Objectives

In your suffering, Lord - in thorns, the nails, the blows to your broken body...In the tearing separation from the Father and the Spirit on that dark day.  Even before then, in the laying aside your glory, in the wilderness with no food, in the loneliness, the blisters from walking, the sunburns, the desertion of friends and family, living homeless - in all of your discomfort, pain and sacrifice...did you close your heart towards us as the reason for your suffering? Not once.  Not once did you lay blame on us for your death and see us as objects of scorn or bitterness.  "Father, forgive them..."  Yet, You...You! freely became the object of the Father's wrath of your own choosing and you didn't for a millisecond hold it against us.  Rather you saw the sin, the darkness and the brokenness.  And you viewed us (then and now) as the objects of your compelling love, compassion and even your inheritance and glory!!  And how then do I live?  I have spent a lifetime blaming others for my discomfort...instead of viewing them as objects of love, mercy and compassion.  How often I have closed my heart towards another.  Just emotionally shut down on them, cold as stone.  Sorry, no mercy for you here today.  My soul-eyes see them as the reason for my discomfort, pain, or frustration and they become objects of bitterness, scorn or indifference.  But they are really not to blame, are they?  Have I any right to mark them as objects of anything less than open-hearted-grace-receivers?  As I have been marked by Christ the King?  Oh! To be free to view all men and my God as the objects - the recipients - of the laying down of my life and of acts of compassion and mercy and nothing else. What freedom and sweet release in life when I don this perspective.  Yet often I feel closed off.  I am "done" and "undone" all at the same time.  I don't want to continue to press into that soul.  I don't want a steadfast love that remains always open towards another in forgiveness, grace and compassion.  I'd rather close the gate to my own little kingdom and rule things neatly and comfortably from there, dictating who may or may not enter.  And so I pray...Yahweh, breathe on me and open my soul.  You, the Great Opener of all things Closed.  You opened the heavens and it rained. You opened the sea and made a way.  You opened the rock and water poured forth.  You opened the womb and became incarnate. You opened the eyes of the blind. You opened the grave and swallowed death.  My God...You can open me!

We are the objects of your love, Lord.  You have set your mercy and compassion on us.  Bless God.  All joy is mine!

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)." Eph 2:4-5

A Month of Sundays

Thanksgiving marked one month of Caleb in our home and in some ways it seems like the days have flown by, and in other ways, we’ve felt so immersed in this journey, that it’s difficult to even remember the days BC (before caleb).  We continue to “adjust”.  When people ask how we’re doing we usually say, “Well…it’s an adjustment for all of us, but it’s good.”  I feel like I’ve settled into the word “adjustment” like my warm down coat.  Kind of accepting The Adjustment as the new normal.  We’ve pitched a tent in the wilderness for now and are trying to find cool in the Cloud, warmth from the Fire and sustenance from the Daily Bread.  And while we hope for that Day when we’ll look back and say “Remember that first year?”…we also have so many reasons to beat the tambourine and sing together over the little joys we see each and every day. (those pinholes, again)  It takes a trained eye to see them – a supernatural eye, really.  For many of the joys wouldn’t seem all that much of a reason to dance to many – but to us in the desert…they are so much more than a rehearsed thing you might hear around the thanksgiving table.  They are evidence of Immanuel – God With Us – at work in the infinitesimal.  It’s these little miracles – like Caleb running and giving Savannah a hug at Sunday School – that help us begin to see bloom in this desert season.  That’s probably not what most expect to hear…that it’s hard and takes every bit of strength we can muster – but that’s reality.  I’ve written it before, but it’s as true as ever…When we choose to give our life to see another raised up, there is bloodshed.  Redemptive living requires sacrifice.  But not sacrifice without hope or purpose…or even joy.
We have seen tremendous changes and progress since we arrived home with Caleb.  Here are some words to describe this little guy: curious, active, spunky, active, toddler, active, good-natured, active, fun-loving, active, relational, active, strong, active, smart as a whip, active, cute as a button, active :) His new feats include using several new English words and signs, going in the potty all by himself, imitating everything, hauling a large riding car up the steps, breaking Micah’s video game, spilling a large drink in Costco, staying in Sunday school all by himself (!), sleeping better at night, playing football outside with the big boys, figuring out how to climb on the couch to turn the lights on and off, learning exactly what he should get into if he wants to go to time-out, deciding that he does not like veggies, drinking milk (not a fan), dancing to music, his first road-trip to Chicago, and not tearing down the Christmas tree (yet!).  He’s a ball of fun and we honestly can’t imagine our family without him anymore.
We continue to covet your prayers, emails, words of support and shared rejoicing.  Many of you have graciously asked what you can be praying for specifically.  I’d say for Caleb’s heart to continue to heal and for comfort for his deep-seeded fears.  Pray that he and I would form a bond that is as strong as a mother with her natural child.  I believe this is possible, although right now it seems so far away.  He is strongly favoring Greg and Micah and remaining emotionally distant from Savannah and myself.  This is normal and expected, but at times feels like stinging salt in a wound when I endure it day after day.  I have written some other posts on my own personal journey in this.  Also, please continue to pray for wisdom in our parenting and unity and humility in our communication.  At times we are both so weary and strung out that the easiest thing is to target each other instead of extending more grace and serving one another in gratitude.  Greg has blown my mind with his consistent and steadfast strength and love in this time.  He has been a rock in our family and led us so well through this season with songs of joy and praise instead of complaint.

