3.6.5 and counting...

October 24 marked one year to the day we walked off an airplane with a Thai orphan in tow. A year (!) Many of you have graciously asked...How does it feel? Did it go faster than you expected? How is Caleb adjusting? And to be honest I think I have a dozen different answers...for each question.  And that's just from my perspective.  Everyone walks through the adoption journey at their own pace and in their own way.  So I can't speak entirely for Greg and the kids.  At times that can lead to a somewhat isolating experience when emotions are so intense and processing is happening on so many different levels between five different people. But we keep showing up. We keep loving and waiting and praying and pressing in and now...after a year...I think I can get my head up above water long enough to take a breath and share with you from this changed, stripped, broken, humbled and yet overhwelmingly grateful mama's heart.

So...it's been a Year. (Like with a capital "Y"). I've journaled bits and pieces along the way you can read in previous posts.  But for now, the recap.

I think what I did not realize (you know hindsight is always 20/20) is that during the first half of the year I was enduring a significant amount of shock and trauma in my own heart and mind and then at the same time trying to function as a mother to a non-biological child with radical attachment/bonding issues, sensory issues, dietary issues, emotional/behavioral issues, and much more than a large dose of his own shock and trauma. This doesn't make for a very healthy bonding experience.  I took myself to the beating post everyday with self condemnation and feelings of outright failure.  Part of the shock was the realization of my inability to love an orphan on my own.  I just couldn't do it.  And it totally caught me off guard and made me doubt so much of my heart and life and faith.  I felt a failure before God, the Defender of the orphan and the widow. The One with immeasurable, unchanging, steadfast love.  The God with an always open heart to His children. And me, with a closed, hard, pharoah-like heart.  Hopelessness and desperation set in.  And God let me feel that.  But oh, his grace and mercy. His nearness and strength and provision in the most unexpected of ways. A Word of Truth here, a text message from a friend there, a prayer, a song, a smile from my adopted son, laughter and snuggles from my two biological children, respite, a date night, a brisk walk, a coffee shop...And now I look back and with tears I can say "My God, You carried me." Like David, I can honestly say, "Thus far the LORD has brought me." And He will bring me still.

Swirling emotions of guilt and shame led me to the cross.  I began to understand the gospel...to swallow it whole for the first time.  Oh, I could have engaged in conversations with you about the gospel, the good news of Jesus, on so many levels. But...to experience it like that. Waves of mercy, revelation, wonder and awe...Could this really be true? Is Jesus' righteousness imparted to me so perfect, lasting, unwavering and solid that it's as if I never sinned? Am I really free to come before Him with the horror of my depraved mind and heart and He looks at me and says, "What sin? What anger? What pride? What bitterness and resentment? What selfishness? What lack of love? I paid for that. It's gone."  And that I can bring my brokenness day after day after day...my inability to simply love this orphan (now son) with an open, pure heart despite his rejection.  And He supplies what I need in the moment. And the next moment.  And all the fullness of God is within and around changing this heart and these circumstances and this family. Bless God.

So the Gospel...the sweet, sweet Gospel. May it more and more become the center of all I am and why I live.  The Gospel-centered life. Oh, God, let it be.

Among other lessons learned are the root and pathway to Compassion. True Compassion. That it's first having eyes to see, then a heart moved by a love for God's will and glory in that person's life, then the sheer determination to just move into that life. Whether by prayer or in a physical, tangible way.  This is profound for someone like me not naturally prone to overwhelming feelings of gushy mercy or compassion for every man, woman, World Vision child and animal shelter puppy.  But I've learned that in Christ, I can put on a spirit of compassion. It starts with His perspective and His Spirit and Him making me adequate to minister His grace. Not from me. Again...Bless God.

So "one year" for me didn't exactly bring about a desire for a party with balloons and clowns (ok, well no party ever evokes in me a desire for clowns).  There's been so much gratitude for how far we've come mixed with much discouragement that we weren't where I thought we'd be.  But then I remember...Who exactly is in control here and Who is setting the bar for being "exactly where you're supposed to be"?  God is.  So now I'm learning to Rest.  We've got some scarring from this past year, some of which still needs healing and some of which I hope we carry with us for the rest of our lives as reminders of how to walk with a limp, leaning on Jesus to be all in all.

