A "Blalk" through 2nd Corinthians anyone??

It's kind of a mix between blog and walk :)  In these past couple months of cyber silence, my Heavenly Father has been downloading His restorative, solid rock truth to me via Paul's second letter to the Corinthians 2000 years ago.  It always strikes me how something written in another time, in another language, to another culture can bear such significance to me in my day in day out living...that's the power of the living Word...and  I suppose shows the uniformity of humanity regardless of race, sex or status.  We all need God.
Anyway...I'd never read 2 Corinithians in light of mothering.  It's a book on the relationship between suffering and the power of the Spirit in Paul's apostolic life, minitry and message. (ESV intro to 2 Cor)
But as I've considered the high call of motherhood, its demands and its purpose, God by His Spirit has been bringing His life and hope into these hard-knock-life days as I've studied the chapters of this letter.  So I had the idea to blog my way through 2 Corinthians with the idea that maybe some other mamas out there would want to join in and "blalk" along with me (it that cheesy? I've been known once or twice to be cheesy...but seriously...what's the world without a little swiss and cheddar every now and then?)  I would LOVE to hear comments, insights and mutual encouragement so this is more of a community "thang" than a Shawna "thang".

And so we dive in...2 Corinthians chapter 1 verses 1-2...

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, To the church of God that is at Corinth, with all the saints who are in the whole of Achaia:  Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."

I was tempted just to skip on to the meaty part since Paul starts all his letters like this.  But every iota of God's written Word carries weight and is included for His divine purposes.  And as I took the time to observe and meditate these verses some profound truths emerged that have imprinted my motherhood.

1)  Paul begins by stating who he is.  He is an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God.  Paul was apostolos "one who is sent" with the specific call to represent Jesus Christ to the gentiles and God the Father is the One who ordained and called him to this apostleship.  Now Paul's apostleship was unique in that others in the church did not share this title.  Notice it says Timothy our brother.  Timothy wasn't an "apostle" but he was no less "sent" according to Matthew 28:19 than Peter or Paul or you or I.  So I am not equating myself with Paul's unique title of "apostle", however I am going to apply the universal principle that God the Father himself wills us to follow and thus represent Christ Jesus.  We are the sent ones.  And so as Paul begins his letters this way, I have started the practice of beginning my days this way.  Remembering who I am and whose I am.  While eyes still half closed and groping the cupboards for my coffee cup, I am choosing to bow my heart and proclaim who I am and whose I am "Shawna, 'daughter of the King, saint, disciple & bondservant' by the will of God."  And then declare who/what I have been called unto: "Shawna, 'sent one' called to be a my husband's greatest supporter and unto motherhood this day by the will of God."  As Paul was sent to the gentiles, my mission field is my home.  And while it's not my only mission field, it's my primary one.  I have been called and appointed here. Who are you or whose are you today? Where are you called?

"He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it" 1 Thess 5:24

2) "By the will of God."  God Himself has pre-ordained, called and sent me out (or "in", as there are some days I never leave these walls).  This truth of God's sovereign call and rule brings me such peace and helps me exhale when tension rages in the home.  It is pre-planned.  Before time God chose my three to be discipled and mothered by me.  This becomes especially poignant in the attachment/bonding struggles I am facing with our adopted son.  He has willed it.  Before time God knew He would place the calling of motherhood on me.  I truly believe all women are called to mother as it is part of God's inherent divine design beginning with Eve.  Some of us are called to mother children in the home. Some in other ways.  Nevertheless, whatever the circumstance, it has been willed unto you, unto me, dear sister, by God the Father.  And while at times it may feel more like a prison sentence than an esteemed position, He never wills or calls us to anything that He will not work out in and through us to the praise of His glory.
Oh! I have come to love the sovereignty of my God.  And look at verse 2!  Grace and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ be unto you and me.  Grace upon grace as we live out our call.

