The worship team played the first stanzas and I recognized the song. It's was that new trendy one our local radio station had been playing what seemed like every five minutes of the day. Oceans by Hillsong United. But for some reason instead of checking out and just going through the motions, I thought to myself, "Shawna, just open your eyes and try singing these words fresh. Maybe it will be like you've never heard them before. Be teachable." *sigh*...so I got over myself. And there...waiting on the other side was God's Spirit ready to speak. It was like He skillfully took a brush and began painting that song across the canvas of my mind in beautiful vivid wild color. I stood there, eyes closed, watching The Artist at work.
I've been so vulnerable and just...plain...tired...the past few weeks. It's the constant opposition that just wears me down. The quarreling kiddos, the defiant preschooler, all the brokenness from adoption and the constant barking at myself that I just can't seem to get it right. This blessed Chinese student living under our roof and all the unseen battles taking place just in that alone. The headlines that tell of the rumblings and shakings of this dark world and the evil that has infected it. My neighbors that need Jesus. I feel it all and I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I have swallowed Grace and Gospel these past couple years like a babe drinks newborn milk...and I ask, "How does this all flesh out? What are the outward markings of this internal taking?"
Surrounded by a sea of voices all sounding as one, we sing, "You call me out upon the waters; the great unknown where feet may fail...". I see my own frail 5'1" windblown figure. My cheeks are tear-stained but you can't tell because of the drenching of sea spray. I'm battered, blown and tossed by waves of affliction, oppression, opposition, and brokenness...yet still somehow walking on top of it all. Not sinking or even treading water. Walking. And filling up most of the canvas, so much larger and full of life than even I, is the figure of my Shepherd King, the Captain of my soul. He is standing steady, unflinching at the storm, calling out to deeper waters, eyes full of compassion and understanding. His voice is not at all like the voice I hear constant in my head "Shawna, can't you pick up your feet and walk a little faster? Hellooo?! I'm waiting for you to get it together so we can get on with this mission. You should be stronger by now since we've already walked so far. We can't even see the blasted shoreline anymore." ...No. Not at all like that. In fact the Voice that could command those waves of affliction to cease in a moment is completely invitational, patient and kind. "Shawna, Look up at me. I've got this. I'm in control of every tossing wave of this sea. Every water molecule moves at my command. These waters exist for me. And Shawna...I've got you. You exist for me, too. Come on, dear one. Take my hand. Trust me. Put your eyes on me and take them off these waves." His hand is permanently outstretched in this painted vision and He's somehow able to both gaze onward, charting the path ahead while at the same time keeping His eyes locked on me.
I realize that all of these waves of opposition surrounding me are of the deep. They are swelling up from the abyss, the chaos of this world that has been unraveling since the Fall. The sufferings I experience in my own life, while not to be compared to the mother who has lost her daughter to trafficking or a family in Syria that has evacuated their home in the dead of night, these sufferings are nonetheless still of the abyss. They are all of the same derivative. They all have the familiar stench of hell. And we groan and know that things are not as they are supposed to be, but our King reigns over it all. His redemptive work is unstoppable and He is on the move. These waves will be quieted one day once and for all and not one...not one...will rise up again to batter the faithful saints. Until then, we groan together. But we do not lose hope.
With every gush of wind and slamming of the waves I can feel my sea legs gaining strength beneath me. And it is faith that makes a woman strong. Oh I will fall again. I will gasp for breath and reach out my hand for Jesus to save me...probably even before I finish this blog post. But I know He is there. I know He is Lord of the waves and of my soul. Calling me to keep trusting and to just keep walking.
So I ask, "How do I take this portrait of Wind and Waves and Savior and Child and flesh it out into the mundane? How do I live this reality in the middle of the chaos when the afflictions are not just water on imagined canvas, but the actual faces and voices of my own flesh and blood, broken relationships with people I love, real events happening now and the repetitive sins of my own heart?" I picture them rising up against me, raging all around. And when my eyes are not fixed on Jesus and I'm not clinging to His hand, when I'm not listening or His voice...It's then I find I'm instead busying myself with wiping constant water from my face. I'm trying to tell my legs and feet to stand up, or I'm bracing myself for another wave assault. I'm angrily yelling at the waves to be still and quiet down! Just stop! I fight rage with rage. Brokenness with brokenness and it's a futile effort making me all the more weary and worn down to the brink of emotional exhaustion. I do not have within me the power to silence the opposition. But there is One sovereign. And He is here with me in the midst. And at His good pleasure and out of His infinite wisdom He will silence...or not. But either way, He is here with me, loving me, and I have all I need to walk out on the Deep...all of His strength, peace, hope, joy, wisdom, life, faith, grace and love coursing through my veins as I grab hold of His outstretched hand over and over again.
When I take each singular wave and look behind to the thing it represents (a tantrum, a quarrel, misunderstanding, hurtful words, loneliness, loss, wreckage, blatant inhumanity) I picture that in the middle of whatever circumstance I'm in that seems to me overwhelming and oppositional, His hand is outstretched and waiting steady. "Will you look at me and trust me in this moment? I am sovereign over it all, commanding and working through these tossing waves of affliction according to my will...for my glory and for ultimate good. Shawna, will you take my hand?"
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Monday, August 18, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Drawn in
Spring has sprung.
And every day I keep watch as buds unfurl and a new flower blooms, the leaves offer full shade now, the sky screams blue, a chorus of birds wakes me in early morning light and grass hugs the bare toes, the laughter of children echoes across yards and fences, a breeze filled with the fragrance of lilac catches me by surprise and I just have to smile.
