soul
And when your head hits the pillow with the night fall
You can bet your life that it's gonna be a fight y'all

'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we've all stepped across that line
But nothing's sweeter than the day we find
Forgiveness, forgiveness

And we all stumble and we fall
Bridges burn in the heat of it all
But nothing's sweeter than the day we call
We call

Out for forgiveness
We all need, we all need
We all need forgiveness
We all need, we all need

Mister Lecrae

My mama told me what I would be in for
If I keep all this anger inside me pint up
My heart's been broken, my wounds been open
And I don't know if I can hear "I'm sorry" been spoken
But those forgiving much should be quicker to give it
And God forgave me for it all, Jesus bleed forgiveness
So when the stones fly and they aimed at you
Just say "forgive 'em Father, they know not what they do"

Now you can go and play it like your all rock 'n' roll
And guilt does a job on each and every man's soul
And when your head hits the pillow with the night fall
You can bet your life that it's gonna be a fight y'all

'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we've all stepped across that line
But nothing's sweeter than the day we find
Forgiveness, forgiveness

And we all step on it and fall
Bridges burn in the heat it all
But nothing's sweeter than the day 
Sweeter than the day we call

Out for forgiveness
You know we need that that that
You know we need that that that
You know we need that that that

No matter how lost you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)
No matter how hurt you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)
And no matter how wrong you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)
And no matter who you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)

Ask for forgiveness

"But you said...!"

**A brief note and apology on the extended hiatus from this blalk...Ah! I'm beating myself up for being one of those who says they're going to do something and then doesn't follow through - VERY IRONIC in view of this post I wrote weeks ago - and then never posted.  Looks like I have a long way to go, sistas...a looong way to go.  Oh those "good" intentions... So...after some time with family in TX and a brief study on Colossians, I'm leaning into grace to be able to finish this before the end of summer. If any of you still reading and walking along would like to post your own thoughts on any section of 2 Corinthians, please send it my way!! It can be for my eyes only, or I'd love to post it here to share with many.  My hope is for this to be a communal effort in balking together.  I need me some "sister spurring on" :)

2 Corinthians 1:12-24

I want my mothering to be clear, straightforward, genuine and pure from the heart.  Not muddled by my own untrustworthy earthly wisdom or deceptive fleshly motivations.  I want my kids someday to look back and realize that my words and actions were reflections of God's grace manifest in and through me.(1:12-13) That on the day the Lord Jesus comes back again, they will be proud of me in the same way I am proud of them, full of joyful thanks that we have run the race with all we've got. (1:14)

I want to abide so fully in Jesus that my mothering is pure and always points to the "Yes!" in Jesus.  That even when I waiver...when my kids say "But Mom, you promised!!" - my waivering is not from selfish ambition as the world is so naturally prone.  My waivering is based on the wisdom of Christ and my motivation is rather that I perceive it to be best for our family or the Kingdom at large, even when it may dissapoint or inconvenience us.  For example - in this passage Paul promised to go see the Corinthians twice again. Then he realized that for the sake of their faith and love in Christ, it would be better to only see them once to spare them grief (1:23-2:4).  Then they threw a temper tantrum and began accusing him of being wishy washy and like the world.  His changing his mind was for their benefit and his conscience was clear in Christ.  He knew that their temporary disappointment would work to their eternal gain.

So as I consider my mothering in this passage, two things jump out. One, I want to be as clear and straightforward with my kids as is wise in the moment according to God's grace at work in me.  If I promise something, I want to be the sort of mom who delivers. On the big stuff and the little stuff.  And not only in promising blessing, but also in carrying through with boundaries and discipline.  Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no", "no". Just like Jesus (Matt 5:37)  I want them to begin to really see a clear distinctive between our home and this world. We reflect our King.