"In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory." Eph 1:11-12

So let's' choose when we arise to bow our hearts and minds before the throne of God Most High.  Declare to Him and to your wandering heart who He is and whose you are today.  Just as Paul begins his letters as if to say "Ok, just so we're all on the same page here - this is who I am, whose I am, and what I'm called to in Christ.", let us set things straight when morning dawns.  Oh blessed mother, remember with me there is a specific high calling on our lives and He has willed it.  Let that set the course for your day ahead wherever He may lead.

grace and peace, sister :)

shawna

A few months later...and still moving on

Well it's been over two (strike that...three?!) months since the last post (yikes!)...I have a few saved in my drafts, but they never made it public.  It's been quite a road.  I have so much to process but it seems never enough strength left over to hack it out on the keyboard.   And where to start?  I guess just start somewhere.  I'd love to update everyone on the past days and weeks, but it makes me tired and it seems so complicated to explain.  I'd love to finish a 2012 family letter, but alas, I'm neck deep in 2013 and that seems like so long ago.  So...that's where we are.  We've spent some time with an adoption family counselor after seeing significant attachment/bonding issues rise and have left with a sense of sobriety and yet...hope. *sigh*, "Praise God."  We've been in what Greg calls "full court press" with Caleb.  The main focus is on his attachment with his mama...me.  Which takes all those things I wrote in previous posts about open heartedness, true Calvary love, laying down a life - and fleshes them out minute by minute as I trust that this truly is the pathway to healing and restoration.  That kindness leads to repentance.  The deal with full court press, though, is that a team never plays that way all game.  It's too pressing.  So it is requiring more perspective, more truth, more grace, more strength from Heaven day in and day out.  Which means I must keep my heart still enough to hear and receive.  I must call out for help. And I must keep going, trusting that a sovereign God has charted this course and equipped and enabled me all I need for this ministry of reconciliation (see 2 Cor 4&5).

In this (and through some good ole fashioned therapy) I have also realized that this has been traumatic for me as well.  So many emotions that seem so overpowering at times are manifestions of what is going on in me at a deeper level.  Fight or flight is so true.  So I'm learning to give myself a little grace.  I'm learning that Caleb and I are actually working through things together.  We're grieving over different things and in our own ways, but the common ground is that we're both grieving and "dealing".  And while Caleb reacts at a two year old level, I have the choice and freedom and help in the Spirit to place my emotions into the Hands of One strong enough to take them and then breathe unspeakable Peace over my whole being.  I'm learning to let go in the moment and not hold myself or this family up to unrealistic expectations...and oh! - those "Expectations"!  Sheesh.

So that's kind of where we are...celebrating HUGE over the littlest victory (like a hug or a kiss or simply eye contact) and tasting and choosing to believe those little morsels are just appetizers for a bigger feast ahead :) We have hope because God is on His throne. And He's just really, really, really that good. More "Good" than we could ever imagine.  And He's an amazing Shepherd familiar with the terrain and knows how to call and guide his little sheep that walk with a limp.  We are blessed beyond measure and know that God is in our midst.

So many of you have continued praying for us and we know God has heard from heaven and mercifully moved on our behalf. Thank you and bless God....we covet continued prayer for healing for Caleb, for strength in the Spirit for me, for unity in our marriage (after 6 months of experiencing this whole thing totally differently, it takes added effort, humility, sensitivity, GRACE and teamwork to stay connected and stay the course together).

Like that woman in Proverbs ch 31 that encapsulates a life of true wisdom by smiling at the future...I am praying to surrender fears to Love, pick up that cross and live in a way that says I know and believe that the "I Am" is the "I AM".  I welcome any other limping sheep to join me along the way...