For those of you who haven’t met Caleb yet, we so look forward to introducing you (he’d love to give you a ‘high five’ and ‘pound it’)  :)  Thank you again – you are treasured! 

Week two, buckle my shoe

Little Caleb Sua is adapting more and more each day.  A typical two year old boy - he loves the garbage truck, snacks, wrestling, dancing, mischief, the sandbox and his favorite TV show is "This Old House" on PBS.  He won't stay put to watch Curious George, Bob the Builder or even his Thai Chuggington cartoon...but put on the builders of "This Old House" when they're nail gunning a fence together and he's hooked :)
Sleeping...*sigh*...we miss it.  He's finally into a regular nap schedule, which is awesome, but nights are still a struggle.  He's accustomed to a bottle even though his body doesn't really need it and should be able to sleep through, but we're finding he's waking multiple times a night upset, thrashing and frustrated in bed.  He's not too easy to console and we can't give him a bottle every time he wakes up, so it's just really challenging to know what to do in the moment - especially when it's 2am.  And there's the every present complexity of not knowing if this is an adoptive, grief-related issue, or if it's just a two-year old issue.  That's kind of the challenge all day long...we try to err on the side of nurturing and assuming it's adoptive-related, but then there's also the need to set boundaries and wanting to treat him as a member of the family...whew!  SO, if you have any insights, we're not ashamed to ask for them or take them :)
He absolutely loves his older brother and does this funky wild-man dance when he comes home from school.  It's really cute to watch the two of them wrestle in the playroom.  Micah has so amazingly risen to the Cause and has shown patience and compassion towards Caleb that has been a blessing to behold.  Savannah tries so hard to play with him, but often confuses the lines of sisterhood and mothering :)  She seems to be struggling more with the transition than we had expected as she is now the middle child and no longer the baby, so extra love and attention is needed.  Daddy took her on a princess lunch date to McDonald's the other day and you could almost sense the peace and exhale in her spirit when she returned. It was so sweet.
Caleb is learning new English words every day and understands quite a bit of what we're saying to him.  He can say and sign "shoes" (he is very motivated to go outside), "night night", wave "bye", say "truck" and "scoop", sign "all done" and "more" and some other simple words and gestures.  It's really been fun to teach him and see his little light turn on with a new concept.
We are bonding slowly everyday, but sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.  He loves his daddy and would prefer to be in his arms all day :)  Yesterday I held him in a borrowed ergo carrier for awhile it did wonders for him and me.  We might need to make that part of our daily routine.  It's so sweet to have him close and content and lay his head on my chest.  Again...those little pinholes of light in the dark.  And we rejoice BIG in the little things, giving thanks because we see God in our midst and at work in all of our hearts and minds.
SO...there's week 2 :)  We're all getting over coughs and colds, but that just comes with the "seasonal territory", if you will.  Getting out is easier and we slowly feel able to get back into some kind of routine and actually schedule things on our calendar...Pinhole!
Prayers and words of encouragement from friends and family have been like firm ground under our feet.  We are so, so thankful.  We can't wait for you to meet this little ball of activity and joy God has added to our family.  Grace and Peace, Dear Ones.

So This is Love...

(Admittedly a little raw and personal - but it's where I've been the past couple weeks...written with the prayer that True Love comes into focus and the King of Love is praised.)

O God - What kind of Love is this?
Great God of Love - How vast and infinite are You?
I am left dumbstruck and have been humbled deep.  The cupboards of my heart have been opened and found bare, dusted with cobwebs.  My God - You are love.  You are Love.  And apart from you, I can do no good thing.  Apart from you, this adoptive Love Call is a futile mess.

I asked long ago at that conference (You remember) that you would begin to show me how to love.  And it's been a road...a long, windy, twisted road.  But this precipice you've asked me to climb...I can't do it.  This kind of Love seems so upstream.  It seems so...hard.  I looked into my groom's eyes on the altar, and I loved easy.  I held my newborn babes to my breast and would die for them without a second thought.  I have felt the strong bond with family, linked arms with friends,  ministered with the brethren...all this in Love.  And so often in laying down my life for another - putting another first.  But for this little boy, you have asked me to give a whole new level of "all".  And I look at what we've had to lay down for him and how little we get in return - and I'm ashamed, Jesus.  Ashamed because I've given up comforts, sleep, time, resources, dreams, desires - and You...You gave up Glory.  I've been bitten, hit, spat on, rejected.  And You...You were tortured and nailed to a cross.  And you did it with an always open, always pursuing, compassionate, steadfast heart towards the Father and the Objects of your Love.  Even in the midst of your greatest hour of suffering for the world, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing..."  Lord, your love just floors me.  You say in 1 John "this is love, not that we love God but that He loved us and sent His Son."  You say we should love not in words or tongue but in actions and in truth.  True Love.  What is Love in truth?  It's in the context of that passage.  It's all You are and all You have done.  It's laying down every last drop of self and never closing your heart towards another.  It's a deliberate, mental choice of the will.