And from my list of indoor to-dos I can't wait to step outside! I keep walking to the windows, making sure all are stretched wide open. I find myself gazing at the trees...just sitting and gazing on the back deck getting lost in thought. I find myself drawn to just take it all in...this beauty of the Season. It truly beckons a soul, doesn't it? Like a child, asking over and again to come and play...Won't you come and play with me?
And as I sit down to begin thinking and praying through this next study on John 15...where we will sit and meditate and dance with the Almighty this month of June...I am feeling the same draw and hearing the same call. For we are drawn to beautiful things. We are created for beautiful things. And our God is all things beautiful. And His Word is the window through which we peer into His soul. Glimpses of the One who dwells in unapproachable light and in His throne room filled with colors the eye has never seen.
We're drawn to the beauty of Creation because it's the work of His hands and He is beautiful. We're beckoned to His Word because He has set eternity in our hearts and we long to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to know this Beauty.
When I think of John 15...the last bread and wine with His closest of friends. The last words. The last meaningful glances and embraces before He offers Himself in unabandoned sacrificial love...The beauty of this draws me. The beauty of this Call and Promise of this abiding relationship laid out for all His friends here in these words.
And am I allowing myself to become drawn in?
Do I take the time to notice and reflect upon the beauty of Jesus Christ...the living Word? Do I hear Him beckoning? Calling? Holding out a hand to come and learn the dance of abiding...of me in Him and Him in me. Because it's beautiful. Just. beautiful.
As the Spring turns to Summer and whispers "come and play"... tune the ears of your heart to the call of the Shepherd and your eyes to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord in His Word. Let the pages captivate you with the exquisite beauty of His life and love. Don't stay indoors. Get out...and run free!
One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4
No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day. John 6:44
Shawna
And every day I keep watch as buds unfurl and a new flower blooms, the leaves offer full shade now, the sky screams blue, a chorus of birds wakes me in early morning light and grass hugs the bare toes, the laughter of children echoes across yards and fences, a breeze filled with the fragrance of lilac catches me by surprise and I just have to smile.
And from my list of indoor to-dos I can't wait to step outside! I keep walking to the windows, making sure all are stretched wide open. I find myself gazing at the trees...just sitting and gazing on the back deck getting lost in thought. I find myself drawn to just take it all in...this beauty of the Season. It truly beckons a soul, doesn't it? Like a child, asking over and again to come and play...Won't you come and play with me?
And as I sit down to begin thinking and praying through this next study on John 15...where we will sit and meditate and dance with the Almighty this month of June...I am feeling the same draw and hearing the same call. For we are drawn to beautiful things. We are created for beautiful things. And our God is all things beautiful. And His Word is the window through which we peer into His soul. Glimpses of the One who dwells in unapproachable light and in His throne room filled with colors the eye has never seen.
We're drawn to the beauty of Creation because it's the work of His hands and He is beautiful. We're beckoned to His Word because He has set eternity in our hearts and we long to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to know this Beauty.
When I think of John 15...the last bread and wine with His closest of friends. The last words. The last meaningful glances and embraces before He offers Himself in unabandoned sacrificial love...The beauty of this draws me. The beauty of this Call and Promise of this abiding relationship laid out for all His friends here in these words.
And am I allowing myself to become drawn in?
Do I take the time to notice and reflect upon the beauty of Jesus Christ...the living Word? Do I hear Him beckoning? Calling? Holding out a hand to come and learn the dance of abiding...of me in Him and Him in me. Because it's beautiful. Just. beautiful.
As the Spring turns to Summer and whispers "come and play"... tune the ears of your heart to the call of the Shepherd and your eyes to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord in His Word. Let the pages captivate you with the exquisite beauty of His life and love. Don't stay indoors. Get out...and run free!
One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4
No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day. John 6:44
Shawna
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Little by Little...
Exodus 23:29-30 "I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased and possess the land."
Can't you just picture them standing before the mountain of God? Those Israelites all covered in desert dust, staring up at their covenant-making God in a consuming fire, still shaking their heads over what He had done. He had actually delivered them from Egypt! I bet they just stood there unable to speak, letting it all sink in that the promises to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were not forgotten! And that He was going to fulfill those promises now! To them! How exhilarating that must have been. I imagine they were ready to seize the day! Take the land! Forget Egypt and bring on the milk and honey! Oh, those tasty promises of God at their fingertips. Surely they'll be settled any day now. Their God will drive out and blot out all those godless Amorites, Hittites, and the string of other "ites" before their very eyes. Start packing your bags, twelve tribes, because God's Promise Train is about to leave Sinai and cross the Jordan!
But oh...wait...what was that God spoke to you, Moses? Not in one year? Ummm...what exactly does He mean when He says "little by little?"
But why?
We're ready aren't we?
I mean we're your covenant people aren't we? Your bride? We're just wandering in this waterless, shadeless, hot, stifling desert...in tents.
This isn't supposed to be our stopping place. We had it better in Egypt, you know.
Ahhh...so my own heart. So restless with the ways of God when they have to do with dreams and promises unfulfilled. But He knows. He knows, beloved. He knows what we can handle. He knows the good the desert does for us. And while we certainly have already been granted every spiritual blessing in Christ Jesus, His plans for us are still unfolding in His time and in His way. Our moments and our days belong to Him.
So often I don't understand why the opposition when it seems my desire is for something so good. Why not a full unleashing? I can get so frustrated and discontent. Why not doors of ministry flung wide open, a healed and fully bonded relationship with my adopted son, opportunities to move into lives and see dreams He's laid on my heart realized? Why not all the promises opened wide by His Hand now?
Because He knows my heart. He knows this world. He knows the Full Story He has already written. Because sometimes if we were to come upon promises fulfilled in haste our land could become desolate and wild beasts multiply against us. He is protecting us from ourselves and from this world.
