Pathways

It's funny the revelations that come in the laundry room.  Maybe it's the whoosh of the washer and hum of the dryer that drown out other thoughts.  Maybe it's the monotony of sorting and folding - I don't know...but sometimes I feel like the Light just flicks on and I See something new and afresh.  Like the smell of my son's clean socks that were repulsive only one hour before :)  I have been found dropped to my knees in a pile of clothes either begging for grace to make it through the day or just plain full of thanks and praise for the joy of His revelation in that laundry sanctuary.

So...the most recent "aha" was when Caleb was playing next to me and I thought "I wonder at what point he will come to me or choose me over the memory of his former foster mother?  I mean, if the two of us were standing side by side, at what point would he choose me, his real mother, over his foster one?"  I didn't get any kind of revelation on when that might be - rather - it doesn't matter when as much as it matters how.  I remembered how Israel longed for Egypt after being delivered by their Covenant-Remembering God.  He heard their cries. He did not forget!  And yet, the people longed for the "comforts" of Egypt when the going got tough in the desert.   Or I thought of how so often I choose things of this world to satisfy my deep longings when the God of steadfast love and mercy offers the abundance of all His beautiful Self.  And then I thought of how this world never won me over with grace, love, mercy or anything else.  It's been an empty shell of a thing.  Disappointing every time.  But my God...my God has pursued me and won me over by His kindness, which led (and leads me still) to repentance, surrender and determined faith.  So I must let His Spirit in me do the same with Caleb.  I must win him over with grace and unconditional love.  I must pursue him, remain open to him, be a constant in his little life.  I must prove my steadfast love for him day after day after day.  My brilliant, wise and incredibly gracious sister-in-law Chrissy gave me this analogy when I told her how difficult it was that Caleb was just so emotionally stone cold towards me. She said it reminded her of a stone path worn away by years and years of treading upon by travelers.  Over time, the face of the stone changes.  It becomes smooth and strong and eventually reveals the Way.  She added to it by saying you could also use a chisel to change the face of the stone...it would be must quicker.  But it would actually harm the stone, causing cracks, crevices and breaking off pieces that would altogether deteriorate the stone over time, instead of allowing it to become a beautiful path leading the way.  I love that.  I love the perspective it brings of our lifelong commitment to love God and man.  We just need to walk.  We don't need to pound one another.  Leave the hammer to the one who nailed His son to a cross.  He already took the pounding.  This means we can give ourselves grace to focus not on perfection, just on taking the next step.  The stone paths in our lives won't become smooth by Sunday.  With bonding and attachment in adoption, people often say it's a lifelong process.  But isn't that the case in our own Adoption as sons and daughters of the Most High?  Don't we spend a lifetime bonding with our Father?  A lifetime learning to trust Him?  And again and again He remembers His covenant to us.  Despite our cries for Egypt, clinging to our old foster parents, the shell of this world, He remembers and wins us over with his mercy, grace and lovingkindness. Like the picture of Hosea and his wife in ch. 3 of his book.  Again and again, he walked with her and received her.  He won her over.  Who else do I need to win over with grace?  Do you have any stone pathways in your life, too?  He will do it through us, friend.  Let's just put one foot in front of the other and trust and obey.

Objectives

In your suffering, Lord - in thorns, the nails, the blows to your broken body...In the tearing separation from the Father and the Spirit on that dark day.  Even before then, in the laying aside your glory, in the wilderness with no food, in the loneliness, the blisters from walking, the sunburns, the desertion of friends and family, living homeless - in all of your discomfort, pain and sacrifice...did you close your heart towards us as the reason for your suffering? Not once.  Not once did you lay blame on us for your death and see us as objects of scorn or bitterness.  "Father, forgive them..."  Yet, You...You! freely became the object of the Father's wrath of your own choosing and you didn't for a millisecond hold it against us.  Rather you saw the sin, the darkness and the brokenness.  And you viewed us (then and now) as the objects of your compelling love, compassion and even your inheritance and glory!!  And how then do I live?  I have spent a lifetime blaming others for my discomfort...instead of viewing them as objects of love, mercy and compassion.  How often I have closed my heart towards another.  Just emotionally shut down on them, cold as stone.  Sorry, no mercy for you here today.  My soul-eyes see them as the reason for my discomfort, pain, or frustration and they become objects of bitterness, scorn or indifference.  But they are really not to blame, are they?  Have I any right to mark them as objects of anything less than open-hearted-grace-receivers?  As I have been marked by Christ the King?  Oh! To be free to view all men and my God as the objects - the recipients - of the laying down of my life and of acts of compassion and mercy and nothing else. What freedom and sweet release in life when I don this perspective.  Yet often I feel closed off.  I am "done" and "undone" all at the same time.  I don't want to continue to press into that soul.  I don't want a steadfast love that remains always open towards another in forgiveness, grace and compassion.  I'd rather close the gate to my own little kingdom and rule things neatly and comfortably from there, dictating who may or may not enter.  And so I pray...Yahweh, breathe on me and open my soul.  You, the Great Opener of all things Closed.  You opened the heavens and it rained. You opened the sea and made a way.  You opened the rock and water poured forth.  You opened the womb and became incarnate. You opened the eyes of the blind. You opened the grave and swallowed death.  My God...You can open me!