The beauty of seeing Caleb interacting and seeming more and more a part of our family everyday, hearing new vocabulary spill out of his mouth, having him lean in to give me a kiss for the first time today, seeing his bond with his Daddy and his desire to interact with his siblings, hearing him belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul...ooohhh my soul!", watching him in gymnastics, reading him books, tucking him in at bedtime...this beauty brings soulful praise. Only God can move mountains like that.

As painful and trying as the last year has been, I'd do it all again...and again.  I can say that now.  And I'll tell you why. Because I live with a constant reminder of the love and grace shown to me as one once fatherless and estranged from my Heavenly father. An orphan child brought Home by the sacrifice of the Father's firstborn. He gave His son so I could be adopted into His family, sit at his table and belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul!" and get access into the most intimate parts of His being.  And not only does Caleb remind me of my own adoption, but that God has implanted and is working out His Spirit of adoption in my own heart and life. That every day I'm being changed from glory to glory and growing in True Calvary Love. And that's worth it. He's worth it.

Preach it, Mama!

2 Corinthians 5:11-21

You've heard the term "irreconcilable differences" used as grounds for divorce.  It covers a wide range of reasons for divorce, but basically the married couple is saying, "We just can't see eye to eye.  We are too different. This isn't going to work."  Wikipedia defines it this way, "Any sort of difference between the two parties that either cannot or will not be changed can be considered irreconcilable differences. Some states use the terms irremediable breakdown, irretrievable breakdown, or incompatibility."  Yikes. Irretrievable breakdown sounds like sad hopelessness to me.  And yet...isn't that what humanity is to her Creator God? He had every right in the world when Adam and Eve turned their backs on Him and sin entered their hearts to say "'Irreconcilable differences'". I am the Judge. We're done here."
But what does He do instead? He woos His people, His bride Israel.  He sets about a Great Rescue Plan and He makes covenant and keeps it no matter what.  He knows there are irreconcilable differences in the heart of every human He brings into existence. He knows divorce from His people would be justified.  But...He (God the Father) made Him (Christ the Son) who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Cor 5:21)  Notice the actual impartations going on there.  Jesus became sin. I became righteous.  He made a way for our irreconcilable differences to become reconciled... 

Enemies of the cross...to His beloved in the throneroom. Selah, sister.

The word Reconcile in the greek is "Kattalasso" meaning  1) to change, exchange, as coins for others of equivalent value 1a) to reconcile (those who are at variance) 1b) return to favour with, be reconciled to one 1c) to receive one into favour

You and I have been reconciled to God through the work of Christ Jesus on the cross.  God is not counting our trespasses against us. (2 Cor 5:18-19) They're gone because Jesus became them on the cross and got rid of them.  So we are brought near! Our account with God is clear because He looks at you and He looks at me and He sees the righteous purity of His Son in us.  Picture a big red stamp on the ledger of all the thoughts, words, actions, motivations that you ever have done, will ever do (or are doing right now) against God that says "RECONCILED".  Holy smokes, girls!  This is freedom!  This is freedom because we no longer have to try to blame others for our sin, or try hard to make God love us and accept us even though we still sin, or get all gussied up before we come to Him, or try to gain acceptance or prove ourselves to this world and hide our weaknesses.  The truth - His Truth - sets us free. Praise the Living God.

Now why spend so much time preaching this again and again?  Because if we do not understand, know and believe our reconciliation to God in Christ, then we can not minister the word of reconciliation to this world, namely our children (since our motherhood is the emphasis of these 2 Cor blog entries.)  Paul David Tripp recently spoke at a conference I attended and He said you are always preaching something to yourself. What is it? Is it the Gospel? Are we preaching reconciliation to our souls and praying for the faith to believe and then walk in it?  

Our kids and this world are crying out to hear bells ringing for freedom.  And we have been granted by God's divine sovereign grace this ministry of reconciliation which is exactly that. We preach Christ crucified!  We beg and urge, as appointed ambassadors, to make an appeal for Christ and His work.  We are the extension of His ministry here on earth. Look at this cool definition of ambassador coming straight from the literal greek...

Ambassador: an official envoy; especially : a diplomatic agent of the highest rank accredited to a foreign government or sovereign as the resident representative of his or her own government or sovereign or appointed for a special and often temporary diplomatic assignment

What are you preaching to yourself? Is is condemnation? The Law? The world's not-so-good-news message? Because as sure as "at the overflow of the heart the mouth will speak" that is the very thing we will be preaching to our little ones.  