What a marvelous and loving Father! What He wants is my heart and your heart and a quiet trust that He alone is enough. Moses never crossed into the promised land. But the glory of the Lord passed by him on that mountain and He spoke to the Sovereign Lord friend to friend in that desert...so much that His face glowed.
So in the waiting...in the unknowing...in the desert...is He enough? Do you trust what He's doing in your life?
Yes, we wait for our promised land. We wait for dreams we share with Him and promises He's given us to be fulfilled here on this earth. And even more so should we set our hearts on dreams of Heaven!
Proverbs says "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the LORD directs His steps."
Sister, we can rest in the waiting. He knows what He's doing. We see so small. He sees so big. Don't miss the lessons in the desert that will give you seeds to sow and roots to grow deep when the time comes to experience dreams and promises realized.
Our God is for us and He is working all things together for His glory and our great joy in Him.
Bon Voyage, Beloved!
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." Prov 3:5-6
Can't you just picture them standing before the mountain of God? Those Israelites all covered in desert dust, staring up at their covenant-making God in a consuming fire, still shaking their heads over what He had done. He had actually delivered them from Egypt! I bet they just stood there unable to speak, letting it all sink in that the promises to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were not forgotten! And that He was going to fulfill those promises now! To them! How exhilarating that must have been. I imagine they were ready to seize the day! Take the land! Forget Egypt and bring on the milk and honey! Oh, those tasty promises of God at their fingertips. Surely they'll be settled any day now. Their God will drive out and blot out all those godless Amorites, Hittites, and the string of other "ites" before their very eyes. Start packing your bags, twelve tribes, because God's Promise Train is about to leave Sinai and cross the Jordan!
But oh...wait...what was that God spoke to you, Moses? Not in one year? Ummm...what exactly does He mean when He says "little by little?"
But why?
We're ready aren't we?
I mean we're your covenant people aren't we? Your bride? We're just wandering in this waterless, shadeless, hot, stifling desert...in tents.
This isn't supposed to be our stopping place. We had it better in Egypt, you know.
Ahhh...so my own heart. So restless with the ways of God when they have to do with dreams and promises unfulfilled. But He knows. He knows, beloved. He knows what we can handle. He knows the good the desert does for us. And while we certainly have already been granted every spiritual blessing in Christ Jesus, His plans for us are still unfolding in His time and in His way. Our moments and our days belong to Him.
So often I don't understand why the opposition when it seems my desire is for something so good. Why not a full unleashing? I can get so frustrated and discontent. Why not doors of ministry flung wide open, a healed and fully bonded relationship with my adopted son, opportunities to move into lives and see dreams He's laid on my heart realized? Why not all the promises opened wide by His Hand now?
Because He knows my heart. He knows this world. He knows the Full Story He has already written. Because sometimes if we were to come upon promises fulfilled in haste our land could become desolate and wild beasts multiply against us. He is protecting us from ourselves and from this world.
What a marvelous and loving Father! What He wants is my heart and your heart and a quiet trust that He alone is enough. Moses never crossed into the promised land. But the glory of the Lord passed by him on that mountain and He spoke to the Sovereign Lord friend to friend in that desert...so much that His face glowed.
So in the waiting...in the unknowing...in the desert...is He enough? Do you trust what He's doing in your life?
Yes, we wait for our promised land. We wait for dreams we share with Him and promises He's given us to be fulfilled here on this earth. And even more so should we set our hearts on dreams of Heaven!
Proverbs says "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but the LORD directs His steps."
Sister, we can rest in the waiting. He knows what He's doing. We see so small. He sees so big. Don't miss the lessons in the desert that will give you seeds to sow and roots to grow deep when the time comes to experience dreams and promises realized.
Our God is for us and He is working all things together for His glory and our great joy in Him.
Bon Voyage, Beloved!
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." Prov 3:5-6
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
2013 - The Down-Low on the Duvalls :)
2013 brought a year of change for our family. Maybe not so much in the external…many things look similar to the way they did a year ago. But more the internal changes of heart, mind and soul. It’s been a squeezing and shaping, molding and melding, breaking and building kind of year. Lots of adjusting in embracing the beautiful and joyful addition of our new little guy, Caleb. Life’s a journey and hand in hand our family has sojourned over steep precipices, through valleys, across deserts, through dense fog forests and occasionally stopped at an overlook of a breathtaking vista. So many of you have met us, walked with us and spurred us along in very real, tangible ways on the journey and we are more grateful and indebted than we can express in words on a page. Thank you!!
Despite the emotional ups and downs of the year we’ve still maintained a level of “normalcy” (although I’m not so sure we’ve ever been “normal” around here) :) Here’s an individual rundown…
Micah – 8 years old and now in 2nd grade! Still into soccer, legos, Michigan State, baseball cards and any sports game going on in our neighborhood cul-de-sac. At school he’s grown a love for writing, but gym is still his favorite “special”. It’s been fun to see his sense of humor develop as he keeps us laughing. He attended his first MSU game this year and won’t stop wearing green.
Savannah – 5 years old and now in Kindergarten three full days a week. She is thriving in school and while the teacher says she’s quiet in the classroom, she spills all her words from the moment she walks into the door until she leaves again :) She’s all about arts and crafts and playing “family” with her dolls. Quite the gift giver, we always have a newly colored art project waiting for us on our bed.