We are the objects of your love, Lord.  You have set your mercy and compassion on us.  Bless God.  All joy is mine!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)." Eph 2:4-5

A Month of Sundays

Thanksgiving marked one month of Caleb in our home and in some ways it seems like the days have flown by, and in other ways, we’ve felt so immersed in this journey, that it’s difficult to even remember the days BC (before caleb).  We continue to “adjust”.  When people ask how we’re doing we usually say, “Well…it’s an adjustment for all of us, but it’s good.”  I feel like I’ve settled into the word “adjustment” like my warm down coat.  Kind of accepting The Adjustment as the new normal.  We’ve pitched a tent in the wilderness for now and are trying to find cool in the Cloud, warmth from the Fire and sustenance from the Daily Bread.  And while we hope for that Day when we’ll look back and say “Remember that first year?”…we also have so many reasons to beat the tambourine and sing together over the little joys we see each and every day. (those pinholes, again)  It takes a trained eye to see them – a supernatural eye, really.  For many of the joys wouldn’t seem all that much of a reason to dance to many – but to us in the desert…they are so much more than a rehearsed thing you might hear around the thanksgiving table.  They are evidence of Immanuel – God With Us – at work in the infinitesimal.  It’s these little miracles – like Caleb running and giving Savannah a hug at Sunday School – that help us begin to see bloom in this desert season.  That’s probably not what most expect to hear…that it’s hard and takes every bit of strength we can muster – but that’s reality.  I’ve written it before, but it’s as true as ever…When we choose to give our life to see another raised up, there is bloodshed.  Redemptive living requires sacrifice.  But not sacrifice without hope or purpose…or even joy.
We have seen tremendous changes and progress since we arrived home with Caleb.  Here are some words to describe this little guy: curious, active, spunky, active, toddler, active, good-natured, active, fun-loving, active, relational, active, strong, active, smart as a whip, active, cute as a button, active :) His new feats include using several new English words and signs, going in the potty all by himself, imitating everything, hauling a large riding car up the steps, breaking Micah’s video game, spilling a large drink in Costco, staying in Sunday school all by himself (!), sleeping better at night, playing football outside with the big boys, figuring out how to climb on the couch to turn the lights on and off, learning exactly what he should get into if he wants to go to time-out, deciding that he does not like veggies, drinking milk (not a fan), dancing to music, his first road-trip to Chicago, and not tearing down the Christmas tree (yet!).  He’s a ball of fun and we honestly can’t imagine our family without him anymore.
We continue to covet your prayers, emails, words of support and shared rejoicing.  Many of you have graciously asked what you can be praying for specifically.  I’d say for Caleb’s heart to continue to heal and for comfort for his deep-seeded fears.  Pray that he and I would form a bond that is as strong as a mother with her natural child.  I believe this is possible, although right now it seems so far away.  He is strongly favoring Greg and Micah and remaining emotionally distant from Savannah and myself.  This is normal and expected, but at times feels like stinging salt in a wound when I endure it day after day.  I have written some other posts on my own personal journey in this.  Also, please continue to pray for wisdom in our parenting and unity and humility in our communication.  At times we are both so weary and strung out that the easiest thing is to target each other instead of extending more grace and serving one another in gratitude.  Greg has blown my mind with his consistent and steadfast strength and love in this time.  He has been a rock in our family and led us so well through this season with songs of joy and praise instead of complaint.

For those of you who haven’t met Caleb yet, we so look forward to introducing you (he’d love to give you a ‘high five’ and ‘pound it’)  :)  Thank you again – you are treasured! 

Week two, buckle my shoe

Little Caleb Sua is adapting more and more each day.  A typical two year old boy - he loves the garbage truck, snacks, wrestling, dancing, mischief, the sandbox and his favorite TV show is "This Old House" on PBS.  He won't stay put to watch Curious George, Bob the Builder or even his Thai Chuggington cartoon...but put on the builders of "This Old House" when they're nail gunning a fence together and he's hooked :)
Sleeping...*sigh*...we miss it.  He's finally into a regular nap schedule, which is awesome, but nights are still a struggle.  He's accustomed to a bottle even though his body doesn't really need it and should be able to sleep through, but we're finding he's waking multiple times a night upset, thrashing and frustrated in bed.  He's not too easy to console and we can't give him a bottle every time he wakes up, so it's just really challenging to know what to do in the moment - especially when it's 2am.  And there's the every present complexity of not knowing if this is an adoptive, grief-related issue, or if it's just a two-year old issue.  That's kind of the challenge all day long...we try to err on the side of nurturing and assuming it's adoptive-related, but then there's also the need to set boundaries and wanting to treat him as a member of the family...whew!  SO, if you have any insights, we're not ashamed to ask for them or take them :)
He absolutely loves his older brother and does this funky wild-man dance when he comes home from school.  It's really cute to watch the two of them wrestle in the playroom.  Micah has so amazingly risen to the Cause and has shown patience and compassion towards Caleb that has been a blessing to behold.  Savannah tries so hard to play with him, but often confuses the lines of sisterhood and mothering :)  She seems to be struggling more with the transition than we had expected as she is now the middle child and no longer the baby, so extra love and attention is needed.  Daddy took her on a princess lunch date to McDonald's the other day and you could almost sense the peace and exhale in her spirit when she returned. It was so sweet.
Caleb is learning new English words every day and understands quite a bit of what we're saying to him.  He can say and sign "shoes" (he is very motivated to go outside), "night night", wave "bye", say "truck" and "scoop", sign "all done" and "more" and some other simple words and gestures.  It's really been fun to teach him and see his little light turn on with a new concept.
We are bonding slowly everyday, but sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.  He loves his daddy and would prefer to be in his arms all day :)  Yesterday I held him in a borrowed ergo carrier for awhile it did wonders for him and me.  We might need to make that part of our daily routine.  It's so sweet to have him close and content and lay his head on my chest.  Again...those little pinholes of light in the dark.  And we rejoice BIG in the little things, giving thanks because we see God in our midst and at work in all of our hearts and minds.
SO...there's week 2 :)  We're all getting over coughs and colds, but that just comes with the "seasonal territory", if you will.  Getting out is easier and we slowly feel able to get back into some kind of routine and actually schedule things on our calendar...Pinhole!
Prayers and words of encouragement from friends and family have been like firm ground under our feet.  We are so, so thankful.  We can't wait for you to meet this little ball of activity and joy God has added to our family.  Grace and Peace, Dear Ones.