Grace and Peace, beloved! :)

Compassion at Christmas

My son reads a book series called "Magic Treehouse" by Mary Pope Osborne and she always titles her books something like "Dolphins at Daybreak" or "Afternoon on the Amazon".  If I had to title this chapter of my life in that vein it would read "Compassion at Christmas".  As in...it's on my wish list.  Reading through the book of Matthew I've been reminded again how compassion was this primary visceral response for Jesus.  Over and over...He felt compassion, was moved by compassion, filled with compassion, deeply moved...His very first sermon, the infamous "Beatitudes" is all about compassion.  Every angle from which you view the Christian life, it's there.  Compassion.  Mercy.  Pity.  Sympathy.  Loyalty.  Kindness.  All these words find themselves linked in the ancient Hebrew or Greek.  Literally "splagchnizomai," (God bless you!) the greek for "compassion" means to be moved as to one's bowels (thought to be the seat of love and pity).  You feel it.  And not only do you feel it, but you want to do something about it.  

Webster's says this: COMPASSION, 1. A suffering with another; painful sympathy; a sensation of sorrow excited by the distress or misfortunes of another; pity; commiseration. Compassion is a mixed passion, compounded of love and sorrow; at least some portion of love generally attends the pain or regret, or is excited by it. Extreme distress of an enemy even changes enmity into at least temporary affection.  He being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity. Psa 78. His father had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. Luke 15.

OK, kinda wordy, I'll agree...but the main point I think is that you are attaching yourself to another's grief or suffering by feeling it with them and wanting to help alleviate their pain.  Jesus' felt compassion was always followed by action in Matthew.  He was deeply moved then he welcomed and healed.  Even when it was inconvenient.  Even when he was dog tired or trying to get alone to grieve the execution of his beloved cousin John.  When I'm thirsty, I drink.  When I'm hungry, I eat.  When I'm tired, I sleep.  When Jesus feels compassion, He acts.  And to think we are always objects of His love and mercy!  He is always on the move in my life and in yours.  But the people had to come to Him and cry out, ask, seek and knock.  And what they got was so much mercy from God's Servant they were bewildered and praised God in wonderment.  And next time they brought their friends along to get some of that kind of mercy, too.

I've been conducting a little survey for compassion in my own gut and I think more than ever with the adoption of our son, I have seen my desperate lack of it.  I've become keenly aware of how apathetic I can be towards another's plight.  Instead of feeling it with them, I find I'm quicker to justify their suffering as mere consequence for their own poor choice.  Or I find myself so wrapped up in my own messy journey that I don't take the time to get outside myself to think or feel for another.   I find for years I used the "spiritual gift" excuse to lay the responsibility to feel compassion and act on it on those with that special "gift of mercy".  "Yeah, wellll...I'm more of the teacher type...sooooo....".  But how far this is from the core message of the Story.  The God of compassion and mercy wants to infuse Himself into our being.  That we might partner with Him in being moved for the whole broken, lost, hurting, shepherdless, fatherless, hopeless, loveless ball of humanity.

In reading Matthew I noticed that first Jesus "saw" the crowds.  He perceived with His eyes.  He was looking.  Are we going out into the streets, alleys, offices, shopping malls, schools, cul-de-sacs, looking? He saw.  Then He was moved to compassion.  This is the part that gets me.  I simply know that this kind of gut feeling will have to be granted by the Father of Mercy.  I will ask for it in faith.  I know He will in time change me to feel His heart for this world.  And not just for the samaritan.  It will start in my home and with my family and friends knit into the daily fabric of my life.  I want His heartbeat.  I want to see past the chaos of the moment in our home...to almost freeze-frame time and see what He sees with His eyes.  And then, I want to act - with His hands, feet, words, thoughts, prayers.  Or maybe it means taking the God-like stance of Psalm 78:38 "Yet he is compassionate. He forgives sin and does not destroy. He often holds back his anger, and does not stir up his fury."  This is compassion and mercy, too.  Or maybe it's speaking gently to a child, or genuinely feeling with my spouse the things that are swirling around in his heart and head.  Compassion is God's heartbeat at the very center.  From Genesis to Revelation...mercy.  So that's what I'm asking for this Christmas and New Year.  I want to see, feel and act like Jesus.  Big prayer.  Baby steps.  But again...it's His kindness that leads us to repentance.  If we're going to point a world to a Savior, we might want to start reacting in the same visceral way that moved him 2000 years ago, led him to a cross and continues to move Him still.  Come Lord Jesus, have Your Way in us.

