(Admittedly a little raw and personal - but it's where I've been the past couple weeks...written with the prayer that True Love comes into focus and the King of Love is praised.)
O God - What kind of Love is this?
Great God of Love - How vast and infinite are You?
I am left dumbstruck and have been humbled deep. The cupboards of my heart have been opened and found bare, dusted with cobwebs. My God - You are love. You are Love. And apart from you, I can do no good thing. Apart from you, this adoptive Love Call is a futile mess.
I asked long ago at that conference (You remember) that you would begin to show me how to love. And it's been a road...a long, windy, twisted road. But this precipice you've asked me to climb...I can't do it. This kind of Love seems so upstream. It seems so...hard. I looked into my groom's eyes on the altar, and I loved easy. I held my newborn babes to my breast and would die for them without a second thought. I have felt the strong bond with family, linked arms with friends, ministered with the brethren...all this in Love. And so often in laying down my life for another - putting another first. But for this little boy, you have asked me to give a whole new level of "all". And I look at what we've had to lay down for him and how little we get in return - and I'm ashamed, Jesus. Ashamed because I've given up comforts, sleep, time, resources, dreams, desires - and You...You gave up Glory. I've been bitten, hit, spat on, rejected. And You...You were tortured and nailed to a cross. And you did it with an always open, always pursuing, compassionate, steadfast heart towards the Father and the Objects of your Love. Even in the midst of your greatest hour of suffering for the world, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing..." Lord, your love just floors me. You say in 1 John "this is love, not that we love God but that He loved us and sent His Son." You say we should love not in words or tongue but in actions and in truth. True Love. What is Love in truth? It's in the context of that passage. It's all You are and all You have done. It's laying down every last drop of self and never closing your heart towards another. It's a deliberate, mental choice of the will.
I've thought about adoptive Love and how it really was never supposed to be. How in the Garden there was never supposed to be death or pain or suffering - and isn't that what adoption is birthed out of? Brokenness? There must be some kind of loss for one to be adopted. Because of sin, I was born without a Heavenly Father. Desperately hopeless and in need of a Home. Enter the Savior - who bought me with the price of His life. And I was brought near and pulled up close to The Table. I was given an inheritance, a name, a Forever Family. And in my incredible lack of appreciation, in every shake of the head in rebellion, in my doubt, and the blackhole of needy heart - you remain always open, steadfast, kind, gentle, and what gets me most...you move into my brokenness. That's at the heart of this adoptive Love Call, isn't it? We actually make the choice to clothe ourselves in the pain and suffering of another and wear it with them. We choose to walk in and give our own lives so another may live. The cross. You became my death so I could truly live. And this, this is Love. It's a "roll your sleeves up, get on your knees, lose some sleep, forget about yourself, throw it all out there for another" kind of Love. And how wonderful when it is accompanied by the feeling. How blessed when we can Love easy. But how Real and True when we must choose to Love hard.
Lord, I pray daily that you will build the trust and bond that produces such blissful parent/child feelings of Love. But I pray more that you will grant me the mental strength and grace to choose Love even without it in the moment. And what does this True Love look like day in and day out? It means having an always open heart towards Caleb. Moving towards him in kindness and patience, showing him grace and favor when he doesn't deserve it. (none of us deserves it.) It's whispering to him in the dark, "We're in this together, little man. You are mine and I am yours. I will never leave you, no matter what. I'm here." It's seeing him as the object of my love and not the reason for my discomfort. And moving into his grief and pain with utmost sensitivity, humility and nurturing tenderness. And Lord, this is impossible. But thanks be to God through our Lord Jesus Christ! You are greater than my heart! (1 John 4:20) As I surrender, relax, receive and abide in your presence - it is there You are my all in all. And the moment becomes holy. And Light flickers in the darkness. Hope is reborn again and again. Love claims its ground. Healing continues. A little boy settles in his Home and begins to trust. A mother is emptied, filled and emptied again - only to find a Joy that doesn't fade. Resurrection! Oh, Lord, come. Have your Love Way in me! My feet are planted and ready to take the next step on the climb. Praise You, Jesus, the High King of Love! May our voice in the wilderness echo your words, our daily bread, and point to You.
"We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world's goods, and see his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure oru heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things...Beloved, let us love on another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...by this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. Int his is love, not that we loved God, but that He loves us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 3:16-20 & 4:7-10)
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