So This is Love...

(Admittedly a little raw and personal - but it's where I've been the past couple weeks...written with the prayer that True Love comes into focus and the King of Love is praised.)

O God - What kind of Love is this?
Great God of Love - How vast and infinite are You?
I am left dumbstruck and have been humbled deep.  The cupboards of my heart have been opened and found bare, dusted with cobwebs.  My God - You are love.  You are Love.  And apart from you, I can do no good thing.  Apart from you, this adoptive Love Call is a futile mess.

I asked long ago at that conference (You remember) that you would begin to show me how to love.  And it's been a road...a long, windy, twisted road.  But this precipice you've asked me to climb...I can't do it.  This kind of Love seems so upstream.  It seems so...hard.  I looked into my groom's eyes on the altar, and I loved easy.  I held my newborn babes to my breast and would die for them without a second thought.  I have felt the strong bond with family, linked arms with friends,  ministered with the brethren...all this in Love.  And so often in laying down my life for another - putting another first.  But for this little boy, you have asked me to give a whole new level of "all".  And I look at what we've had to lay down for him and how little we get in return - and I'm ashamed, Jesus.  Ashamed because I've given up comforts, sleep, time, resources, dreams, desires - and You...You gave up Glory.  I've been bitten, hit, spat on, rejected.  And You...You were tortured and nailed to a cross.  And you did it with an always open, always pursuing, compassionate, steadfast heart towards the Father and the Objects of your Love.  Even in the midst of your greatest hour of suffering for the world, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing..."  Lord, your love just floors me.  You say in 1 John "this is love, not that we love God but that He loved us and sent His Son."  You say we should love not in words or tongue but in actions and in truth.  True Love.  What is Love in truth?  It's in the context of that passage.  It's all You are and all You have done.  It's laying down every last drop of self and never closing your heart towards another.  It's a deliberate, mental choice of the will.

I've thought about adoptive Love and how it really was never supposed to be.  How in the Garden there was never supposed to be death or pain or suffering - and isn't that what adoption is birthed out of?  Brokenness?  There must be some kind of loss for one to be adopted.  Because of sin, I was born without a Heavenly Father. Desperately hopeless and in need of a Home.  Enter the Savior - who bought me with the price of His life.  And I was brought near and pulled up close to The Table.  I was given an inheritance, a name, a Forever Family.  And in my incredible lack of appreciation, in every shake of the head in rebellion, in my doubt, and the blackhole of needy heart - you remain always open, steadfast, kind, gentle, and what gets me most...you move into my brokenness.  That's at the heart of this adoptive Love Call, isn't it?  We actually make the choice to clothe ourselves in the pain and suffering of another and wear it with them.  We choose to walk in and give our own lives so another may live.  The cross.  You became my death so I could truly live.  And this, this is Love.  It's a "roll your sleeves up, get on your knees, lose some sleep, forget about yourself, throw it all out there for another" kind of Love.  And how wonderful when it is accompanied by the feeling.  How blessed when we can Love easy.  But how Real and True when we must choose to Love hard.

Lord, I pray daily that you will build the trust and bond that produces such blissful parent/child feelings of Love.  But I pray more that you will grant me the mental strength and grace to choose Love even without it in the moment.  And what does this True Love look like day in and day out?  It means having an always open heart towards Caleb.  Moving towards him in kindness and patience, showing him grace and favor when he doesn't deserve it. (none of us deserves it.)  It's whispering to him in the dark, "We're in this together, little man. You are mine and I am yours.  I will never leave you, no matter what. I'm here."  It's seeing him as the object of my love and not the reason for my discomfort.  And moving into his grief and pain with utmost sensitivity, humility and nurturing tenderness.  And Lord, this is impossible.  But thanks be to God through our Lord Jesus Christ! You are greater than my heart! (1 John 4:20) As I surrender, relax, receive and abide in your presence - it is there You are my all in all.  And the moment becomes holy. And Light flickers in the darkness.  Hope is reborn again and again.  Love claims its ground.  Healing continues.  A little boy settles in his Home and begins to trust.  A mother is emptied, filled and emptied again - only to find a Joy that doesn't fade.  Resurrection!  Oh, Lord, come.  Have your Love Way in me!  My feet are planted and ready to take the next step on the climb.  Praise You, Jesus, the High King of Love!  May our voice in the wilderness echo your words, our daily bread, and point to You.