In the same vein, when I do waiver for whatever reason, it's such a great teaching opportunity to point my kids to Jesus and say, "But look! This world may change and people can't make guarantees they can always keep - But God's promises are ALWAYS "yes" because Jesus is certain and for real."  You can trust Him to always, always come through. Paul pointed the Corinthians to Christ!  Christ the eternal "Yes!" in God.  The one affirmed by God as the yes of every promise in the Old and New Testaments. An all His promises for His children are good. We repond to Him and take hold of the "Yesses" by believing in Him.  "The Spirit brings God's promises home to us, makes them alive to us, and empowers us to obey them." (*Stedman, 279)

Amen! And Amen! :)

shawna

"Yes, Um...I'll take a venti double shot cup of Comfort with whip, please?"

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, The Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Cor 1:3

Someone blessed me with a Starbucks giftcard so I got a vanilla iced latte today at Target.  It was comfort to me.  But I didn't order it just so I could be comforted - I also knew that an extra kick of caffeine would surge me through the morning so I might be able to skip through my errands and have added energy to be attentive to my kids (and neighbor since I was babysitting).  I'm not condoning caffeine as a prerequisite to discipleship :)  My point is that we are comforted so that we may be a comfort to others.  I sipped a latte so I could serve better.  This almost sounds ridiculous. Maybe it is :)  Why don't we just let that analogy drop right there and look at what Paul is saying here.

God the Father of all mercies and of all comfort is promising to the believer who is experiencing suffering and affliction of any kind an abundance of comfort.  As we suffer with Christ according to the will of our sovereign God (the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ), we will be comforted by God the Father in Christ.  What a promise!!  In any affliction, internal or external,  I can experience direct, personal comfort from God (ESV notes vs 1:4)  What does it look like, then?  Read Dr. Thomas Constable's notes on this section below (bold highlights mine):

“Comfort” (Gr. paraklesis) is the key word in this section (vv. 3-7) occurring 10 times as a noun or a verb. It also appears in 2:7, 8; 5:20; 6:1; 7:4, 6, 7, 13; 8:4, 6, 17; 9:5; 10:1; 12:8, 18; and 13:11. Thus 2 Corinthians is truly a letter of encouragement. This Greek word means much more than mere sympathy. It communicates the idea of one person standing alongside another to encourage and support his friend. The same word describes the Holy Spirit (“Paraclete”) who strengthens and guides us (John 14:16, 26; 15:26; 16:7). Christ, too, provides encouragement and support as our Advocate (1 John 2:1) and Helper (Heb. 2:18). Here it is the Father who comforts and consoles the afflicted.

“There are two things of which God is said to have the monopoly: He is ‘the God of all grace’ and He is ‘the God of all comfort.’ All grace comes from Him, all lasting comfort comes from Him.”[22]

One of the ways in which attachment/bonding is formed is through the caregiver "giving" comfort.  It's been so crazy the past few days as I've thought over this passage...my adopted toddler has come running for comfort from me more times than I can count due to scrapes, bangs, cuts, gashes, falls, bonks...you name it. I just let him run around in his bike helmet now :)  But all these "afflictions" have given me opportunity to comfort him by putting on a bandaid and prop him back up on his feet after a snuggle (which are rare and precious with him!) I am reinforcing to him that he can trust me and come to me as I reflect the heart of our Father of mercy, grace and comfort.

So as my kids run to me for encouragement, help, comfort...that soothing balm of Gilead...so I run to my Father.  This section of scripture is a HUGE help to me in the "afflictions" of motherhood as I carry out the ministry of reconciliation.  No matter the tantrum, the constant opposition, the 10,000 needs going on at once, I can rest assured there is paraklesis abundant for me in any given moment.  God wants to help, encourage, strengthen, and comfort me!  Sometimes I just need to get quiet enough to surrender and trust my God in order to receive.  Sometimes He sends blatant help in the form of a "Titus" (2 Cor 7:6).  We wait, watch and by faith receive our comfort from God.

