It's kind of a mix between blog and walk :) In these past couple months of cyber silence, my Heavenly Father has been downloading His restorative, solid rock truth to me via Paul's second letter to the Corinthians 2000 years ago. It always strikes me how something written in another time, in another language, to another culture can bear such significance to me in my day in day out living...that's the power of the living Word...and I suppose shows the uniformity of humanity regardless of race, sex or status. We all need God.
Anyway...I'd never read 2 Corinithians in light of mothering. It's a book on the relationship between suffering and the power of the Spirit in Paul's apostolic life, minitry and message. (ESV intro to 2 Cor)
But as I've considered the high call of motherhood, its demands and its purpose, God by His Spirit has been bringing His life and hope into these hard-knock-life days as I've studied the chapters of this letter. So I had the idea to blog my way through 2 Corinthians with the idea that maybe some other mamas out there would want to join in and "blalk" along with me (it that cheesy? I've been known once or twice to be cheesy...but seriously...what's the world without a little swiss and cheddar every now and then?) I would LOVE to hear comments, insights and mutual encouragement so this is more of a community "thang" than a Shawna "thang".
And so we dive in...2 Corinthians chapter 1 verses 1-2...
"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, To the church of God that is at Corinth, with all the saints who are in the whole of Achaia: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."
I was tempted just to skip on to the meaty part since Paul starts all his letters like this. But every iota of God's written Word carries weight and is included for His divine purposes. And as I took the time to observe and meditate these verses some profound truths emerged that have imprinted my motherhood.
1) Paul begins by stating who he is. He is an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God. Paul was apostolos "one who is sent" with the specific call to represent Jesus Christ to the gentiles and God the Father is the One who ordained and called him to this apostleship. Now Paul's apostleship was unique in that others in the church did not share this title. Notice it says Timothy our brother. Timothy wasn't an "apostle" but he was no less "sent" according to Matthew 28:19 than Peter or Paul or you or I. So I am not equating myself with Paul's unique title of "apostle", however I am going to apply the universal principle that God the Father himself wills us to follow and thus represent Christ Jesus. We are the sent ones. And so as Paul begins his letters this way, I have started the practice of beginning my days this way. Remembering who I am and whose I am. While eyes still half closed and groping the cupboards for my coffee cup, I am choosing to bow my heart and proclaim who I am and whose I am "Shawna, 'daughter of the King, saint, disciple & bondservant' by the will of God." And then declare who/what I have been called unto: "Shawna, 'sent one' called to be a my husband's greatest supporter and unto motherhood this day by the will of God." As Paul was sent to the gentiles, my mission field is my home. And while it's not my only mission field, it's my primary one. I have been called and appointed here. Who are you or whose are you today? Where are you called?
"He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it" 1 Thess 5:24
2) "By the will of God." God Himself has pre-ordained, called and sent me out (or "in", as there are some days I never leave these walls). This truth of God's sovereign call and rule brings me such peace and helps me exhale when tension rages in the home. It is pre-planned. Before time God chose my three to be discipled and mothered by me. This becomes especially poignant in the attachment/bonding struggles I am facing with our adopted son. He has willed it. Before time God knew He would place the calling of motherhood on me. I truly believe all women are called to mother as it is part of God's inherent divine design beginning with Eve. Some of us are called to mother children in the home. Some in other ways. Nevertheless, whatever the circumstance, it has been willed unto you, unto me, dear sister, by God the Father. And while at times it may feel more like a prison sentence than an esteemed position, He never wills or calls us to anything that He will not work out in and through us to the praise of His glory.
Oh! I have come to love the sovereignty of my God. And look at verse 2! Grace and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ be unto you and me. Grace upon grace as we live out our call.
"In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory." Eph 1:11-12
So let's' choose when we arise to bow our hearts and minds before the throne of God Most High. Declare to Him and to your wandering heart who He is and whose you are today. Just as Paul begins his letters as if to say "Ok, just so we're all on the same page here - this is who I am, whose I am, and what I'm called to in Christ.", let us set things straight when morning dawns. Oh blessed mother, remember with me there is a specific high calling on our lives and He has willed it. Let that set the course for your day ahead wherever He may lead.