"We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.  But whoever has the world's goods, and see his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.  We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure oru heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things...Beloved, let us love on another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...by this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.  Int his is love, not that we loved God, but that He loves us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 3:16-20 & 4:7-10)

A week gone by

It's been a week with this new little guy in our home and I think the best way to describe it is everyone is getting used to the "new normal".  He has really been adjusting amazingly well.  Everyday Caleb seems to show signs of feeling a bit more at home.  The weather has been a shocker, but he's now learning that he can't go out without a hat, gloves and coat (and that the gloves go on his hands, not his feet :)  We've been to the store a couple times, over to a friend's house to play and to storytime at the library.   The challenges lie in trying to communicate rules and expectations in the home (like "no touch the stove"!)  and still trying to figure out a sleep pattern for him.  Although I think we're mostly through jet lag, he still wakes up multiple times a night and only takes one (very) short nap during the day. Which leaves one incredibly exhausted Mom and Dad.  We've been surprised at how easily he's adjusted to American food.  We really just give him whatever we're eating and for the most part he'll gobble it up (well...half of it ends up on his clothes, in his hair and all over the table and floor.)  So considering the inside out and upside down world he's entered into, we're really thankful and hopeful that he will continue to adjust and attach to us as part of our family.  With that being said, it wouldn't be honest of me to just sign off with the above paragraph without mentioning the hardships as well. Not only have we jumped from two to three kids, but our "newborn" is an incredibly active toddler with adoptive, attachment and grief issues - that doesn't speak our language and has never had to wear real shoes in his life.  So much of the adoption material we've read or been exposed to seems to be child-centered (as it should be), but we have found that equally challenging is the attachment/bonding process of the adoptive family as well.  I've learned more about the steadfast, stubborn, selfless Love of God in the past two weeks than I think I have in my 35 years.  And I'm left speechless.
Thank you so much for your prayers and support. We are rejoicing in all the ways we see God so mightily at work. Thank you for sharing in our journey!

H.O.M.E.

I know so many of you have been waiting to hear from us.  We thankfully made it HOME and have honestly just been trying to get our feet back under us in these past few days.  THANK YOU for every single prayer offered up on our behalf during our travel time and since we've returned.  We couldn't have asked for a better journey home.  Besides a short delay in Minneapolis, our 27 hours of travel went incredibly smooth and we saw so many answered prayers.  We breezed through immigration and security.  Caleb actually slept almost 8 hours from Japan to the States...we couldn't believe it!  It was the sweetest feeling in the world to turn the corner in GR and see Micah, Savannah and my Mom waiting for us in the airport terminal.  Caleb Sua looked at them as if he knew them already.  We hadn't slept more than 4 hours in nearly 48 hours, but we stayed up late letting the kids play with their new baby brother.  He took to them (and the dump truck) immediately.  Because of the 11 hour time change, jet lag has been a kicker for us and especially for the little guy.  His days and nights are all mixed up, so in the middle of the night, it's not too peaceful around here as he is confused, angry, restless and sleep deprived.  Our days have been mainly focused on just getting him into some kind of 'normal', helping him know he is loved and safe, but also introducing him to rules and expectations in our home.  My mom was an amazing support and help and unfortunately had to fly home this morning.  Admist lots of smiles and celebrated victories around here, I'm not going to lie and say it's been a dreamy "honeymoon".  We are exhausted in every way.  You cannot force bonding or affection or trust or love.  Greg says he read a quote (maybe Packer) that says "Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light."  So we pray...a lot.  And we trust that God would never call us to do anything that He will not equip us to carry out in His strength and by His grace as we abide in Him.  I've got so much I'd love to share - stories about Caleb adjusting, lessons I've learned about the love of God and my own inadequacies; ways Micah and Savannah have just so beautifully welcomed him into our home; friends, family and neighbors that have been such a huge support...but right now it's all I can do to just finish this paragraph and sign off for the night.  Please know we are thinking about you and continue to covet your prayers.  Grace and Peace, dear Ones.  More soon...

Day 9&10...Going Home!

We spent our last day here touring one of the many ornate Wats (Buddhist temples) in the city.  We went to the overtly touristy "reclining buddha" - but it was still memorable and we're glad we did it.  Caleb was a rock star in the crowds and heat.  Never have we been so glad to get back to our little hotel haven. We headed straight to the pool then back to our room to give Caleb his last bath in Bangkok.  It's 8:30pm and we're packed and READY to go.  I was walking home from picking up dinner yesterday at our favorite little diner "Kenny's Guest House and Restaurant" (excellent pad thai for $2).  And as I passed the same bent over elderly woman working her shop, stepped over another open grate in the road and scooted to the left to avoid being grazed by a taxi I thought to myself..."I'm really going to miss Asia."  I think there are a couple rooms in the house of my heart designated for the East.  Maybe it just gets in you after spending time here...I don't know...but God continues to place in my heart a love for the people and places across the Pacific.  So...while my desire to get home completely overshadows my longings to stay - it'll still be sad to say good-bye again.  But this time, we're bringing home little bit more than a souvenir (although he was still "made in Thailand")  :)  And he has noooooo idea what's in store for him come 1:45am when we have to get up to head to the airport.  Our flt leaves at 5am out of Bangkok (that's 6pm Michigan time on Tuesday) - we'll go through Japan again, then Minneapolis and Lord willing, arrive home in GR 5:30pm on Wednesday (woohooo!)  We are again shamelessly begging for your prayers.  24 hrs of travel with an incredibly active, completely confused, sleep deprived, non-English speaking child has the potential to be a bit stressful.  God help us!  We are praying for a happy boy that doesn't throw any screaming tantrums on the airplane. For strength (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) to walk through the next 36 hours with thanksgiving and in His joy.  For creativity and wisdom to know how to meet Caleb's needs.  For smooth flt connections and safe travel.  For people put in place by God to help us along the way - flight attendants, airport personnel, taxi drivers, etc...  For the Lord to prepare Micah and Savannah's hearts as the moments draw near for them to meet their new baby brother.  That Greg and I would be humble and gracious towards one another - building one another up in the journey.  That the Lord would somehow be speaking peace and comfort to Caleb's heart in all the transitions happening in his life right now.  The song that comes to mind for our travel:
"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' Name; On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.  His oath His covenant His love, support me in the whelming flood. When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay..."   Thank you so much, Dear Ones.  Can't wait to hug your necks!!!