Pathways

It's funny the revelations that come in the laundry room.  Maybe it's the whoosh of the washer and hum of the dryer that drown out other thoughts.  Maybe it's the monotony of sorting and folding - I don't know...but sometimes I feel like the Light just flicks on and I See something new and afresh.  Like the smell of my son's clean socks that were repulsive only one hour before :)  I have been found dropped to my knees in a pile of clothes either begging for grace to make it through the day or just plain full of thanks and praise for the joy of His revelation in that laundry sanctuary.

So...the most recent "aha" was when Caleb was playing next to me and I thought "I wonder at what point he will come to me or choose me over the memory of his former foster mother?  I mean, if the two of us were standing side by side, at what point would he choose me, his real mother, over his foster one?"  I didn't get any kind of revelation on when that might be - rather - it doesn't matter when as much as it matters how.  I remembered how Israel longed for Egypt after being delivered by their Covenant-Remembering God.  He heard their cries. He did not forget!  And yet, the people longed for the "comforts" of Egypt when the going got tough in the desert.   Or I thought of how so often I choose things of this world to satisfy my deep longings when the God of steadfast love and mercy offers the abundance of all His beautiful Self.  And then I thought of how this world never won me over with grace, love, mercy or anything else.  It's been an empty shell of a thing.  Disappointing every time.  But my God...my God has pursued me and won me over by His kindness, which led (and leads me still) to repentance, surrender and determined faith.  So I must let His Spirit in me do the same with Caleb.  I must win him over with grace and unconditional love.  I must pursue him, remain open to him, be a constant in his little life.  I must prove my steadfast love for him day after day after day.  My brilliant, wise and incredibly gracious sister-in-law Chrissy gave me this analogy when I told her how difficult it was that Caleb was just so emotionally stone cold towards me. She said it reminded her of a stone path worn away by years and years of treading upon by travelers.  Over time, the face of the stone changes.  It becomes smooth and strong and eventually reveals the Way.  She added to it by saying you could also use a chisel to change the face of the stone...it would be must quicker.  But it would actually harm the stone, causing cracks, crevices and breaking off pieces that would altogether deteriorate the stone over time, instead of allowing it to become a beautiful path leading the way.  I love that.  I love the perspective it brings of our lifelong commitment to love God and man.  We just need to walk.  We don't need to pound one another.  Leave the hammer to the one who nailed His son to a cross.  He already took the pounding.  This means we can give ourselves grace to focus not on perfection, just on taking the next step.  The stone paths in our lives won't become smooth by Sunday.  With bonding and attachment in adoption, people often say it's a lifelong process.  But isn't that the case in our own Adoption as sons and daughters of the Most High?  Don't we spend a lifetime bonding with our Father?  A lifetime learning to trust Him?  And again and again He remembers His covenant to us.  Despite our cries for Egypt, clinging to our old foster parents, the shell of this world, He remembers and wins us over with his mercy, grace and lovingkindness. Like the picture of Hosea and his wife in ch. 3 of his book.  Again and again, he walked with her and received her.  He won her over.  Who else do I need to win over with grace?  Do you have any stone pathways in your life, too?  He will do it through us, friend.  Let's just put one foot in front of the other and trust and obey.