Not only does He promise to comfort, but there is also the promise that this Living Comfort will continue to work in the hearts of those we serve.  We can patiently endure the the 4:30pm to 6:00pm hour or the sleepless nights or early mornings knowing that the comfort received in those times will bear a fruitful harvest of comfort and salvation in the lives of my family members! (vs. 6)  We are comforted so that we may be able to comfort! (vs 3)  When I am despairing even of life, battling depression or those dark days - they have purpose in Christ. Oh, that I would learn not to rely on myself - but rather run and receive from the Comforter and Deliverer. (vs. 1:9-10)

And why all this?  So the great Father of mercies will get more thanks, more praise and more glory! (vs 11) Amen! :)

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." Rom 15:5-6

"As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you:..."Is 66:13

Be encouraged today, O mother of comfort and joy :)

Encourage me with a short comment :)  How have you been comforted in your afflictions?  What does it look like for you to receive and then pour out the comfort of the Father of all grace, mercy and comfort?  What other thoughts do you have in this introductory section?

A "Blalk" through 2nd Corinthians anyone??

It's kind of a mix between blog and walk :)  In these past couple months of cyber silence, my Heavenly Father has been downloading His restorative, solid rock truth to me via Paul's second letter to the Corinthians 2000 years ago.  It always strikes me how something written in another time, in another language, to another culture can bear such significance to me in my day in day out living...that's the power of the living Word...and  I suppose shows the uniformity of humanity regardless of race, sex or status.  We all need God.
Anyway...I'd never read 2 Corinithians in light of mothering.  It's a book on the relationship between suffering and the power of the Spirit in Paul's apostolic life, minitry and message. (ESV intro to 2 Cor)
But as I've considered the high call of motherhood, its demands and its purpose, God by His Spirit has been bringing His life and hope into these hard-knock-life days as I've studied the chapters of this letter.  So I had the idea to blog my way through 2 Corinthians with the idea that maybe some other mamas out there would want to join in and "blalk" along with me (it that cheesy? I've been known once or twice to be cheesy...but seriously...what's the world without a little swiss and cheddar every now and then?)  I would LOVE to hear comments, insights and mutual encouragement so this is more of a community "thang" than a Shawna "thang".

And so we dive in...2 Corinthians chapter 1 verses 1-2...

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, To the church of God that is at Corinth, with all the saints who are in the whole of Achaia:  Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."

I was tempted just to skip on to the meaty part since Paul starts all his letters like this.  But every iota of God's written Word carries weight and is included for His divine purposes.  And as I took the time to observe and meditate these verses some profound truths emerged that have imprinted my motherhood.

1)  Paul begins by stating who he is.  He is an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God.  Paul was apostolos "one who is sent" with the specific call to represent Jesus Christ to the gentiles and God the Father is the One who ordained and called him to this apostleship.  Now Paul's apostleship was unique in that others in the church did not share this title.  Notice it says Timothy our brother.  Timothy wasn't an "apostle" but he was no less "sent" according to Matthew 28:19 than Peter or Paul or you or I.  So I am not equating myself with Paul's unique title of "apostle", however I am going to apply the universal principle that God the Father himself wills us to follow and thus represent Christ Jesus.  We are the sent ones.  And so as Paul begins his letters this way, I have started the practice of beginning my days this way.  Remembering who I am and whose I am.  While eyes still half closed and groping the cupboards for my coffee cup, I am choosing to bow my heart and proclaim who I am and whose I am "Shawna, 'daughter of the King, saint, disciple & bondservant' by the will of God."  And then declare who/what I have been called unto: "Shawna, 'sent one' called to be a my husband's greatest supporter and unto motherhood this day by the will of God."  As Paul was sent to the gentiles, my mission field is my home.  And while it's not my only mission field, it's my primary one.  I have been called and appointed here. Who are you or whose are you today? Where are you called?