Don't worry - I didn't forget the pics :)

Eating ice cream in the park w/ our German friends' son

Playing with Daddy

Zoo: Same (that's a sun bear in the background - surrounded by a moat with freaky fish)

Zoo: Different

 :

Feeding fish at park

Freaky Fish Feeding Frenzy

First time down the slide

Day 8&9 - Wait for it...Miracle!!

Soooooo much to be thankful for.  We feel as though we are climbing out of the manhole into the light of day.  The difference we've seen between today and two days ago is nothing short of miraculous.  I left off on the last post with me getting the flu...well, never before in my life have I felt like that and not been immobile for at least 24 hrs.  But I kid you not, I woke up around 2am drenched in sweat because my fever broke.  Went back to sleep and woke up in the morning feeling weak and a little sore throat, but totally fine to function and meet the demands of the day.  Miracle!! Praise God and thank you all for praying!  Yesterday we went to this massive seven story shopping center full of market-type booths selling everything from Hello Kitty trinkets to pirated CDs and iPads.  It was insane.  We escaped alive (after indulging in the food court - we're going to miss that) and returned to our hotel. Caleb didn't scream when we entered the hotel room, played in his first bath ever (and loved it) and went straight to sleep with his bottle laying on me in our bed.  Another miracle!! Last night he slept almost 13 hours without waking up and crying in the middle of the night...Miracle! (Do you see a pattern here - we are so grateful.)  He was happy and hungry at breakfast and didn't scream when we came back into our room.  Miracle!!  We went to drop off laundry at our beloved hole-in-the-wall laundry lady in the back alley then to 7-11 for some "supplies" (like iced espresso).  He was great in the Ergo carrier, came back and took a one hour nap after lunch without crying...Miracle!! We walked to Lumphini (Central) park and played on the playground that only 3 days ago he didn't want anything to do with. Miracle!  He loved it so much that he threw a tantrum when it was time to leave.  But even in that we are thankful b/c it gives us opportunity to show him we are his loving authority, there are boundaries and he is safe with us.  It's good...hard...but good.  Especially when all the Asian families in the park are staring at you and talking in Thai about you :)  We fed the freaky fish and headed home for another bath.  It's like 90 degrees with 100% humidity here, so you need a shower as soon as you step outside.  Caleb did great again in the bath and then after dinner played and interacted with Micah and Savannah on skype.  Miracle!  We then brushed his teeth, read him a book, gave him his bottle, prayed, sang a song and he fell asleep laying on the bed with us next to him without a single scream or cry.  HUGE Miracle!  So our spirits are up and we so see God at work all around us.  I told Greg it has literally felt like a prayer mosh pit - you know, like the prayers of the saints have been holding us up and carrying us along.  My scripture for today has been Ps 61 & 62 - "Here my prayer, O God, listen to my prayer; From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings..." & "My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; my fortress, I'll never be shaken...One thing God has spoken, two have I heard: That You, O God, are strong; and that you, O LORD are loving..."  mmmm...so true.  We sense the nearness, goodness, mercy, STRENGTH and sovereign care of our tender Father in this time.  I was listening to spotify today (we've been streaming that sucker nonstop...what a blessing) and "The Desert Song" by Hillsong United came on.  I wanted to hang on every word, but it was verse 4 that caught me most.  Here are the lyrics:
Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong/the_desert_song.html ]
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again; The seed I've received I will sow" - With every miracle today...every taste of the harvest of His grace, love and blessing in our lives...the purpose has been and always will be for God to shine forth His glory.  That He might use the breaking, refining, pinholes, miracles, and grace upon grace to be fruit that carries in it a seed for us to sow.  To magnify Jesus. To bring Him praise.  Yes. This is why we live, move and have our being.  With every email, phone call, skype session, comment on the blog I have been refreshed with broader perspective, which has been oxygen to me in the days I was grasping for breath. Today, this eternal perspective has again helped me plant a firm foot forward.  Turning the gaze from inward to upward, onward and outward. Helping me love Caleb with renewed purpose and vision.  God knows it's not in me to do this (the cupboards of my heart have been opened and shown bare), but by His grace, we will continue to receive and sow the seed.  We reap the harvest of His love (no matter what it looks like) and we give thanks.