Caleb – 3 years old and in gymnastics once a week. His one year anniversary with our family was Oct 24 of this year. What a milestone! He has grown exponentially in so many ways. His vocabulary increases daily and he has mastered the construction vehicles names. He’s obsessed with all things construction. He mimics everything his older siblings do (good or bad) and wants nothing more than to be in the center of it all at all times. There’s a reason why he’s in gymnastics once a week :)
Greg – “ahem” years old and still working with Marketplace Chaplains USA as the Northern Division Director and Gordon Food Service National Account Manager. He still loves the relational side of his job and all the ways he gets to enter into the lives of such a wide range of individuals. His chaplain team continues to bless him as they serve together. Not much running of races this year for either of us…just running after a toddler :) He’s got his eyes set on a long distance run this Spring.
Shawna – the perfect age and still a stay at home mama and volunteering a bit at Micah’s school as a room mom. I’m also still working part time for the church as a co-director for our women’s ministry and enjoying leading Bible studies and meeting one on one with young women.
We’re peering into 2014 gripped with hope and leaning into Jesus. We have experienced so much grace and mercy this past year. And although we may be finishing this year with a limp, we know He is a God of infinite measures of goodness and kindness and He will continue to bring glory to His name and bring us great joy as we trust Him.
This Season we are reflecting back not only on the past year, but equally to the Holy Night 2000 years ago. Explaining the Story for the first time to a three year old brings such incredible perspective. Baby Jesus is truly Good News.
May reflections on Immanuel, “God With Us” bring you and your family a “three-year old” kind of Joy, Rest and Trust this year :)
Despite the emotional ups and downs of the year we’ve still maintained a level of “normalcy” (although I’m not so sure we’ve ever been “normal” around here) :) Here’s an individual rundown…
Micah – 8 years old and now in 2nd grade! Still into soccer, legos, Michigan State, baseball cards and any sports game going on in our neighborhood cul-de-sac. At school he’s grown a love for writing, but gym is still his favorite “special”. It’s been fun to see his sense of humor develop as he keeps us laughing. He attended his first MSU game this year and won’t stop wearing green.
Savannah – 5 years old and now in Kindergarten three full days a week. She is thriving in school and while the teacher says she’s quiet in the classroom, she spills all her words from the moment she walks into the door until she leaves again :) She’s all about arts and crafts and playing “family” with her dolls. Quite the gift giver, we always have a newly colored art project waiting for us on our bed.
Caleb – 3 years old and in gymnastics once a week. His one year anniversary with our family was Oct 24 of this year. What a milestone! He has grown exponentially in so many ways. His vocabulary increases daily and he has mastered the construction vehicles names. He’s obsessed with all things construction. He mimics everything his older siblings do (good or bad) and wants nothing more than to be in the center of it all at all times. There’s a reason why he’s in gymnastics once a week :)
Greg – “ahem” years old and still working with Marketplace Chaplains USA as the Northern Division Director and Gordon Food Service National Account Manager. He still loves the relational side of his job and all the ways he gets to enter into the lives of such a wide range of individuals. His chaplain team continues to bless him as they serve together. Not much running of races this year for either of us…just running after a toddler :) He’s got his eyes set on a long distance run this Spring.
Shawna – the perfect age and still a stay at home mama and volunteering a bit at Micah’s school as a room mom. I’m also still working part time for the church as a co-director for our women’s ministry and enjoying leading Bible studies and meeting one on one with young women.
We’re peering into 2014 gripped with hope and leaning into Jesus. We have experienced so much grace and mercy this past year. And although we may be finishing this year with a limp, we know He is a God of infinite measures of goodness and kindness and He will continue to bring glory to His name and bring us great joy as we trust Him.
This Season we are reflecting back not only on the past year, but equally to the Holy Night 2000 years ago. Explaining the Story for the first time to a three year old brings such incredible perspective. Baby Jesus is truly Good News.
May reflections on Immanuel, “God With Us” bring you and your family a “three-year old” kind of Joy, Rest and Trust this year :)
With a hearts full of love and thanks,
The Duvalls
Greg, Shawna, Micah, Savannah and Caleb
“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?” Rom 8:32
Great Wolf Lodge
Playground near Aunt and Uncle's house in GA
Pentwater, MI in the summer
Micah's first day of school
lakeside in summer
fishing in Pentwater, MI
Halloween at Daddy's work
Easter in Savannah, GA
3.6.5 and counting...
October 24 marked one year to the day we walked off an airplane with a Thai orphan in tow. A year (!) Many of you have graciously asked...How does it feel? Did it go faster than you expected? How is Caleb adjusting? And to be honest I think I have a dozen different answers...for each question. And that's just from my perspective. Everyone walks through the adoption journey at their own pace and in their own way. So I can't speak entirely for Greg and the kids. At times that can lead to a somewhat isolating experience when emotions are so intense and processing is happening on so many different levels between five different people. But we keep showing up. We keep loving and waiting and praying and pressing in and now...after a year...I think I can get my head up above water long enough to take a breath and share with you from this changed, stripped, broken, humbled and yet overhwelmingly grateful mama's heart.
I think what I did not realize (you know hindsight is always 20/20) is that during the first half of the year I was enduring a significant amount of shock and trauma in my own heart and mind and then at the same time trying to function as a mother to a non-biological child with radical attachment/bonding issues, sensory issues, dietary issues, emotional/behavioral issues, and much more than a large dose of his own shock and trauma. This doesn't make for a very healthy bonding experience. I took myself to the beating post everyday with self condemnation and feelings of outright failure. Part of the shock was the realization of my inability to love an orphan on my own. I just couldn't do it. And it totally caught me off guard and made me doubt so much of my heart and life and faith. I felt a failure before God, the Defender of the orphan and the widow. The One with immeasurable, unchanging, steadfast love. The God with an always open heart to His children. And me, with a closed, hard, pharoah-like heart. Hopelessness and desperation set in. And God let me feel that. But oh, his grace and mercy. His nearness and strength and provision in the most unexpected of ways. A Word of Truth here, a text message from a friend there, a prayer, a song, a smile from my adopted son, laughter and snuggles from my two biological children, respite, a date night, a brisk walk, a coffee shop...And now I look back and with tears I can say "My God, You carried me." Like David, I can honestly say, "Thus far the LORD has brought me." And He will bring me still.
