Read 2 Corinthians 4 before you read below...
Lord Jesus,
You are Lord of my heart, soul, mind, strength, past, present and future...
You have called and appointed me this ministry of motherhood and discipleship. This ministry of grace in the Spirit. And THEREFORE, since you have granted it to me, since I have received mercy, I look to you and say, "I will not lose heart". But I do. I do lose heart, Jesus. This is a messy war for souls! And the enemy doesn't fight fair. And I know I have this treasure in me, a jar of clay, so that the supassing greatness of the power revealed will be clearly from You and not from myself...but oh, I feel so afflicted in every way at times. Pushed to the very edge where it's hard to say I'm not crushed or despairing, forsaken or destroyed. But then I think back on the past several months and even years of this motherhood journey and I'm more struck by the way you have carried me and poured your mercy over me and gently shepherded me while I attempted to shepherd my entrusted teeny flock...And I stop, Lord...I am still. And I realize You truly are the Source. Even when I daily (hourly) fail and don't seem to be living out this ministry very well...You have been there. You are here. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for using this broken vessel. Thank you for any ounce of glory that is displayed as I walk this road.
Oh God! How I long to preach not myself or the message of my flesh to my kids but rather Christ Jesus as Lord and myself as nothing more than a grateful bond-servant. Oh! May it be true that I breathe and manifest both the dying and living of my Lord. So that death may work in me, but Life in the heart of my children! But, solid faith precedes the act. I must believe this is possible and this is true. Father, help me know and believe that in the same way you raised Jesus from the dead, You will also raise me up with Him. Help me hang on tight to the promise that there is Hope, Life and Glory on the other side of this cross.
And what is this all about, Lord? Why am I striving to die and live and serve and minister and show up and pray and trust? Because you say that all these things are for the sake of those that are veiled...so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. Yes. Yes!! The goal and focus is not on me. It's on You! How liberating and true and right. You are the almighty, sovereign, omnipotent, gracious and merciful, faithful, infinite God deserving of all praise, glory and thanks. This is why I exist. To point to you. Is the question then, "Do I love you and love your glory enough to die?" Will I lay down my life for You? You ask, "Shawna, do you love me? Then tend my lambs. Feed my sheep". It's because of my love for you. Oh God! Refine me! Help this heart! And you ARE!! You are renewing me day by day!! You are giving me what I need. You are changing me from glory to glory. You have made me adequate for this - for your name sake and for my great joy in You. Hallelujah.
So as I take one step in front of the other. One more kind word when only ugly ones are below the surface. One more load of laundry with a cheerful heart. One more sippy cup full and one more mess cleaned up without a lecture or condemning glance. One more choosing to point the finger at myself and not at another. It's like a penny in a jar. "For momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison..." Clink. Clink. Clink. Penny after penny of light, momentary afflictions, that build up into a weighty mason jar of eternal glory. Lord, help me see the unseen. Help me remember why I do not lose heart. When I am done and undone, I am not crushed or despairing. Why? Simply because...You are I AM. You are in the midst. You are supplying every need. You are the treasure in this earthen vessel. Jesus, it's You.
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