Preach reconciliation to your hearts everyday.  Sing of your freedom as you make an appeal for the One who bought it for you.  Sing of your Reconciled Differences and that your Husband has not and will not ever divorce you.  He has won us over.  

Beg. Urge. Make an appeal with your life and lips...for God Most High Himself has committed to you this blessed ministry of reconciliation.

It's just really not supposed to be this way...

Read 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

We groan. We sigh. We wait for something more. Something to change. We look at our families, the sin nature of our kids, of ourselves, we trudge through this hard work of mothering one muddy step and a time and we think, "Is it really supposed to be like this? Isn't there something more?" And in the eternal "Yes" of God - in Christ Jesus - the answer comes into focus and rings loud and clear.  Yes. There is more. SO much more. In this next section (2 Cor 5:1-10)  Paul is actually continuing on with reasons why we "do not lose heart" that he began to encourage us with in chapter 4.

"For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave us the Spirit as a pledge. Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord - for we walk by faith, not by sight - we are of good courage..." 2 Cor 5:4-5

Heavenly perspective.  I pray for this a lot.  That God would open my eyes to the unseen (4:18) and that I might live in light of the greater reality of what is not now and what is to come.  Don't you groan, too, kindred mama? I feel my earthly tent (my human body) worn down.  And not just because I'm not doing Jillian Michaels like I should be :)  We can't deny the mortality.  A pregnancy, an infant, a toddler will most certainly make you feel it.  This fallen world takes its toll on our physical bodies for sure.  But our gracious God doesn't just leave us hanging out to dry.  He reminds us daily of our intended purpose to be clothed, alive, with Him "Corum Deo" (face to face), fully transformed, fully redeemed - mind, body and spirit - complete in Him.  He reminds us by the inner working of the Holy Spirit's presence in our hearts and we cling to that promise like a Bride to an engagement ring. Though our outer man is wasting away, our inner man is being renewed day by day...renewed in hope that strengthens the bones to hang on, press forward, show up and not lose heart because what we see really isn't all that is.  So if this is our purpose, if eternity is one of the rock solid reasons why we do not lose heart, then this is where our focus should be.  You see, for Paul, "Heaven was not simply a destination, it was a motivation." (Wiersbe, Warren; Bible Exposition Commentary, 1989)

And this motivation can be yours and mine as well.  You know, I read this and I hear the whisper, "Shawna, what is your ambition? What's propelling you through the days, months and years of this Motherhood Call?" Is it successful, well-trained children who grow up to become "Citizen of the Year?"  Or better yet, is it that my children grow up to love God with all their hearts and in our home we have harmonious relationships and joy?  Is it a clean, orderly home? Is it a healed heart in my adopted son? Is it that my kids fill their marble jars with good works and kind words?  Are all these my ambitions in life? Answer: Yes. Sure. But those should all fall under the over arching Greatest Ambition to simply live to want to please Jesus, my Lord. Why? Because...I love Him. And He loves me. And He's really just that worthy of it all. Pleasing Him is our one ambition. It's in the driver's seat and steering the packed mini van of "life ministry".

We're going to stand in front of Him one day as sure as the sun rises and sets.  And the search lights of His Kingly glory will shine bright into our hearts revealing the motivations behind our deeds. Standing before the Lamb.  Revealed.  People get ready.  Live and minister in such a way knowing that your life is an open book before Him.  There won't be any surprises to Him...He knows everything already. But Oh...that Day! When all will be seen.  We don't approach that Day with dread. 2 Cor 5:21 says that we have become the very righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.  Our souls have become the very Holy of Holies.  "No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me".  But! You better believe I look ahead to that Day with a serious truckload of reverent fear and trembling. And even moreso, with a driving motivation that on that Day my Savior and King Jesus will smile and be pleased with me and how I have handled all that He has entrusted to me in this fleeting moment of a lifetime.  Kids, Spouse, House, Work, Community, Family, etc... All under the one great ambition to please Him now and for eternity.

Kindred Sister, may our groanings tune us in to what lies ahead. Great and glorious promises fulfilled!!

And may we read this text and ask: What's driving our mothering? What are we investing in? What are our goals? Do they all fall under the one simple ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him?

"Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Jesus, Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You"

Therefore We Do Not Lose Heart

Read 2 Corinthians 4 before you read below...

Lord Jesus,
You are Lord of my heart, soul, mind, strength, past, present and future...

You have called and appointed me this ministry of motherhood and discipleship. This ministry of grace in the Spirit.  And THEREFORE, since you have granted it to me, since I have received mercy, I look to you and say, "I will not lose heart". But I do. I do lose heart, Jesus.  This is a messy war for souls! And the enemy doesn't fight fair. And I know I have this treasure in me, a jar of clay, so that the supassing greatness of the power revealed will be clearly from You and not from myself...but oh, I feel so afflicted in every way at times. Pushed to the very edge where it's hard to say I'm not crushed or despairing, forsaken or destroyed.  But then I think back on the past several months and even years of this motherhood journey and I'm more struck by the way you have carried me and poured your mercy over me and gently shepherded me while I attempted to shepherd my entrusted teeny flock...And I stop, Lord...I am still. And I realize You truly are the Source. Even when I daily (hourly) fail and don't seem to be living out this ministry very well...You have been there. You are here.  Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for using this broken vessel.  Thank you for any ounce of glory that is displayed as I walk this road.

Oh God! How I long to preach not myself or the message of my flesh to my kids but rather Christ Jesus as Lord and myself as nothing more than a grateful bond-servant.  Oh! May it be true that I breathe and manifest both the dying and living of my Lord. So that death may work in me, but Life in the heart of my children!  But, solid faith precedes the act.  I must believe this is possible and this is true.  Father, help me know and believe that in the same way you raised Jesus from the dead, You will also raise me up with Him. Help me hang on tight to the promise that there is Hope, Life and Glory on the other side of this cross.

And what is this all about, Lord? Why am I striving to die and live and serve and minister and show up and pray and trust?  Because you say that all these things are for the sake of those that are veiled...so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.  Yes. Yes!! The goal and focus is not on me. It's on You! How liberating and true and right.  You are the almighty, sovereign, omnipotent, gracious and merciful, faithful, infinite God deserving of all praise, glory and thanks.  This is why I exist.  To point to you.  Is the question then, "Do I love you and love your glory enough to die?"  Will I lay down my life for You?  You ask, "Shawna, do you love me?  Then tend my lambs. Feed my sheep".  It's because of my love for you.  Oh God! Refine me!  Help this heart! And you ARE!! You are renewing me day by day!!  You are giving me what I need. You are changing me from glory to glory.  You have made me adequate for this - for your name sake and for my great joy in You. Hallelujah.

So as I take one step in front of the other. One more kind word when only ugly ones are below the surface. One more load of laundry with a cheerful heart.  One more sippy cup full and one more mess cleaned up without a lecture or condemning glance.  One more choosing to point the finger at myself and not at another.  It's like a penny in a jar.  "For momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison..."  Clink. Clink. Clink. Penny after penny of light, momentary afflictions, that build up into a weighty mason jar of eternal glory.  Lord, help me see the unseen.  Help me remember why I do not lose heart.  When I am done and undone, I am not crushed or despairing.  Why? Simply because...You are I AM. You are in the midst. You are supplying every need.  You are the treasure in this earthen vessel.  Jesus, it's You.

I'm Raising My White Flag

*sigh* A moment to breathe in the midst of doors slamming, kids in and out, giant messes from train track and block cities, messes from basement-sized forts, breakfasts, snacks, lunches, snacks, more snacks, what's for dinner?, housework, the potty, children trying to always one up the other, unfairness, discipline...and then trying to discipline in grace and wisdom, carpooling, laundry, monitoring screen time, remembering Bible time, chore time, reading time, individual child time, emails, phone calls, doctor appointments, setting up childcare and finding a sitter (why is this so hard every time?), keeping up with loved ones, fixing broken toys, watering the garden and all those flowers I planted that are singing "oh, oh, oh, oh stayin' alive" because I don't water them enough, groceries, library books and media (I think I alone support our local branch with my ongoing late fees)...did I forget something? Oh, yes, caring for and supporting my husband, taking a meal to the family with the new baby and the family just getting out of the hospital, that thank-you card to the sweet soul who blessed us, setting dates for those friends to come over and share a meal and an evening, oh, and the rejection of my three year old adopted son facing me day in and day out and all the gumption and grace it requires to simply keep showing up and staying open...........and I'm leaving out a hundred things or more.....and sometimes I whisper and sometimes I cry out "I can't do it. I CAN'T DO THIS!"  And I'm right. I can't.  I can't do this whole ministry of raising kids and managing a home with Kingdom perspective and purpose.  It's overwhelming, exhausting and daily brings me to the end of myself (often by 8:00am).  And so I ask with Paul, "And who is adequate for these things?" (2:16)  For this daily laying down of physical, mental, and emotional being for the sake of God's glory and those I serve? The answer: Not me. Not you. Not anybody.