"He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it" 1 Thess 5:24

2) "By the will of God."  God Himself has pre-ordained, called and sent me out (or "in", as there are some days I never leave these walls).  This truth of God's sovereign call and rule brings me such peace and helps me exhale when tension rages in the home.  It is pre-planned.  Before time God chose my three to be discipled and mothered by me.  This becomes especially poignant in the attachment/bonding struggles I am facing with our adopted son.  He has willed it.  Before time God knew He would place the calling of motherhood on me.  I truly believe all women are called to mother as it is part of God's inherent divine design beginning with Eve.  Some of us are called to mother children in the home. Some in other ways.  Nevertheless, whatever the circumstance, it has been willed unto you, unto me, dear sister, by God the Father.  And while at times it may feel more like a prison sentence than an esteemed position, He never wills or calls us to anything that He will not work out in and through us to the praise of His glory.
Oh! I have come to love the sovereignty of my God.  And look at verse 2!  Grace and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ be unto you and me.  Grace upon grace as we live out our call.

"In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory." Eph 1:11-12

So let's' choose when we arise to bow our hearts and minds before the throne of God Most High.  Declare to Him and to your wandering heart who He is and whose you are today.  Just as Paul begins his letters as if to say "Ok, just so we're all on the same page here - this is who I am, whose I am, and what I'm called to in Christ.", let us set things straight when morning dawns.  Oh blessed mother, remember with me there is a specific high calling on our lives and He has willed it.  Let that set the course for your day ahead wherever He may lead.

grace and peace, sister :)

shawna

A few months later...and still moving on

Well it's been over two (strike that...three?!) months since the last post (yikes!)...I have a few saved in my drafts, but they never made it public.  It's been quite a road.  I have so much to process but it seems never enough strength left over to hack it out on the keyboard.   And where to start?  I guess just start somewhere.  I'd love to update everyone on the past days and weeks, but it makes me tired and it seems so complicated to explain.  I'd love to finish a 2012 family letter, but alas, I'm neck deep in 2013 and that seems like so long ago.  So...that's where we are.  We've spent some time with an adoption family counselor after seeing significant attachment/bonding issues rise and have left with a sense of sobriety and yet...hope. *sigh*, "Praise God."  We've been in what Greg calls "full court press" with Caleb.  The main focus is on his attachment with his mama...me.  Which takes all those things I wrote in previous posts about open heartedness, true Calvary love, laying down a life - and fleshes them out minute by minute as I trust that this truly is the pathway to healing and restoration.  That kindness leads to repentance.  The deal with full court press, though, is that a team never plays that way all game.  It's too pressing.  So it is requiring more perspective, more truth, more grace, more strength from Heaven day in and day out.  Which means I must keep my heart still enough to hear and receive.  I must call out for help. And I must keep going, trusting that a sovereign God has charted this course and equipped and enabled me all I need for this ministry of reconciliation (see 2 Cor 4&5).

In this (and through some good ole fashioned therapy) I have also realized that this has been traumatic for me as well.  So many emotions that seem so overpowering at times are manifestions of what is going on in me at a deeper level.  Fight or flight is so true.  So I'm learning to give myself a little grace.  I'm learning that Caleb and I are actually working through things together.  We're grieving over different things and in our own ways, but the common ground is that we're both grieving and "dealing".  And while Caleb reacts at a two year old level, I have the choice and freedom and help in the Spirit to place my emotions into the Hands of One strong enough to take them and then breathe unspeakable Peace over my whole being.  I'm learning to let go in the moment and not hold myself or this family up to unrealistic expectations...and oh! - those "Expectations"!  Sheesh.

So that's kind of where we are...celebrating HUGE over the littlest victory (like a hug or a kiss or simply eye contact) and tasting and choosing to believe those little morsels are just appetizers for a bigger feast ahead :) We have hope because God is on His throne. And He's just really, really, really that good. More "Good" than we could ever imagine.  And He's an amazing Shepherd familiar with the terrain and knows how to call and guide his little sheep that walk with a limp.  We are blessed beyond measure and know that God is in our midst.

So many of you have continued praying for us and we know God has heard from heaven and mercifully moved on our behalf. Thank you and bless God....we covet continued prayer for healing for Caleb, for strength in the Spirit for me, for unity in our marriage (after 6 months of experiencing this whole thing totally differently, it takes added effort, humility, sensitivity, GRACE and teamwork to stay connected and stay the course together).