Day 7? - Giraffes, Germans and Germs (in that order)

I have so much I'd love to post - but right now my throat is on fire and the chills are coming on strong.  It's like those little green mucinex germs from the commercial are counting down to a full takeover.  Please pray I can sleep OK tonight and that this bug doesn't try to commandeer Greg or Caleb or anyone else.  In our weakness He is strong. I'm so thankful this is coming on now and not before since our schedule is now wide open. Thank you, Lord.
So yes, we did make it to the zoo.  It was the same, but different. There were animals somewhat like there are in the states, and they were in cages, but...ummm...yeah - I think the rest was different.  It was a fairly enjoyable time despite the heat and an unforgettable KFC experience.  I'm surprised they didn't kick us out of the zoo (or throw Caleb in with the tigers (his name means "tiger", did I mention that already? He certainly has a tiger strong will!)  We have some fun pics, but we'll work on those tomorrow since it's too much effort for me to get up and find the camera right now. sorry.
We returned and Greg napped a bit and then gave me a few minutes to myself to go workout at the gym.  He's been such a steadfast rock on this journey and I often mutter a breath of thanks to Jesus that we are in this together.  We feel our relationship deepening as we work on this thing...not without disagreement or misunderstanding - so we covet prayers for our marriage as well - but as a team in a mudslinging game of survival. (Have you seen Invictus? I'm thinking rugby here.)
Our beautiful German brother and sister came over for dinner.  We broke bread, gave thanks, played together, prayed together, then regretfully said goodbye (well, regretfully for us...gratefully for them b/c they're going home tonight).  It's rather comical watching two western couples eating on the floor, trying to have a conversation and helplessly NOT communicating with their Thai children who are running all over and doing flips off the couch.  We feel a unique bond with them that one only gains when walking through a desert experience with another.  They were a HUGE gift in the moment. Praise God.
Bedtime was torture, but he finally fell asleep.  The lines are so blurry between what is grief and what is a tantrum (remember his name means "Tiger"?)  He wants us to hold him standing up all night long, which physically is impossible - so the only alternative is to lay with him on our bed (which is now on the floor) and wait it out constantly bringing him back over and whispering, "Rau rak, Sua"; "Mai pen rai, Sua"; "Mai Tong Klua"; "shhhhh" - We love you. Don't worry. Don't be afraid. Shhhh.  Sounds familiar doesn't it? Like something I read recently in Isaiah :)  Oh - the parallels of our Father's Love for us!! I have never seen them, felt them so clearly.  "This is how we know what love is. NOT that we loved God, but that He loved us..."  "Greater love has noone than this, than one lay down his life for his friends..."
So...more pinholes of praise today.  Not without moments of desperation, to be sure...but we've seen God's faithfulness.  Caleb is showing more signs of trust - like letting us brush his teeth today!  My realization from above today is that each person experiences adoption in a different way.  Like the zoo - same, but different. Adoptee children, social workers, foster families, birth mothers, government workers and especially adoptive parents...all different.  We look to the Father to know what this is supposed to look like, but we give each other grace in the same way He gives us grace - to mature and grow in the process and experience it in our unique way and in His timing for us.  This was helpful for me today.  To wait upon the LORD to help me (as well as Greg and Caleb) to grow in bonding, love, affection, wisdom and other virtues over time.  We don't expect it to happen overnight for Caleb. And it won't happen overnight for us or for Micah and Savannah as well. (They are doing really well, btw - we couldn't be more thankful that we don't have to worry about them right now).  Anyway - I didn't mean to write so much.  Greg popped out to go to 7-Eleven and I popped 2 ibuprofen, which kicked in.  So if you're still reading, I hope you're not cross-eyed and I pray God's grace goes with you today as you experience more and more the depths of the reality of your adoption in Him.
Bless God.

Day 7- More Pinholes

I will update later this afternoon. Yesterday was US embassy - do you know what a crazy feeling it is to bypass all the lines and walk right up to the window just because you carry a little blue book that says US citizen?  Yesterday I feel like we felt more little pinholes of light poked through the darkness.  Little victories that result in big thanks.  Right now he is screaming, but we're off to the zoo w/ our Norwegian friends.  Every moment we look for His light - more pinholes to praise Him for.  More later w/ some new pics...maybe of some elephants! :)  We cannot tell you how much your prayers, emails and words of encouragement mean to us right now.  It is truly the strength of our Father communicated to us.  In Asia you give gifts to show respect and thanks. I wish I could do that for each one of you.  You are our Great Cloud of Witnesses! love,s