Objectives

In your suffering, Lord - in thorns, the nails, the blows to your broken body...In the tearing separation from the Father and the Spirit on that dark day.  Even before then, in the laying aside your glory, in the wilderness with no food, in the loneliness, the blisters from walking, the sunburns, the desertion of friends and family, living homeless - in all of your discomfort, pain and sacrifice...did you close your heart towards us as the reason for your suffering? Not once.  Not once did you lay blame on us for your death and see us as objects of scorn or bitterness.  "Father, forgive them..."  Yet, You...You! freely became the object of the Father's wrath of your own choosing and you didn't for a millisecond hold it against us.  Rather you saw the sin, the darkness and the brokenness.  And you viewed us (then and now) as the objects of your compelling love, compassion and even your inheritance and glory!!  And how then do I live?  I have spent a lifetime blaming others for my discomfort...instead of viewing them as objects of love, mercy and compassion.  How often I have closed my heart towards another.  Just emotionally shut down on them, cold as stone.  Sorry, no mercy for you here today.  My soul-eyes see them as the reason for my discomfort, pain, or frustration and they become objects of bitterness, scorn or indifference.  But they are really not to blame, are they?  Have I any right to mark them as objects of anything less than open-hearted-grace-receivers?  As I have been marked by Christ the King?  Oh! To be free to view all men and my God as the objects - the recipients - of the laying down of my life and of acts of compassion and mercy and nothing else. What freedom and sweet release in life when I don this perspective.  Yet often I feel closed off.  I am "done" and "undone" all at the same time.  I don't want to continue to press into that soul.  I don't want a steadfast love that remains always open towards another in forgiveness, grace and compassion.  I'd rather close the gate to my own little kingdom and rule things neatly and comfortably from there, dictating who may or may not enter.  And so I pray...Yahweh, breathe on me and open my soul.  You, the Great Opener of all things Closed.  You opened the heavens and it rained. You opened the sea and made a way.  You opened the rock and water poured forth.  You opened the womb and became incarnate. You opened the eyes of the blind. You opened the grave and swallowed death.  My God...You can open me!

We are the objects of your love, Lord.  You have set your mercy and compassion on us.  Bless God.  All joy is mine!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)." Eph 2:4-5

A Month of Sundays

Thanksgiving marked one month of Caleb in our home and in some ways it seems like the days have flown by, and in other ways, we’ve felt so immersed in this journey, that it’s difficult to even remember the days BC (before caleb).  We continue to “adjust”.  When people ask how we’re doing we usually say, “Well…it’s an adjustment for all of us, but it’s good.”  I feel like I’ve settled into the word “adjustment” like my warm down coat.  Kind of accepting The Adjustment as the new normal.  We’ve pitched a tent in the wilderness for now and are trying to find cool in the Cloud, warmth from the Fire and sustenance from the Daily Bread.  And while we hope for that Day when we’ll look back and say “Remember that first year?”…we also have so many reasons to beat the tambourine and sing together over the little joys we see each and every day. (those pinholes, again)  It takes a trained eye to see them – a supernatural eye, really.  For many of the joys wouldn’t seem all that much of a reason to dance to many – but to us in the desert…they are so much more than a rehearsed thing you might hear around the thanksgiving table.  They are evidence of Immanuel – God With Us – at work in the infinitesimal.  It’s these little miracles – like Caleb running and giving Savannah a hug at Sunday School – that help us begin to see bloom in this desert season.  That’s probably not what most expect to hear…that it’s hard and takes every bit of strength we can muster – but that’s reality.  I’ve written it before, but it’s as true as ever…When we choose to give our life to see another raised up, there is bloodshed.  Redemptive living requires sacrifice.  But not sacrifice without hope or purpose…or even joy.
We have seen tremendous changes and progress since we arrived home with Caleb.  Here are some words to describe this little guy: curious, active, spunky, active, toddler, active, good-natured, active, fun-loving, active, relational, active, strong, active, smart as a whip, active, cute as a button, active :) His new feats include using several new English words and signs, going in the potty all by himself, imitating everything, hauling a large riding car up the steps, breaking Micah’s video game, spilling a large drink in Costco, staying in Sunday school all by himself (!), sleeping better at night, playing football outside with the big boys, figuring out how to climb on the couch to turn the lights on and off, learning exactly what he should get into if he wants to go to time-out, deciding that he does not like veggies, drinking milk (not a fan), dancing to music, his first road-trip to Chicago, and not tearing down the Christmas tree (yet!).  He’s a ball of fun and we honestly can’t imagine our family without him anymore.
We continue to covet your prayers, emails, words of support and shared rejoicing.  Many of you have graciously asked what you can be praying for specifically.  I’d say for Caleb’s heart to continue to heal and for comfort for his deep-seeded fears.  Pray that he and I would form a bond that is as strong as a mother with her natural child.  I believe this is possible, although right now it seems so far away.  He is strongly favoring Greg and Micah and remaining emotionally distant from Savannah and myself.  This is normal and expected, but at times feels like stinging salt in a wound when I endure it day after day.  I have written some other posts on my own personal journey in this.  Also, please continue to pray for wisdom in our parenting and unity and humility in our communication.  At times we are both so weary and strung out that the easiest thing is to target each other instead of extending more grace and serving one another in gratitude.  Greg has blown my mind with his consistent and steadfast strength and love in this time.  He has been a rock in our family and led us so well through this season with songs of joy and praise instead of complaint.