Like that woman in Proverbs ch 31 that encapsulates a life of true wisdom by smiling at the future...I am praying to surrender fears to Love, pick up that cross and live in a way that says I know and believe that the "I Am" is the "I AM".  I welcome any other limping sheep to join me along the way...

Grace and Peace, beloved! :)

Compassion at Christmas

My son reads a book series called "Magic Treehouse" by Mary Pope Osborne and she always titles her books something like "Dolphins at Daybreak" or "Afternoon on the Amazon".  If I had to title this chapter of my life in that vein it would read "Compassion at Christmas".  As in...it's on my wish list.  Reading through the book of Matthew I've been reminded again how compassion was this primary visceral response for Jesus.  Over and over...He felt compassion, was moved by compassion, filled with compassion, deeply moved...His very first sermon, the infamous "Beatitudes" is all about compassion.  Every angle from which you view the Christian life, it's there.  Compassion.  Mercy.  Pity.  Sympathy.  Loyalty.  Kindness.  All these words find themselves linked in the ancient Hebrew or Greek.  Literally "splagchnizomai," (God bless you!) the greek for "compassion" means to be moved as to one's bowels (thought to be the seat of love and pity).  You feel it.  And not only do you feel it, but you want to do something about it.  

Webster's says this: COMPASSION, 1. A suffering with another; painful sympathy; a sensation of sorrow excited by the distress or misfortunes of another; pity; commiseration. Compassion is a mixed passion, compounded of love and sorrow; at least some portion of love generally attends the pain or regret, or is excited by it. Extreme distress of an enemy even changes enmity into at least temporary affection.  He being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity. Psa 78. His father had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. Luke 15.

OK, kinda wordy, I'll agree...but the main point I think is that you are attaching yourself to another's grief or suffering by feeling it with them and wanting to help alleviate their pain.  Jesus' felt compassion was always followed by action in Matthew.  He was deeply moved then he welcomed and healed.  Even when it was inconvenient.  Even when he was dog tired or trying to get alone to grieve the execution of his beloved cousin John.  When I'm thirsty, I drink.  When I'm hungry, I eat.  When I'm tired, I sleep.  When Jesus feels compassion, He acts.  And to think we are always objects of His love and mercy!  He is always on the move in my life and in yours.  But the people had to come to Him and cry out, ask, seek and knock.  And what they got was so much mercy from God's Servant they were bewildered and praised God in wonderment.  And next time they brought their friends along to get some of that kind of mercy, too.

I've been conducting a little survey for compassion in my own gut and I think more than ever with the adoption of our son, I have seen my desperate lack of it.  I've become keenly aware of how apathetic I can be towards another's plight.  Instead of feeling it with them, I find I'm quicker to justify their suffering as mere consequence for their own poor choice.  Or I find myself so wrapped up in my own messy journey that I don't take the time to get outside myself to think or feel for another.   I find for years I used the "spiritual gift" excuse to lay the responsibility to feel compassion and act on it on those with that special "gift of mercy".  "Yeah, wellll...I'm more of the teacher type...sooooo....".  But how far this is from the core message of the Story.  The God of compassion and mercy wants to infuse Himself into our being.  That we might partner with Him in being moved for the whole broken, lost, hurting, shepherdless, fatherless, hopeless, loveless ball of humanity.