But God...

Oh, the blessed "But" (with only one "t" :)!  But GOD...He has made me (and you, Sister in Christ) adequate.
In what? For what?

"We are not adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit, for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (3:5-6)

I have been made adequate to be a servant of the new covenant, a minister of the Spirit in my home. It's done!  It was sealed at the cross and now in my heart by the power of the blood and the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I am adequate in Christ alone...

Notice it does not say I was made adequate or given power for the ministry of the law, death or condemnation.  When I mother out of a pharisaical sense of wanting to control things or holding my kids' noses to the letter of the law without grace in the home...there is no adequacy or power for that.  When I'm demanding, grace-less, and self-righteous I'm powerless and it will run me ragged and hang me out to dry.
But what about the ministry of the Spirit and righteousness flowing from the new covenant of grace?  Ah...yes.  For that we are made adequate.  For that there is an endless supply of power to be a servant of the new covenant in my home.  So if this is my focus and my pursuit, then adequacy abounds. There is a never ending well of water, buckets overflowing at every draw.  But I must dip my bucket into the well of grace to be able to minister and pour out grace.  I must trust that there is water in that well and dip my bucket suredly and often.

Because truth be told, this ministery of motherhood comes with 365 white flags, one for every day of the year.  I stumble, fall, screw up, backslide, hide and more oft than not raise the white flag in surrender.  But we have hope and move through our day in boldness knowing that the All Sufficient One will most assuredly show up and fill the cup. And when we mother in the Spirit, we are declared adequate and we have enough to carry out the call.

And I have to remember, too, who I'm ministering to.  Our little ones, until they have turned to the Lord are veiled. (vs.16)  But we keep reading Moses! (vv 14-15) We keep being that servant of the new covenant, bound by grace, living by grace, proclaiming grace...and they'll see the glory (vv. 7-11).  God will lift that veil, they'll turn to Christ, be filled with the Spirit and they'll taste the liberty we've been living! Oh! How I pray and set my face like flint for that day.

God loves the white flag in our lives.  It means we've set aside the ministry of condemnation and we're ready to take up the ministry of the Spirit.  It shows off His great glory and I stand amazed that God might use someone like me to proclaim the beauty, power and grace of His Kingdom to this world.

Forgive, forget, be fragrant

2 Corinthians 2:5-17

So this week's a little personal.  I've both seen and felt it in my marriage and mothering this past month like a splinter in your finger that you just need to get out.  Unforgivess can kill a soul.  I'm sure you've witnessed it or experienced it too...it eats away at a life until there's nothing left but a shell of a human being.  Irrational. Blinded and unable to see anything because their entire field of vision is like a mirror reflecting themselves. Motivated by self-defense, self-justification, self-exaltation, self-appeasement, self-preservation...it's a slow, slow death that leaves a trail of carnage behind.  All because of unforgiveness?!  Whoa, y'all...that's serious.