For those of you who haven’t met Caleb yet, we so look forward to introducing you (he’d love to give you a ‘high five’ and ‘pound it’)  :)  Thank you again – you are treasured! 

Week two, buckle my shoe

Little Caleb Sua is adapting more and more each day.  A typical two year old boy - he loves the garbage truck, snacks, wrestling, dancing, mischief, the sandbox and his favorite TV show is "This Old House" on PBS.  He won't stay put to watch Curious George, Bob the Builder or even his Thai Chuggington cartoon...but put on the builders of "This Old House" when they're nail gunning a fence together and he's hooked :)
Sleeping...*sigh*...we miss it.  He's finally into a regular nap schedule, which is awesome, but nights are still a struggle.  He's accustomed to a bottle even though his body doesn't really need it and should be able to sleep through, but we're finding he's waking multiple times a night upset, thrashing and frustrated in bed.  He's not too easy to console and we can't give him a bottle every time he wakes up, so it's just really challenging to know what to do in the moment - especially when it's 2am.  And there's the every present complexity of not knowing if this is an adoptive, grief-related issue, or if it's just a two-year old issue.  That's kind of the challenge all day long...we try to err on the side of nurturing and assuming it's adoptive-related, but then there's also the need to set boundaries and wanting to treat him as a member of the family...whew!  SO, if you have any insights, we're not ashamed to ask for them or take them :)
He absolutely loves his older brother and does this funky wild-man dance when he comes home from school.  It's really cute to watch the two of them wrestle in the playroom.  Micah has so amazingly risen to the Cause and has shown patience and compassion towards Caleb that has been a blessing to behold.  Savannah tries so hard to play with him, but often confuses the lines of sisterhood and mothering :)  She seems to be struggling more with the transition than we had expected as she is now the middle child and no longer the baby, so extra love and attention is needed.  Daddy took her on a princess lunch date to McDonald's the other day and you could almost sense the peace and exhale in her spirit when she returned. It was so sweet.
Caleb is learning new English words every day and understands quite a bit of what we're saying to him.  He can say and sign "shoes" (he is very motivated to go outside), "night night", wave "bye", say "truck" and "scoop", sign "all done" and "more" and some other simple words and gestures.  It's really been fun to teach him and see his little light turn on with a new concept.
We are bonding slowly everyday, but sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.  He loves his daddy and would prefer to be in his arms all day :)  Yesterday I held him in a borrowed ergo carrier for awhile it did wonders for him and me.  We might need to make that part of our daily routine.  It's so sweet to have him close and content and lay his head on my chest.  Again...those little pinholes of light in the dark.  And we rejoice BIG in the little things, giving thanks because we see God in our midst and at work in all of our hearts and minds.
SO...there's week 2 :)  We're all getting over coughs and colds, but that just comes with the "seasonal territory", if you will.  Getting out is easier and we slowly feel able to get back into some kind of routine and actually schedule things on our calendar...Pinhole!
Prayers and words of encouragement from friends and family have been like firm ground under our feet.  We are so, so thankful.  We can't wait for you to meet this little ball of activity and joy God has added to our family.  Grace and Peace, Dear Ones.