Day 6 - DSDW, Friends and Fish

This morning, along with several other western families (from the US, Germany, Norway and who knows where else) we went to the DSDW, which is the Thai goverment office for children.  We passed a couple orphanages on the way to the building that made my heart sink.  The interview at the DSDW was really just a formality.  These cute little Thai grandmas sat across a table from us and quizzed us about our lives and our ability to care for Caleb.  That's another story in itself I'll have to share later.  We waited for-e-ver for paperwork in a not-so-kid-friendly steaming hot hallway with a screaming child that kept wanting to leave and go back to his home.  And that pretty much sums up our day.  A screaming child (with a deafening squeal) continually bringing us our bags, shoes, whatever just to get us to take him back home :(  So tonight I am more drained in every way than I thought possible, but by God's grace there is this little flicker of hope.  The biggest blessing of the day by far was meeting this German couple in the elevator at our hotel this morning, also on their way to the DSDW.  We connected with them and found out they also share the same faith and love for Jesus.  They have been with their hearing impaired son for a week now, so he's more adjusted and the happiest, most tender little guy.  They invited us to walk with them to Bangkok's "central park" (5 min from our hotel).  Caleb allowed me to carry him in the ergo carrier (THANK YOU Lindsy and Jordan - such a great idea!), but again kept trying to leave and go "home".  For us, though, just finding friends here we could talk things through with was priceless and exactly what I needed to help me get a grip and find some encouragement when desperately needed.  We bought some coconut ice cream from a street vendor then fed the fish.  But I'm not quite sure these were normal fish. They were freaky big fish and there were so many of them I think there were more fish that water for them to swim in.  Maybe they were those Asian Carp that are invading Lake Michigan...creepy.  Anyway, that was an experience and Caleb really liked it.  Then we went back to the hotel, endured more screaming and went up to our  new German friends' room to eat dinner together.  Caleb was so exhausted from his traumatic day that he fell asleep no problem and even let Greg hold him!  I don't have an energy to write much more...just sticking to the details of the day is about all I've got right now.  Please keep praying!! Thanks so much!

Day 5 - Day is done

Outside of foster family's home

hanging out in his hammock swing

rolling around in the house (it's on stilts)

*whew* - today went better than expected but was still completely overwhelming in many ways.  They placed Caleb (Sua) with us this morning at 11am.  There were several moments (hours) of sheer "this is the hardest thing ever".  We all cried together. He grieved and we grieved with him.  But there were also moments of incredible peace and hope.  And it's those things I'll share with you and choose to dwell on this evening...like when he reached up to hold Greg's hand at the shopping center (and the sense of "home" we got when we walked into a Starbucks we found out was only a 5 minute walk from our hotel. Praise God.); the way he totally calmed down and sat on my lap to watch "Praise Baby".  He interacted and even went to get his stuffed giraffe when it showed a picture of a real giraffe on the screen;  the time we spent at lunch playing a silly game with a sticker and hearing him laugh; when he took a bottle from me at naptime; that he is bonding with me (a little slower w/ Greg, but we were really concerned that he would reject me altogether - so this is huge); the Norwegian family that has been a great support to us as they are walking through the same thing we are step by step;  he let me feed him and he fed himself;  he's great at complying with baths and diaper changes thanks to his Muslim foster family;  he loves to read his books;  he got to skype with Micah and Savannah (and Ha and Gamma) and settled down from screaming enough to interact with them a bit (this makes me cry);  he took his evening bottle no problem this time and fell asleep with no tears in my lap on the bed, where he is sound asleep now.  So...in the midst of an incredibly trying day, there is so much to be thankful for...so many ways we saw God move and intervene.   We are so ready for bed, though - so here are a few pics for you to see his foster home (I didn't want to post pics of the family online).

Day 4&5 - Gotch(ah!) Day

Yesterday we spent time with Caleb in our hotel room then drove an hour to his little neighborhood to meet his foster family. It was a long day and one of the more emotionally draining and overwhelming days of my life.  We were mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted last night.  We haven't slept real well with our bodies still totally confused with the eleven hour time change.  I will write more and post pics of our time at the foster families house later today.  Right now we are breathing deep and getting ready to have Caleb placed in our care "forever".  I can't even begin to describe our emotions...the best description I have is riding America's Biggest Roller Coaster at a theme park.  You decide to go to the park.  You decide then to get in line. You wait. You could get out of line, but you really want to ride the roller coaster. Every time it whizzes by on the track and people scream you get butterflies.  You get up to the turn style and could run, but you CHOOSE to walk through. You choose to ride doubles. You choose to get in the car. But then they lower down the bar and you are past the point.  You are freaked out, but you know you chose to ride the
ride...and you want to ride the ride.  So that's where we are.  We're strapped in.  We excited, scared, nervous about the unknowns, hoping we come out alive :)  But we also know the JOY set before us as we get off the ride on the other side.  We are full of hope.  Please pray for us today.  Pray for Caleb. Pray for mental strength in Jesus for us. Pray for Peace. Pray we have wisdom in knowing how to comfort him as he grieves.  Pray we can rejoice in all things and give thanks.  Pray for moments of seeing God in all of this today. He is Immanuel.  His mercies are new every morning.  We are breathing deep and trusting in a sovereign, good, loving Father.  We've got to go...Love you all!!

Day 2 - Sawadee kaa, Sua!