Swirling emotions of guilt and shame led me to the cross. I began to understand the gospel...to swallow it whole for the first time. Oh, I could have engaged in conversations with you about the gospel, the good news of Jesus, on so many levels. But...to experience it like that. Waves of mercy, revelation, wonder and awe...Could this really be true? Is Jesus' righteousness imparted to me so perfect, lasting, unwavering and solid that it's as if I never sinned? Am I really free to come before Him with the horror of my depraved mind and heart and He looks at me and says, "What sin? What anger? What pride? What bitterness and resentment? What selfishness? What lack of love? I paid for that. It's gone." And that I can bring my brokenness day after day after day...my inability to simply love this orphan (now son) with an open, pure heart despite his rejection. And He supplies what I need in the moment. And the next moment. And all the fullness of God is within and around changing this heart and these circumstances and this family. Bless God.
Among other lessons learned are the root and pathway to Compassion. True Compassion. That it's first having eyes to see, then a heart moved by a love for God's will and glory in that person's life, then the sheer determination to just move into that life. Whether by prayer or in a physical, tangible way. This is profound for someone like me not naturally prone to overwhelming feelings of gushy mercy or compassion for every man, woman, World Vision child and animal shelter puppy. But I've learned that in Christ, I can put on a spirit of compassion. It starts with His perspective and His Spirit and Him making me adequate to minister His grace. Not from me. Again...Bless God.
So "one year" for me didn't exactly bring about a desire for a party with balloons and clowns (ok, well no party ever evokes in me a desire for clowns). There's been so much gratitude for how far we've come mixed with much discouragement that we weren't where I thought we'd be. But then I remember...Who exactly is in control here and Who is setting the bar for being "exactly where you're supposed to be"? God is. So now I'm learning to Rest. We've got some scarring from this past year, some of which still needs healing and some of which I hope we carry with us for the rest of our lives as reminders of how to walk with a limp, leaning on Jesus to be all in all.
The beauty of seeing Caleb interacting and seeming more and more a part of our family everyday, hearing new vocabulary spill out of his mouth, having him lean in to give me a kiss for the first time today, seeing his bond with his Daddy and his desire to interact with his siblings, hearing him belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul...ooohhh my soul!", watching him in gymnastics, reading him books, tucking him in at bedtime...this beauty brings soulful praise. Only God can move mountains like that.
As painful and trying as the last year has been, I'd do it all again...and again. I can say that now. And I'll tell you why. Because I live with a constant reminder of the love and grace shown to me as one once fatherless and estranged from my Heavenly father. An orphan child brought Home by the sacrifice of the Father's firstborn. He gave His son so I could be adopted into His family, sit at his table and belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul!" and get access into the most intimate parts of His being. And not only does Caleb remind me of my own adoption, but that God has implanted and is working out His Spirit of adoption in my own heart and life. That every day I'm being changed from glory to glory and growing in True Calvary Love. And that's worth it. He's worth it.
So...it's been a Year. (Like with a capital "Y"). I've journaled bits and pieces along the way you can read in previous posts. But for now, the recap.
I think what I did not realize (you know hindsight is always 20/20) is that during the first half of the year I was enduring a significant amount of shock and trauma in my own heart and mind and then at the same time trying to function as a mother to a non-biological child with radical attachment/bonding issues, sensory issues, dietary issues, emotional/behavioral issues, and much more than a large dose of his own shock and trauma. This doesn't make for a very healthy bonding experience. I took myself to the beating post everyday with self condemnation and feelings of outright failure. Part of the shock was the realization of my inability to love an orphan on my own. I just couldn't do it. And it totally caught me off guard and made me doubt so much of my heart and life and faith. I felt a failure before God, the Defender of the orphan and the widow. The One with immeasurable, unchanging, steadfast love. The God with an always open heart to His children. And me, with a closed, hard, pharoah-like heart. Hopelessness and desperation set in. And God let me feel that. But oh, his grace and mercy. His nearness and strength and provision in the most unexpected of ways. A Word of Truth here, a text message from a friend there, a prayer, a song, a smile from my adopted son, laughter and snuggles from my two biological children, respite, a date night, a brisk walk, a coffee shop...And now I look back and with tears I can say "My God, You carried me." Like David, I can honestly say, "Thus far the LORD has brought me." And He will bring me still.
Swirling emotions of guilt and shame led me to the cross. I began to understand the gospel...to swallow it whole for the first time. Oh, I could have engaged in conversations with you about the gospel, the good news of Jesus, on so many levels. But...to experience it like that. Waves of mercy, revelation, wonder and awe...Could this really be true? Is Jesus' righteousness imparted to me so perfect, lasting, unwavering and solid that it's as if I never sinned? Am I really free to come before Him with the horror of my depraved mind and heart and He looks at me and says, "What sin? What anger? What pride? What bitterness and resentment? What selfishness? What lack of love? I paid for that. It's gone." And that I can bring my brokenness day after day after day...my inability to simply love this orphan (now son) with an open, pure heart despite his rejection. And He supplies what I need in the moment. And the next moment. And all the fullness of God is within and around changing this heart and these circumstances and this family. Bless God.
So the Gospel...the sweet, sweet Gospel. May it more and more become the center of all I am and why I live. The Gospel-centered life. Oh, God, let it be.