grace and peace, sister :)
shawna
Sunday, April 28, 2013
A few months later...and still moving on
Well it's been over two (strike that...three?!) months since the last post (yikes!)...I have a few saved in my drafts, but they never made it public. It's been quite a road. I have so much to process but it seems never enough strength left over to hack it out on the keyboard. And where to start? I guess just start somewhere. I'd love to update everyone on the past days and weeks, but it makes me tired and it seems so complicated to explain. I'd love to finish a 2012 family letter, but alas, I'm neck deep in 2013 and that seems like so long ago. So...that's where we are. We've spent some time with an adoption family counselor after seeing significant attachment/bonding issues rise and have left with a sense of sobriety and yet...hope. *sigh*, "Praise God." We've been in what Greg calls "full court press" with Caleb. The main focus is on his attachment with his mama...me. Which takes all those things I wrote in previous posts about open heartedness, true Calvary love, laying down a life - and fleshes them out minute by minute as I trust that this truly is the pathway to healing and restoration. That kindness leads to repentance. The deal with full court press, though, is that a team never plays that way all game. It's too pressing. So it is requiring more perspective, more truth, more grace, more strength from Heaven day in and day out. Which means I must keep my heart still enough to hear and receive. I must call out for help. And I must keep going, trusting that a sovereign God has charted this course and equipped and enabled me all I need for this ministry of reconciliation (see 2 Cor 4&5).
In this (and through some good ole fashioned therapy) I have also realized that this has been traumatic for me as well. So many emotions that seem so overpowering at times are manifestions of what is going on in me at a deeper level. Fight or flight is so true. So I'm learning to give myself a little grace. I'm learning that Caleb and I are actually working through things together. We're grieving over different things and in our own ways, but the common ground is that we're both grieving and "dealing". And while Caleb reacts at a two year old level, I have the choice and freedom and help in the Spirit to place my emotions into the Hands of One strong enough to take them and then breathe unspeakable Peace over my whole being. I'm learning to let go in the moment and not hold myself or this family up to unrealistic expectations...and oh! - those "Expectations"! Sheesh.
So that's kind of where we are...celebrating HUGE over the littlest victory (like a hug or a kiss or simply eye contact) and tasting and choosing to believe those little morsels are just appetizers for a bigger feast ahead :) We have hope because God is on His throne. And He's just really, really, really that good. More "Good" than we could ever imagine. And He's an amazing Shepherd familiar with the terrain and knows how to call and guide his little sheep that walk with a limp. We are blessed beyond measure and know that God is in our midst.
So many of you have continued praying for us and we know God has heard from heaven and mercifully moved on our behalf. Thank you and bless God....we covet continued prayer for healing for Caleb, for strength in the Spirit for me, for unity in our marriage (after 6 months of experiencing this whole thing totally differently, it takes added effort, humility, sensitivity, GRACE and teamwork to stay connected and stay the course together).
Like that woman in Proverbs ch 31 that encapsulates a life of true wisdom by smiling at the future...I am praying to surrender fears to Love, pick up that cross and live in a way that says I know and believe that the "I Am" is the "I AM". I welcome any other limping sheep to join me along the way...
Grace and Peace, beloved! :)
In this (and through some good ole fashioned therapy) I have also realized that this has been traumatic for me as well. So many emotions that seem so overpowering at times are manifestions of what is going on in me at a deeper level. Fight or flight is so true. So I'm learning to give myself a little grace. I'm learning that Caleb and I are actually working through things together. We're grieving over different things and in our own ways, but the common ground is that we're both grieving and "dealing". And while Caleb reacts at a two year old level, I have the choice and freedom and help in the Spirit to place my emotions into the Hands of One strong enough to take them and then breathe unspeakable Peace over my whole being. I'm learning to let go in the moment and not hold myself or this family up to unrealistic expectations...and oh! - those "Expectations"! Sheesh.
So that's kind of where we are...celebrating HUGE over the littlest victory (like a hug or a kiss or simply eye contact) and tasting and choosing to believe those little morsels are just appetizers for a bigger feast ahead :) We have hope because God is on His throne. And He's just really, really, really that good. More "Good" than we could ever imagine. And He's an amazing Shepherd familiar with the terrain and knows how to call and guide his little sheep that walk with a limp. We are blessed beyond measure and know that God is in our midst.
So many of you have continued praying for us and we know God has heard from heaven and mercifully moved on our behalf. Thank you and bless God....we covet continued prayer for healing for Caleb, for strength in the Spirit for me, for unity in our marriage (after 6 months of experiencing this whole thing totally differently, it takes added effort, humility, sensitivity, GRACE and teamwork to stay connected and stay the course together).
Like that woman in Proverbs ch 31 that encapsulates a life of true wisdom by smiling at the future...I am praying to surrender fears to Love, pick up that cross and live in a way that says I know and believe that the "I Am" is the "I AM". I welcome any other limping sheep to join me along the way...
Grace and Peace, beloved! :)
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