It's easy to apply lessons of forgiveness to our marriages because it seems we get to practice it with every hourly gong of the clock (at least I do!)  But my kids?  I don't really think about living in forgiveness with my kids as much.  And yet Paul here is talking about forgiveness amongst the Corinthian church and forgiveness in his own heart towards members of the church. Important enough to fill most of the second chapter.  Jesus includes in the Sermon on the Mount and makes it a primary lesson for his disciples more than once.  I've heard someone say you're never more Christlike than when you forgive.  Jesus...teaching forgiveness by modeling forgiveness.  And so must I with my own little disciples.
Here are some thoughts on the passage...
Verse 5 - my kids can cause me some sorrow, ladies.  Last night I up and left storytime during the last chapter of The Boxcar Children because I was overcome with both frustration and sorrow that they couldn't stop fighting over who was sitting in the most comfy spot.  My goodness....sorrow in this mama's heart!! Yet these Truth Words rolled through my mind...Verses 6-11...I went back in. We didn't finish Boxcar last night, but I held them, comforted them, prayed with them, was real with them about my own need for grace. I forgave them. They went to sleep comforted and at peace.  We moved on and we'll read Boxcar this morning. I didn't handle everything all that well either - I need forgiveness, too.  But these points below were helpful stepping stones.
1) Is the discipline/punishment sufficient?  Then that's enough.  Don't let it go on and on in the name of "Teaching them a lesson" (I might tend toward a bit of drama in these situations...and that's probably not what this text is allowing here) We are careful that they not become overwhelmed by excessive sorrow under crushing discipline or an unforgiving Mommy's spirit.  Paul is talking about adults here, but even moreso we must remember the tender hearts of the little sheep entrusted to us as their "under shepherds" to the Great Shepherd.
2) When the discipline ends, forgiveness and comfort move in.  Here's the challenge for me.  When my kids have caused my heart sorrow, I must totally forgive with an open heart and not carry it with me or against them throughout the day. I must take practical, real steps to both speak and show forgiveness and comfort and reaffirm my love for them (vs 8). What might this look like?  Words..."I forgive you. I love you. Mommy needs grace, too". Actions...a hug or maybe some kind of act of serving them to show them how special they are.  The Word & prayer...bringing it back to scripture and reaffirming God's love for them as well as my own. Gratitude...speak thanks out loud.  Count the blessings. Restore the joy.
3) Leave no room for Satan.  He is not welcome in this house.  And I best not leave the door open for him to squeeze his slimy self or unwanted helpers in through the crack.  Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness give Satan an advantage. (vs 11 & Eph 4:26-27) Forgiveness is the "Keep Out - Beware Pit Bull!" sign and the lock on the door.
4) Vs 12-13 - Paul's graciously explaining himself to the Corinthians.  We don't have to explain ourselves, but sometimes it just helps with the kiddos.  Paul just uses two verses.  Taking time for a simple explanation can speak volumes.

Now a splinter deep in the finger (Unforgiveness) throbs with pain.  And getting it out (Forgiveness) isn't painless either.  Sometimes we'd rather it just stay in there because we know what taking it out entails.  My poor little guy got a splinter in his wrist a couple summers ago and we actually had to take him to an orthopedic hand surgeon and undergo full blown surgery to get it out! Some unforgiveness requires an operating table. But there is hope in the death of self. There is hope for my unforgiving heart.  Verses 14-17...God is leading us in a processional, with Christ as the Victor.  We follow behind as His captives - free and fragrant.  We are surrendered to the Victor and parading the streets behind him with the sweet smell of our lives of forgiveness and self-sacrifice in the name of Christ wafting upward and outward.  Think of the sacrificial altar in the Old Testament.  Smoke from the burnt offerings rising up to the heavens.  Think of a victory parade in ancient Rome...We follow Christ!  The Victor!! The fragrance is from our death - but how sweet it is to God the Father and those who are being saved...our kids.  The World may sniff and say "That's what forgiveness smells like? no thanks."  But we forgive, forget, love open, love hard, love real and keep on being fragrant.  Thanks be to God!

So I'm walking step by step this week.  Asking the Spirit to check my forgiveness-meter.  Praying I have the strength, power and grace in Christ to forgive my kids wholeheartedly and continually. Remembering my Lord forgiving his murderers while hung on a cross.  Praying I forgive myself.  Praying I live in the forgiveness of Christ my King.  One of my favorite teachings of Jesus on forgiveness is in Luke 7:36-50.  Check it out :)

My son is a Tobymac fan.  Every now and then I get to sing along to this song in the background:

Forgiveness: Tobymac and Lecrae

'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we all stepped across that line
But nothing's sweeter than the day we find
We find... 