Among other lessons learned are the root and pathway to Compassion. True Compassion. That it's first having eyes to see, then a heart moved by a love for God's will and glory in that person's life, then the sheer determination to just move into that life. Whether by prayer or in a physical, tangible way. This is profound for someone like me not naturally prone to overwhelming feelings of gushy mercy or compassion for every man, woman, World Vision child and animal shelter puppy. But I've learned that in Christ, I can put on a spirit of compassion. It starts with His perspective and His Spirit and Him making me adequate to minister His grace. Not from me. Again...Bless God.
So "one year" for me didn't exactly bring about a desire for a party with balloons and clowns (ok, well no party ever evokes in me a desire for clowns). There's been so much gratitude for how far we've come mixed with much discouragement that we weren't where I thought we'd be. But then I remember...Who exactly is in control here and Who is setting the bar for being "exactly where you're supposed to be"? God is. So now I'm learning to Rest. We've got some scarring from this past year, some of which still needs healing and some of which I hope we carry with us for the rest of our lives as reminders of how to walk with a limp, leaning on Jesus to be all in all.
The beauty of seeing Caleb interacting and seeming more and more a part of our family everyday, hearing new vocabulary spill out of his mouth, having him lean in to give me a kiss for the first time today, seeing his bond with his Daddy and his desire to interact with his siblings, hearing him belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul...ooohhh my soul!", watching him in gymnastics, reading him books, tucking him in at bedtime...this beauty brings soulful praise. Only God can move mountains like that.
As painful and trying as the last year has been, I'd do it all again...and again. I can say that now. And I'll tell you why. Because I live with a constant reminder of the love and grace shown to me as one once fatherless and estranged from my Heavenly father. An orphan child brought Home by the sacrifice of the Father's firstborn. He gave His son so I could be adopted into His family, sit at his table and belt out "Bless the Lord, Oh my soul!" and get access into the most intimate parts of His being. And not only does Caleb remind me of my own adoption, but that God has implanted and is working out His Spirit of adoption in my own heart and life. That every day I'm being changed from glory to glory and growing in True Calvary Love. And that's worth it. He's worth it.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Preach it, Mama!
2 Corinthians 5:11-21
You've heard the term "irreconcilable differences" used as grounds for divorce. It covers a wide range of reasons for divorce, but basically the married couple is saying, "We just can't see eye to eye. We are too different. This isn't going to work." Wikipedia defines it this way, "Any sort of difference between the two parties that either cannot or will not be changed can be considered irreconcilable differences. Some states use the terms irremediable breakdown, irretrievable breakdown, or incompatibility." Yikes. Irretrievable breakdown sounds like sad hopelessness to me. And yet...isn't that what humanity is to her Creator God? He had every right in the world when Adam and Eve turned their backs on Him and sin entered their hearts to say "'Irreconcilable differences'". I am the Judge. We're done here."
But what does He do instead? He woos His people, His bride Israel. He sets about a Great Rescue Plan and He makes covenant and keeps it no matter what. He knows there are irreconcilable differences in the heart of every human He brings into existence. He knows divorce from His people would be justified. But...He (God the Father) made Him (Christ the Son) who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Cor 5:21) Notice the actual impartations going on there. Jesus became sin. I became righteous. He made a way for our irreconcilable differences to become reconciled...
Enemies of the cross...to His beloved in the throneroom. Selah, sister.
The word Reconcile in the greek is "Kattalasso" meaning 1) to change, exchange, as coins for others of equivalent value 1a) to reconcile (those who are at variance) 1b) return to favour with, be reconciled to one 1c) to receive one into favour
You and I have been reconciled to God through the work of Christ Jesus on the cross. God is not counting our trespasses against us. (2 Cor 5:18-19) They're gone because Jesus became them on the cross and got rid of them. So we are brought near! Our account with God is clear because He looks at you and He looks at me and He sees the righteous purity of His Son in us. Picture a big red stamp on the ledger of all the thoughts, words, actions, motivations that you ever have done, will ever do (or are doing right now) against God that says "RECONCILED". Holy smokes, girls! This is freedom! This is freedom because we no longer have to try to blame others for our sin, or try hard to make God love us and accept us even though we still sin, or get all gussied up before we come to Him, or try to gain acceptance or prove ourselves to this world and hide our weaknesses. The truth - His Truth - sets us free. Praise the Living God.
Now why spend so much time preaching this again and again? Because if we do not understand, know and believe our reconciliation to God in Christ, then we can not minister the word of reconciliation to this world, namely our children (since our motherhood is the emphasis of these 2 Cor blog entries.) Paul David Tripp recently spoke at a conference I attended and He said you are always preaching something to yourself. What is it? Is it the Gospel? Are we preaching reconciliation to our souls and praying for the faith to believe and then walk in it?
Our kids and this world are crying out to hear bells ringing for freedom. And we have been granted by God's divine sovereign grace this ministry of reconciliation which is exactly that. We preach Christ crucified! We beg and urge, as appointed ambassadors, to make an appeal for Christ and His work. We are the extension of His ministry here on earth. Look at this cool definition of ambassador coming straight from the literal greek...
Ambassador: an official envoy; especially : a diplomatic agent of the highest rank accredited to a foreign government or sovereign as the resident representative of his or her own government or sovereign or appointed for a special and often temporary diplomatic assignment
What are you preaching to yourself? Is is condemnation? The Law? The world's not-so-good-news message? Because as sure as "at the overflow of the heart the mouth will speak" that is the very thing we will be preaching to our little ones.
Preach reconciliation to your hearts everyday. Sing of your freedom as you make an appeal for the One who bought it for you. Sing of your Reconciled Differences and that your Husband has not and will not ever divorce you. He has won us over.