I've thought about adoptive Love and how it really was never supposed to be.  How in the Garden there was never supposed to be death or pain or suffering - and isn't that what adoption is birthed out of?  Brokenness?  There must be some kind of loss for one to be adopted.  Because of sin, I was born without a Heavenly Father. Desperately hopeless and in need of a Home.  Enter the Savior - who bought me with the price of His life.  And I was brought near and pulled up close to The Table.  I was given an inheritance, a name, a Forever Family.  And in my incredible lack of appreciation, in every shake of the head in rebellion, in my doubt, and the blackhole of needy heart - you remain always open, steadfast, kind, gentle, and what gets me most...you move into my brokenness.  That's at the heart of this adoptive Love Call, isn't it?  We actually make the choice to clothe ourselves in the pain and suffering of another and wear it with them.  We choose to walk in and give our own lives so another may live.  The cross.  You became my death so I could truly live.  And this, this is Love.  It's a "roll your sleeves up, get on your knees, lose some sleep, forget about yourself, throw it all out there for another" kind of Love.  And how wonderful when it is accompanied by the feeling.  How blessed when we can Love easy.  But how Real and True when we must choose to Love hard.

Lord, I pray daily that you will build the trust and bond that produces such blissful parent/child feelings of Love.  But I pray more that you will grant me the mental strength and grace to choose Love even without it in the moment.  And what does this True Love look like day in and day out?  It means having an always open heart towards Caleb.  Moving towards him in kindness and patience, showing him grace and favor when he doesn't deserve it. (none of us deserves it.)  It's whispering to him in the dark, "We're in this together, little man. You are mine and I am yours.  I will never leave you, no matter what. I'm here."  It's seeing him as the object of my love and not the reason for my discomfort.  And moving into his grief and pain with utmost sensitivity, humility and nurturing tenderness.  And Lord, this is impossible.  But thanks be to God through our Lord Jesus Christ! You are greater than my heart! (1 John 4:20) As I surrender, relax, receive and abide in your presence - it is there You are my all in all.  And the moment becomes holy. And Light flickers in the darkness.  Hope is reborn again and again.  Love claims its ground.  Healing continues.  A little boy settles in his Home and begins to trust.  A mother is emptied, filled and emptied again - only to find a Joy that doesn't fade.  Resurrection!  Oh, Lord, come.  Have your Love Way in me!  My feet are planted and ready to take the next step on the climb.  Praise You, Jesus, the High King of Love!  May our voice in the wilderness echo your words, our daily bread, and point to You.

"We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.  But whoever has the world's goods, and see his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth.  We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure oru heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things...Beloved, let us love on another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...by this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.  Int his is love, not that we loved God, but that He loves us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." (1 John 3:16-20 & 4:7-10)

A week gone by

It's been a week with this new little guy in our home and I think the best way to describe it is everyone is getting used to the "new normal".  He has really been adjusting amazingly well.  Everyday Caleb seems to show signs of feeling a bit more at home.  The weather has been a shocker, but he's now learning that he can't go out without a hat, gloves and coat (and that the gloves go on his hands, not his feet :)  We've been to the store a couple times, over to a friend's house to play and to storytime at the library.   The challenges lie in trying to communicate rules and expectations in the home (like "no touch the stove"!)  and still trying to figure out a sleep pattern for him.  Although I think we're mostly through jet lag, he still wakes up multiple times a night and only takes one (very) short nap during the day. Which leaves one incredibly exhausted Mom and Dad.  We've been surprised at how easily he's adjusted to American food.  We really just give him whatever we're eating and for the most part he'll gobble it up (well...half of it ends up on his clothes, in his hair and all over the table and floor.)  So considering the inside out and upside down world he's entered into, we're really thankful and hopeful that he will continue to adjust and attach to us as part of our family.  With that being said, it wouldn't be honest of me to just sign off with the above paragraph without mentioning the hardships as well. Not only have we jumped from two to three kids, but our "newborn" is an incredibly active toddler with adoptive, attachment and grief issues - that doesn't speak our language and has never had to wear real shoes in his life.  So much of the adoption material we've read or been exposed to seems to be child-centered (as it should be), but we have found that equally challenging is the attachment/bonding process of the adoptive family as well.  I've learned more about the steadfast, stubborn, selfless Love of God in the past two weeks than I think I have in my 35 years.  And I'm left speechless.
Thank you so much for your prayers and support. We are rejoicing in all the ways we see God so mightily at work. Thank you for sharing in our journey!