It's hanging over him like the clouds of Seattle
And raining on his swag, falling deeper in the saddle
It's written on his face, he don't have to speak a sound
Somebody call the 5-0, we've got a man down

Now you can go and play it like your all rock 'n' roll
And guilt does a job on each and every man's soul
And when your head hits the pillow with the night fall
You can bet your life that it's gonna be a fight y'all

'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we've all stepped across that line
But nothing's sweeter than the day we find
Forgiveness, forgiveness

And we all stumble and we fall
Bridges burn in the heat of it all
But nothing's sweeter than the day we call
We call

Out for forgiveness
We all need, we all need
We all need forgiveness
We all need, we all need

Mister Lecrae

My mama told me what I would be in for
If I keep all this anger inside me pint up
My heart's been broken, my wounds been open
And I don't know if I can hear "I'm sorry" been spoken
But those forgiving much should be quicker to give it
And God forgave me for it all, Jesus bleed forgiveness
So when the stones fly and they aimed at you
Just say "forgive 'em Father, they know not what they do"

Now you can go and play it like your all rock 'n' roll
And guilt does a job on each and every man's soul
And when your head hits the pillow with the night fall
You can bet your life that it's gonna be a fight y'all

'Cause we all make mistakes sometimes
And we've all stepped across that line
But nothing's sweeter than the day we find
Forgiveness, forgiveness

And we all step on it and fall
Bridges burn in the heat it all
But nothing's sweeter than the day 
Sweeter than the day we call

Out for forgiveness
You know we need that that that
You know we need that that that
You know we need that that that

No matter how lost you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)
No matter how hurt you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)
And no matter how wrong you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)
And no matter who you are
You're not that far, you're not too far (from forgiveness)

Ask for forgiveness

"But you said...!"

**A brief note and apology on the extended hiatus from this blalk...Ah! I'm beating myself up for being one of those who says they're going to do something and then doesn't follow through - VERY IRONIC in view of this post I wrote weeks ago - and then never posted.  Looks like I have a long way to go, sistas...a looong way to go.  Oh those "good" intentions... So...after some time with family in TX and a brief study on Colossians, I'm leaning into grace to be able to finish this before the end of summer. If any of you still reading and walking along would like to post your own thoughts on any section of 2 Corinthians, please send it my way!! It can be for my eyes only, or I'd love to post it here to share with many.  My hope is for this to be a communal effort in balking together.  I need me some "sister spurring on" :)

2 Corinthians 1:12-24

I want my mothering to be clear, straightforward, genuine and pure from the heart.  Not muddled by my own untrustworthy earthly wisdom or deceptive fleshly motivations.  I want my kids someday to look back and realize that my words and actions were reflections of God's grace manifest in and through me.(1:12-13) That on the day the Lord Jesus comes back again, they will be proud of me in the same way I am proud of them, full of joyful thanks that we have run the race with all we've got. (1:14)

I want to abide so fully in Jesus that my mothering is pure and always points to the "Yes!" in Jesus.  That even when I waiver...when my kids say "But Mom, you promised!!" - my waivering is not from selfish ambition as the world is so naturally prone.  My waivering is based on the wisdom of Christ and my motivation is rather that I perceive it to be best for our family or the Kingdom at large, even when it may dissapoint or inconvenience us.  For example - in this passage Paul promised to go see the Corinthians twice again. Then he realized that for the sake of their faith and love in Christ, it would be better to only see them once to spare them grief (1:23-2:4).  Then they threw a temper tantrum and began accusing him of being wishy washy and like the world.  His changing his mind was for their benefit and his conscience was clear in Christ.  He knew that their temporary disappointment would work to their eternal gain.

So as I consider my mothering in this passage, two things jump out. One, I want to be as clear and straightforward with my kids as is wise in the moment according to God's grace at work in me.  If I promise something, I want to be the sort of mom who delivers. On the big stuff and the little stuff.  And not only in promising blessing, but also in carrying through with boundaries and discipline.  Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no", "no". Just like Jesus (Matt 5:37)  I want them to begin to really see a clear distinctive between our home and this world. We reflect our King.

In the same vein, when I do waiver for whatever reason, it's such a great teaching opportunity to point my kids to Jesus and say, "But look! This world may change and people can't make guarantees they can always keep - But God's promises are ALWAYS "yes" because Jesus is certain and for real."  You can trust Him to always, always come through. Paul pointed the Corinthians to Christ!  Christ the eternal "Yes!" in God.  The one affirmed by God as the yes of every promise in the Old and New Testaments. An all His promises for His children are good. We repond to Him and take hold of the "Yesses" by believing in Him.  "The Spirit brings God's promises home to us, makes them alive to us, and empowers us to obey them." (*Stedman, 279)

Amen! And Amen! :)

shawna