Beg. Urge. Make an appeal with your life and lips...for God Most High Himself has committed to you this blessed ministry of reconciliation.
You've heard the term "irreconcilable differences" used as grounds for divorce. It covers a wide range of reasons for divorce, but basically the married couple is saying, "We just can't see eye to eye. We are too different. This isn't going to work." Wikipedia defines it this way, "Any sort of difference between the two parties that either cannot or will not be changed can be considered irreconcilable differences. Some states use the terms irremediable breakdown, irretrievable breakdown, or incompatibility." Yikes. Irretrievable breakdown sounds like sad hopelessness to me. And yet...isn't that what humanity is to her Creator God? He had every right in the world when Adam and Eve turned their backs on Him and sin entered their hearts to say "'Irreconcilable differences'". I am the Judge. We're done here."
But what does He do instead? He woos His people, His bride Israel. He sets about a Great Rescue Plan and He makes covenant and keeps it no matter what. He knows there are irreconcilable differences in the heart of every human He brings into existence. He knows divorce from His people would be justified. But...He (God the Father) made Him (Christ the Son) who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. (2 Cor 5:21) Notice the actual impartations going on there. Jesus became sin. I became righteous. He made a way for our irreconcilable differences to become reconciled...
Enemies of the cross...to His beloved in the throneroom. Selah, sister.
The word Reconcile in the greek is "Kattalasso" meaning 1) to change, exchange, as coins for others of equivalent value 1a) to reconcile (those who are at variance) 1b) return to favour with, be reconciled to one 1c) to receive one into favour
You and I have been reconciled to God through the work of Christ Jesus on the cross. God is not counting our trespasses against us. (2 Cor 5:18-19) They're gone because Jesus became them on the cross and got rid of them. So we are brought near! Our account with God is clear because He looks at you and He looks at me and He sees the righteous purity of His Son in us. Picture a big red stamp on the ledger of all the thoughts, words, actions, motivations that you ever have done, will ever do (or are doing right now) against God that says "RECONCILED". Holy smokes, girls! This is freedom! This is freedom because we no longer have to try to blame others for our sin, or try hard to make God love us and accept us even though we still sin, or get all gussied up before we come to Him, or try to gain acceptance or prove ourselves to this world and hide our weaknesses. The truth - His Truth - sets us free. Praise the Living God.
Now why spend so much time preaching this again and again? Because if we do not understand, know and believe our reconciliation to God in Christ, then we can not minister the word of reconciliation to this world, namely our children (since our motherhood is the emphasis of these 2 Cor blog entries.) Paul David Tripp recently spoke at a conference I attended and He said you are always preaching something to yourself. What is it? Is it the Gospel? Are we preaching reconciliation to our souls and praying for the faith to believe and then walk in it?
Our kids and this world are crying out to hear bells ringing for freedom. And we have been granted by God's divine sovereign grace this ministry of reconciliation which is exactly that. We preach Christ crucified! We beg and urge, as appointed ambassadors, to make an appeal for Christ and His work. We are the extension of His ministry here on earth. Look at this cool definition of ambassador coming straight from the literal greek...
Ambassador: an official envoy; especially : a diplomatic agent of the highest rank accredited to a foreign government or sovereign as the resident representative of his or her own government or sovereign or appointed for a special and often temporary diplomatic assignment
What are you preaching to yourself? Is is condemnation? The Law? The world's not-so-good-news message? Because as sure as "at the overflow of the heart the mouth will speak" that is the very thing we will be preaching to our little ones.
Preach reconciliation to your hearts everyday. Sing of your freedom as you make an appeal for the One who bought it for you. Sing of your Reconciled Differences and that your Husband has not and will not ever divorce you. He has won us over.
Beg. Urge. Make an appeal with your life and lips...for God Most High Himself has committed to you this blessed ministry of reconciliation.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
It's just really not supposed to be this way...
Read 2 Corinthians 5:1-10
We groan. We sigh. We wait for something more. Something to change. We look at our families, the sin nature of our kids, of ourselves, we trudge through this hard work of mothering one muddy step and a time and we think, "Is it really supposed to be like this? Isn't there something more?" And in the eternal "Yes" of God - in Christ Jesus - the answer comes into focus and rings loud and clear. Yes. There is more. SO much more. In this next section (2 Cor 5:1-10) Paul is actually continuing on with reasons why we "do not lose heart" that he began to encourage us with in chapter 4.
"For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave us the Spirit as a pledge. Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord - for we walk by faith, not by sight - we are of good courage..." 2 Cor 5:4-5
Heavenly perspective. I pray for this a lot. That God would open my eyes to the unseen (4:18) and that I might live in light of the greater reality of what is not now and what is to come. Don't you groan, too, kindred mama? I feel my earthly tent (my human body) worn down. And not just because I'm not doing Jillian Michaels like I should be :) We can't deny the mortality. A pregnancy, an infant, a toddler will most certainly make you feel it. This fallen world takes its toll on our physical bodies for sure. But our gracious God doesn't just leave us hanging out to dry. He reminds us daily of our intended purpose to be clothed, alive, with Him "Corum Deo" (face to face), fully transformed, fully redeemed - mind, body and spirit - complete in Him. He reminds us by the inner working of the Holy Spirit's presence in our hearts and we cling to that promise like a Bride to an engagement ring. Though our outer man is wasting away, our inner man is being renewed day by day...renewed in hope that strengthens the bones to hang on, press forward, show up and not lose heart because what we see really isn't all that is. So if this is our purpose, if eternity is one of the rock solid reasons why we do not lose heart, then this is where our focus should be. You see, for Paul, "Heaven was not simply a destination, it was a motivation." (Wiersbe, Warren; Bible Exposition Commentary, 1989)
And this motivation can be yours and mine as well. You know, I read this and I hear the whisper, "Shawna, what is your ambition? What's propelling you through the days, months and years of this Motherhood Call?" Is it successful, well-trained children who grow up to become "Citizen of the Year?" Or better yet, is it that my children grow up to love God with all their hearts and in our home we have harmonious relationships and joy? Is it a clean, orderly home? Is it a healed heart in my adopted son? Is it that my kids fill their marble jars with good works and kind words? Are all these my ambitions in life? Answer: Yes. Sure. But those should all fall under the over arching Greatest Ambition to simply live to want to please Jesus, my Lord. Why? Because...I love Him. And He loves me. And He's really just that worthy of it all. Pleasing Him is our one ambition. It's in the driver's seat and steering the packed mini van of "life ministry".
