A few months later...and still moving on

Well it's been over two (strike that...three?!) months since the last post (yikes!)...I have a few saved in my drafts, but they never made it public.  It's been quite a road.  I have so much to process but it seems never enough strength left over to hack it out on the keyboard.   And where to start?  I guess just start somewhere.  I'd love to update everyone on the past days and weeks, but it makes me tired and it seems so complicated to explain.  I'd love to finish a 2012 family letter, but alas, I'm neck deep in 2013 and that seems like so long ago.  So...that's where we are.  We've spent some time with an adoption family counselor after seeing significant attachment/bonding issues rise and have left with a sense of sobriety and yet...hope. *sigh*, "Praise God."  We've been in what Greg calls "full court press" with Caleb.  The main focus is on his attachment with his mama...me.  Which takes all those things I wrote in previous posts about open heartedness, true Calvary love, laying down a life - and fleshes them out minute by minute as I trust that this truly is the pathway to healing and restoration.  That kindness leads to repentance.  The deal with full court press, though, is that a team never plays that way all game.  It's too pressing.  So it is requiring more perspective, more truth, more grace, more strength from Heaven day in and day out.  Which means I must keep my heart still enough to hear and receive.  I must call out for help. And I must keep going, trusting that a sovereign God has charted this course and equipped and enabled me all I need for this ministry of reconciliation (see 2 Cor 4&5).

In this (and through some good ole fashioned therapy) I have also realized that this has been traumatic for me as well.  So many emotions that seem so overpowering at times are manifestions of what is going on in me at a deeper level.  Fight or flight is so true.  So I'm learning to give myself a little grace.  I'm learning that Caleb and I are actually working through things together.  We're grieving over different things and in our own ways, but the common ground is that we're both grieving and "dealing".  And while Caleb reacts at a two year old level, I have the choice and freedom and help in the Spirit to place my emotions into the Hands of One strong enough to take them and then breathe unspeakable Peace over my whole being.  I'm learning to let go in the moment and not hold myself or this family up to unrealistic expectations...and oh! - those "Expectations"!  Sheesh.

So that's kind of where we are...celebrating HUGE over the littlest victory (like a hug or a kiss or simply eye contact) and tasting and choosing to believe those little morsels are just appetizers for a bigger feast ahead :) We have hope because God is on His throne. And He's just really, really, really that good. More "Good" than we could ever imagine.  And He's an amazing Shepherd familiar with the terrain and knows how to call and guide his little sheep that walk with a limp.  We are blessed beyond measure and know that God is in our midst.

So many of you have continued praying for us and we know God has heard from heaven and mercifully moved on our behalf. Thank you and bless God....we covet continued prayer for healing for Caleb, for strength in the Spirit for me, for unity in our marriage (after 6 months of experiencing this whole thing totally differently, it takes added effort, humility, sensitivity, GRACE and teamwork to stay connected and stay the course together).

Like that woman in Proverbs ch 31 that encapsulates a life of true wisdom by smiling at the future...I am praying to surrender fears to Love, pick up that cross and live in a way that says I know and believe that the "I Am" is the "I AM".  I welcome any other limping sheep to join me along the way...

Grace and Peace, beloved! :)