We woke up refreshed, today but with butterflies in our stomach.  At 9:40 we were to meet our social worker in the lobby, then at 10:30, they would bring our new little guy up to our room to meet us for the first time.  Kasan (our social worker) is amazing.  She is so kind, patient and speaks English very well.  There is one other family here from Norway also adopting through Holt Sahathai.  We met them this morning, too, and they brought them their little boy at the same time.  It all felt so natural and easy, really.  Caleb (nickname: Sua) was very shy at first, but warmed up as his social worker played together with us, including him in little games.  He loves cars and balls.  We played in the room for a while, then met the other family with the social workers in the hotel restaurant for lunch.  Caleb sat with us at our table, but like a typical two year old, was done and ready to walk around after a couple bites.  We walked out in the courtyard, looking at the fish and the pool.  They then brought him back up to our room for an hour of just being with us alone.  We played peek a boo, sang songs, changed his diaper (which they do fairly differently here than what we’re used to, so if he wasn’t terrified beforehand, we’re pretty sure that was a shocker) – all in all, though – no tears and he seemed to have a great time laughing and playing with cars, books and toys.  He is a little peanut and so cute when he laughs.  He felt more comfortable with Greg and leaned more towards interacting with him.  This was not a surprise to us, but more of what we had thought might happen because he is very attached to his social worker and his foster mom.  They left for his home at 2pm and we sat on the couch thinking, “what just happened?”.  We concluded that over analyzing, thinking that we should be feeling a certain way or that he should have reacted in some way isn’t helpful.  Simply giving the whole thing space to just be what it is for now and being thankful in it all is the best thing we can do.  This is unchartered territory.  We are amazed that everything went as smoothly as it did today. The social workers were surprised he didn’t cry (and we are relieved!)  Bless God!  So now off to grab something to eat that won’t make us sick (we’re both feeling a bit queasy). We hope to skype with the kiddos tonight. Then meet our other little kiddo again tomorrow morning for a shopping trip then off to meet his foster family. The sun is setting here and the lights of Bangkok are starting to flicker on.  Good night y’all :)

Sua playing with social worker

Looking at "rot" (cars) w/ Daddy on balcony

Looking at "pa" (fish) w/ Mommy in Courtyard

Day 1 - While You Were Sleeping

View from hotel room

Tuk tuk - Thai taxi (not the one we took from airport)

Sawadee kaa, Thailand!  *sigh* It’s so good to be back.  We arrived in Bangkok late Friday night and got to the hotel after a rather white-knuckled taxi ride (which we were prepared for…but was a bit unnerving nonetheless.)  After showering the 24-hrs of travel off, we crashed for a few hours and woke up to skype with the kids and prepare for a day exploring a bit of the city.  The free breakfast buffet was a treat :)  This hotel is very nice – not quite as shnazzy as the pics online indicated (a bit in need of updates and refurbishing), but our room is massive, the shower is hot, the bed is great and the grounds are beautiful…oh, and there’s this huge pool we can’t wait to get into.  We set out to tackle the sky train and find a shopping mall.  And that we did!  The mall was a little too much over the top for us…like Gucci, Estee Lauder and the latest Lady Gaga perfume.  So, no shopping accomplished there.  BUT, the food court was the craziest thing ever.  Tons of options, both Asian and western (including KFC, BK, Swensen’s (?!), Au Bon Pain, of course Starbucks, and…wait for it…Krispy Kreme. We did not indulge, although Greg did do a little dance.)  We ate thai noodles, which were yum.  After escaping the crowds of the mall (and unless you’ve been to Asia, you may not know what I mean when I say “crowds”), we hopped back on the sky train and popped in for a little traditional Thai massage.  Now, it’s been ten years since I’ve been here, so I didn’t quite remember all that entails “Thai Massage”.  Greg will never forgive me.  For $20USD total we got one hour of torture.  For me, it was that good kind of pain and I loved it.  But for Greg, I think his Thai masseuse was trying to make him cry “uncle” – or whatever it is in Thai.  I am still laughing now when I think of the moans and groans when this little Thai guy had Greg all tied up in a pretzel.  He just kept stretching and pulling and walking on him and smiling saying “Thai Massage”.  Anyway, we made it out alive, came back to the hotel and grabbed dinner and then slept for 10 hours.  It was a good day :)

1000 Yen and Other Surprises

We’re somewhere over Japan or China…I’m not sure.  But I know when I stepped foot again in Asia for the first time in ten years I felt a little giddy sigh of relief.  Kind of like when you’re in a horrible rain storm on the highway and you get chills when you go under an overpass. (Or is that just me?)  Whatever the feeling, it was a bit like coming home again.  But this time around, instead of ‘’coming home”, we get to make Asia part of our home.  We will be a part Thai family!
My hope for this blog is that it will serve as a means to update the loved ones in our lives (that’s you) on daily snippets and snapshots of our time in Bangkok as we carry out “Operation Caleb” by God’s amazing grace and power!  And someday, how cool it will be for Caleb to have a record of his homecoming.  I will also try to post some of the more personal and spiritual moments and lessons learned during our time here.  I could already write a book.
SO – in keeping with my intention to keep it short – our travel has been graciously uneventful and on-time (praise God!)  Our time leaving our kids was more peaceful and confident that I ever imagined.  I honestly have never experienced so deeply the prayers of the saints specifically praying peace into my heart and mind like that. THANK YOU!!  My dear friend Janet arrived and did the most beautiful job ever in getting my kids settled and excited about their time together.  We couldn’t have asked for a better departure or travel experience thus far.  Here are some things we’re thankful for in this trip:
1) Smooth travel and getting to sit together on a loooonnng extended date in the air
2) Time to rest, reflect and chill out (our brains hurt after all the details of preparation)
3) Berlitz World Traveler language learning system on our in-flight entertainment screen (we can count to ten in Thai now!)
4) A surprise 1000 Yen for the Tokyo airport I found in my travel wallet from 10 years ago! (And Greg gives me a hard time for hanging on to gift cards and things like that! See??)
5) Japanese toilets. Why don’t we have those in the States?
6) The wonderful perspective that world travel brings.  This world is so big and so small all at the same time.  And God knows the number of hairs on the heads of every person on this planet, speaks the language of their tongue and heart and loves them with His unbreaking, unchanging, never-stopping, always and forever love!