We're going to stand in front of Him one day as sure as the sun rises and sets. And the search lights of His Kingly glory will shine bright into our hearts revealing the motivations behind our deeds. Standing before the Lamb. Revealed. People get ready. Live and minister in such a way knowing that your life is an open book before Him. There won't be any surprises to Him...He knows everything already. But Oh...that Day! When all will be seen. We don't approach that Day with dread. 2 Cor 5:21 says that we have become the very righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. Our souls have become the very Holy of Holies. "No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me". But! You better believe I look ahead to that Day with a serious truckload of reverent fear and trembling. And even moreso, with a driving motivation that on that Day my Savior and King Jesus will smile and be pleased with me and how I have handled all that He has entrusted to me in this fleeting moment of a lifetime. Kids, Spouse, House, Work, Community, Family, etc... All under the one great ambition to please Him now and for eternity.
Kindred Sister, may our groanings tune us in to what lies ahead. Great and glorious promises fulfilled!!
And may we read this text and ask: What's driving our mothering? What are we investing in? What are our goals? Do they all fall under the one simple ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him?
"Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Jesus, Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You"
We groan. We sigh. We wait for something more. Something to change. We look at our families, the sin nature of our kids, of ourselves, we trudge through this hard work of mothering one muddy step and a time and we think, "Is it really supposed to be like this? Isn't there something more?" And in the eternal "Yes" of God - in Christ Jesus - the answer comes into focus and rings loud and clear. Yes. There is more. SO much more. In this next section (2 Cor 5:1-10) Paul is actually continuing on with reasons why we "do not lose heart" that he began to encourage us with in chapter 4.
"For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave us the Spirit as a pledge. Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord - for we walk by faith, not by sight - we are of good courage..." 2 Cor 5:4-5
Heavenly perspective. I pray for this a lot. That God would open my eyes to the unseen (4:18) and that I might live in light of the greater reality of what is not now and what is to come. Don't you groan, too, kindred mama? I feel my earthly tent (my human body) worn down. And not just because I'm not doing Jillian Michaels like I should be :) We can't deny the mortality. A pregnancy, an infant, a toddler will most certainly make you feel it. This fallen world takes its toll on our physical bodies for sure. But our gracious God doesn't just leave us hanging out to dry. He reminds us daily of our intended purpose to be clothed, alive, with Him "Corum Deo" (face to face), fully transformed, fully redeemed - mind, body and spirit - complete in Him. He reminds us by the inner working of the Holy Spirit's presence in our hearts and we cling to that promise like a Bride to an engagement ring. Though our outer man is wasting away, our inner man is being renewed day by day...renewed in hope that strengthens the bones to hang on, press forward, show up and not lose heart because what we see really isn't all that is. So if this is our purpose, if eternity is one of the rock solid reasons why we do not lose heart, then this is where our focus should be. You see, for Paul, "Heaven was not simply a destination, it was a motivation." (Wiersbe, Warren; Bible Exposition Commentary, 1989)
And this motivation can be yours and mine as well. You know, I read this and I hear the whisper, "Shawna, what is your ambition? What's propelling you through the days, months and years of this Motherhood Call?" Is it successful, well-trained children who grow up to become "Citizen of the Year?" Or better yet, is it that my children grow up to love God with all their hearts and in our home we have harmonious relationships and joy? Is it a clean, orderly home? Is it a healed heart in my adopted son? Is it that my kids fill their marble jars with good works and kind words? Are all these my ambitions in life? Answer: Yes. Sure. But those should all fall under the over arching Greatest Ambition to simply live to want to please Jesus, my Lord. Why? Because...I love Him. And He loves me. And He's really just that worthy of it all. Pleasing Him is our one ambition. It's in the driver's seat and steering the packed mini van of "life ministry".
We're going to stand in front of Him one day as sure as the sun rises and sets. And the search lights of His Kingly glory will shine bright into our hearts revealing the motivations behind our deeds. Standing before the Lamb. Revealed. People get ready. Live and minister in such a way knowing that your life is an open book before Him. There won't be any surprises to Him...He knows everything already. But Oh...that Day! When all will be seen. We don't approach that Day with dread. 2 Cor 5:21 says that we have become the very righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. Our souls have become the very Holy of Holies. "No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me". But! You better believe I look ahead to that Day with a serious truckload of reverent fear and trembling. And even moreso, with a driving motivation that on that Day my Savior and King Jesus will smile and be pleased with me and how I have handled all that He has entrusted to me in this fleeting moment of a lifetime. Kids, Spouse, House, Work, Community, Family, etc... All under the one great ambition to please Him now and for eternity.
Kindred Sister, may our groanings tune us in to what lies ahead. Great and glorious promises fulfilled!!
And may we read this text and ask: What's driving our mothering? What are we investing in? What are our goals? Do they all fall under the one simple ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him?
"Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Jesus, Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You"
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