In reading Matthew I noticed that first Jesus "saw" the crowds.  He perceived with His eyes.  He was looking.  Are we going out into the streets, alleys, offices, shopping malls, schools, cul-de-sacs, looking? He saw.  Then He was moved to compassion.  This is the part that gets me.  I simply know that this kind of gut feeling will have to be granted by the Father of Mercy.  I will ask for it in faith.  I know He will in time change me to feel His heart for this world.  And not just for the samaritan.  It will start in my home and with my family and friends knit into the daily fabric of my life.  I want His heartbeat.  I want to see past the chaos of the moment in our home...to almost freeze-frame time and see what He sees with His eyes.  And then, I want to act - with His hands, feet, words, thoughts, prayers.  Or maybe it means taking the God-like stance of Psalm 78:38 "Yet he is compassionate. He forgives sin and does not destroy. He often holds back his anger, and does not stir up his fury."  This is compassion and mercy, too.  Or maybe it's speaking gently to a child, or genuinely feeling with my spouse the things that are swirling around in his heart and head.  Compassion is God's heartbeat at the very center.  From Genesis to Revelation...mercy.  So that's what I'm asking for this Christmas and New Year.  I want to see, feel and act like Jesus.  Big prayer.  Baby steps.  But again...it's His kindness that leads us to repentance.  If we're going to point a world to a Savior, we might want to start reacting in the same visceral way that moved him 2000 years ago, led him to a cross and continues to move Him still.  Come Lord Jesus, have Your Way in us.

Pathways

It's funny the revelations that come in the laundry room.  Maybe it's the whoosh of the washer and hum of the dryer that drown out other thoughts.  Maybe it's the monotony of sorting and folding - I don't know...but sometimes I feel like the Light just flicks on and I See something new and afresh.  Like the smell of my son's clean socks that were repulsive only one hour before :)  I have been found dropped to my knees in a pile of clothes either begging for grace to make it through the day or just plain full of thanks and praise for the joy of His revelation in that laundry sanctuary.

So...the most recent "aha" was when Caleb was playing next to me and I thought "I wonder at what point he will come to me or choose me over the memory of his former foster mother?  I mean, if the two of us were standing side by side, at what point would he choose me, his real mother, over his foster one?"  I didn't get any kind of revelation on when that might be - rather - it doesn't matter when as much as it matters how.  I remembered how Israel longed for Egypt after being delivered by their Covenant-Remembering God.  He heard their cries. He did not forget!  And yet, the people longed for the "comforts" of Egypt when the going got tough in the desert.   Or I thought of how so often I choose things of this world to satisfy my deep longings when the God of steadfast love and mercy offers the abundance of all His beautiful Self.  And then I thought of how this world never won me over with grace, love, mercy or anything else.  It's been an empty shell of a thing.  Disappointing every time.  But my God...my God has pursued me and won me over by His kindness, which led (and leads me still) to repentance, surrender and determined faith.  So I must let His Spirit in me do the same with Caleb.  I must win him over with grace and unconditional love.  I must pursue him, remain open to him, be a constant in his little life.  I must prove my steadfast love for him day after day after day.  My brilliant, wise and incredibly gracious sister-in-law Chrissy gave me this analogy when I told her how difficult it was that Caleb was just so emotionally stone cold towards me. She said it reminded her of a stone path worn away by years and years of treading upon by travelers.  Over time, the face of the stone changes.  It becomes smooth and strong and eventually reveals the Way.  She added to it by saying you could also use a chisel to change the face of the stone...it would be must quicker.  But it would actually harm the stone, causing cracks, crevices and breaking off pieces that would altogether deteriorate the stone over time, instead of allowing it to become a beautiful path leading the way.  I love that.  I love the perspective it brings of our lifelong commitment to love God and man.  We just need to walk.  We don't need to pound one another.  Leave the hammer to the one who nailed His son to a cross.  He already took the pounding.  This means we can give ourselves grace to focus not on perfection, just on taking the next step.  The stone paths in our lives won't become smooth by Sunday.  With bonding and attachment in adoption, people often say it's a lifelong process.  But isn't that the case in our own Adoption as sons and daughters of the Most High?  Don't we spend a lifetime bonding with our Father?  A lifetime learning to trust Him?  And again and again He remembers His covenant to us.  Despite our cries for Egypt, clinging to our old foster parents, the shell of this world, He remembers and wins us over with his mercy, grace and lovingkindness. Like the picture of Hosea and his wife in ch. 3 of his book.  Again and again, he walked with her and received her.  He won her over.  Who else do I need to win over with grace?  Do you have any stone pathways in your life, too?  He will do it through us, friend.  Let's just put one foot in front of the other and trust and obey.